In the wreckage of their election blowout, conservatives gather to plot Sarah Palin's next career move.
As I type, a boatload of bigfoot conservatives are aboard a cruise ship at an undisclosed location somewhere east of Fort Lauderdale and very west of Eden. They are sipping piña coladas and dribbling guacamole onto their chins as they chew over Topic A, namely “What the F--- Was That All About?”
Mitt Romney is aboard, presumably not sipping piña coladas. His ticket for the cruise came to about $45 million, so I hope they gave him the Admiral’s Suite on A Deck. Within his earshot, the conversations are likely to consist of politely murmured, “So, sir, what’s our strategy for you in 2012?” My guess, with all respect to Gov. Romney, a fine man of multiple accomplishments but not, as it turned out, a dynamo at the podium, is that the conversations beyond his earshot will be more focused on the fortunes of another governor, GOP pin-up girl Sarah Palin.
I’ll stipulate that that’s condescending, if my former confreres on the Right will stipulate that had Gov. Palin’s first name been “Bob” or “Chuck,” her surname would still be unrecognizable to 90 percent of the American electorate.
Nexis and Google have so far failed to unearth evidence of any previous candidate for the U.S. vice presidency being called—by their own campaign, no less—a “whack job.”
There will be 425—or possibly 426—books written about the 2008 campaign. (Newsweek has in effect already published the first, in its customary, breathtaking quadrennial display of behind-the-scenes journalism.) Many of these books will dwell in breast-heaving detail on the Palin Factor. Was she really a “diva”? “Whack job”? (Nexis and Google have so far failed to unearth evidence of any previous candidate for the U.S. vice presidency being called—by their own campaign, no less—a “whack job.”) Or was she in fact a maligned victim of elite snobbery (see “pin up girl,” above) by toffee-nosed, Georgetown cocktail-swillers? Reporters, meanwhile, will make the 1,000 mile trudge to Juneau and Wasilla, by snow mobile and dog-sled, to find out what, really, is on Gov. Palin’s mind, 2012-wise.
(Interior blogger’s monologue: Oy gevalt, haven’t we just been through a 22-month campaign? Why are we even talking about this? Get a life. Sigh. Okay. Back to work….)
All Gov. Palin has said so far on the matter, amidst her assertion of innocence over the 150K wardrobe and the parting blast at the “jerks” in the McCain high command and at the odd “stinkers” in the press corps was a demure, prepositionally-challenged, “I don’t have any idea of what the next chapter of life is going to open up into, and I look forward to just the surprises that life offers.” But fair enough. As the Yiddish proverb has it, “Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.”
BTW—as we bloggers say—apropos the Neiman-Marcus wardrobe being “donated to charity” (Newsweek): it’s deliciously reminiscent of another vice presidential occasion some years ago. Before he took up shooting lawyers, Vice President Cheney was an avid pheasant hunter. One day in Pennsylvania, he slaughtered 70 pheasant in a fine display of feathery carnage. Naturally, the mainstream media made this out to be a pheasant holocaust, whereupon his spokesman, barely maintaining a straight face, averred that the pheasant would be “donated to the poor.” I had visions of people in Pennsylvania homeless shelters losing their remaining teeth biting down on No. 7 shot pellets. This Republican chicken sure is crunchy. There are days when White House spokespeople really earn their salaries.
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Christopher Buckley’s books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. His journalism, satire, and criticism has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Vanity Fair, Vogue, and Esquire. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and the founder and editor-in-chief of Forbes FYI.
Christopher Buckley’s books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. His journalism, satire, and criticism has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Vanity Fair, Vogue, and Esquire. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and the founder and editor-in-chief of Forbes FYI.
Christopher Buckley’s books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. His journalism, satire, and criticism has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Vanity Fair, Vogue, and Esquire. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and the founder and editor-in-chief of Forbes FYI.
Christopher Buckley’s books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. His journalism, satire, and criticism has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Vanity Fair, Vogue, and Esquire. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and the founder and editor-in-chief of Forbes FYI.
Even if it's possible that some kind of "My Fair Palin" scenario unfolds, wherein Kristol and Barnes become Henry Higgins and Colonel Pickering, do we believe that Palin is teachable?
If God is making all the decisions, does intellect even matter? Hitchens nailed it I think, and the operative word in his summation is "proud." Palin doesn't think she's dumb. And that's the real problem.
Fame acts like a drug which enhances the underlying personality. If a person is humble before fame, they become more so after it -- if a person is a "religious fanatic and a proud, boastful ignoramus" before fame, expect to see more of the same after it.
What is most telling about Palin, is how she made the decision about the V.P nomination. She apparently accepted it without even blinking.
Most professional women would have taken some time to think over such a momentous job offer. They would at least have discussed it with their spouse. Certainly they would have discussed it with family and trusted friends. Most importantly they would have discussed it with professional peers and mentors.
Palin did none of these things. Her husband appears to hang onto his wife rather as he does to the snowmobiles he races -- he's along for the ride. She does not appear to have any peers or mentors, who surely would have said something along the lines of -- "Look Sarah, this is a great opportunity and a real validation of your talent and potential. If you are a candidate now, you will be in 2012 or 2016. Get some more experience, build relationships, groom yourself. For now, concentrate on doing a great job as Governor and look after your young family. Your time will come."
In other words, if she were teachable, open to the "My Fair Palin" scenario, it would be happening now under wraps and her debut would have been every bit as controlled as Eliza Doolittle's.
The proposition which CB makes though, is that Eliza Doolittle just decides to turn up at a great society ball, flames out and only then goes off to get the education she needs to make a successful re-entrance into society. Not likely really is it? The whole point of the exercise is that Eliza is supposed to be the real deal, not a manufactered facsimile.
Fame, coming so quickly and having been unearned, is what will undo Palin. She has already alienated the people who picked her for V.P. It won't be too much longer before she alienates everyone else. The data that CB quotes about conservatives really only reflects a sudden infatuation, not abiding love, trust or respect. Those things have to be earned, and Palin has already demonstrated that she prefers to take reckless shortcuts.
Making Fun Of Christopher Buckley: Part V
Mr Buckley Is Obsessed
Never has a man been so obsessed with a woman without there eventually being a restraining order involved.
CB: As I type, a boatload of Bigfoot conservatives are aboard a cruise ship...
--Oh, c'mon, Chris. It could not have a come as surprise that you weren't invited to the National Review cruise.
CB: GOP pin-up girl Sarah Palin.
--Indeed! And the Democrats' pin-up girl? Nancy Pelosi. Yes, cringe-worthy.
CB: I'll stipulate that that's condescending...
--No stipulation is necessary.
CB: Nexis and Google have failed to unearth evidence of any previous candidate for the US vice presidency being called by their own campaign, no less, a whack job.
--Which speaks more to Mr McCain's campaign than it does to Ms Palin. Hey, you're the one who had dinner with the guy.
CB: Gov. Palin...prepositionally challenged...
--Now, Chris, if you're going to call it satire, you really should reach higher than this. You're dangerously close to becoming Bill Maher.
CB: To quote the incomparable Christopher Hitchens.
--Oh, I can compare him to something!
CB: It would be pointless, to say nothing of downright idiotic...
--But you're doing so well!
CB: Mike Huckabee, I believe Mr Hitchens dismissed him as a clown.
--Chris, please, give us an original thought. Or, at least link us to Mr Hitchens.
CB: In the special election to fill his Senate seat, Gov. Palin would be the likely winner...greatly enlivening things for those of us who make our living amidst the dark Satanic Beltway mills.
--The moment at which Christopher Buckley becomes a stalker.
After the longest Presidential election cycle in history, are we not ready to scream at anyone who speaks of 2012?
With all the important news coverage and the financial crisis that abounds and potential bailouts at issue, Mrs. Palin's future should be in the lifestyle section under wardrobe.
I think all of this talk about the future of the Republican party, and the massive ink devoted to it, I find ridiculous and self destructive to the Republican party and the nation. But if they want to continue to talk about how Obama's win isn't an electoral landslide and one of the largest popular vote wins in a long period of time isn't a significant mandate for his policies, then I suppose they should look for 2010 to continue to be a loss of seats in Congress.
Poor Sarah Palin - I have to feel for the lady. She got tapped, said yes, and it's been a firestorm of way too much publicity ever since.
As much as I loved her initial speech, God help her, she did too good of a job delivering it, because everyone, including the dogcatchers seems to be willing to jump all over her with critism and too much focus on any ability she might have had to be a woman on the way up.
I believe she received too much national attention too soon - for her ability to handle it. I hope she chooses to retire from the national limelight for a few decades and focus on the many many challenges she will face at home and with Alaska.
Mr. Buckley, it is obvious that you are opposed to anyone who does not come from your "social" circle. When you endorsed Sen. Obama, you said that it was a good thing that your parents were dead. I agree. Your father was a true conservative who thought before opening his mouth. You on the other hand are a poster child for the old expression that "empty barrels make the most noise."
In the spirit of reconciliation, it would be wise for President Obama to appoint Ms. Palin ambassador to Africa. Her pastor has already inoculated her against witches, so she's good to go. Since global warming does not exist in her mind, she'll still be able to snowmobile on Kilimanjaro, and there's plenty of critters there for shootin' and field dressin'.
Sarah Palin is the one who is cowardly, cruel, mean-spirited, immature, and unprofessional. Palin is the jerk whose campaign speeches took things out of context that were neither fair nor right.
I really like you. I hope you don't go away... you begin to put polish back on my tarnished, hell! blackened silver spoon... ta.
Mr. Buckley, I cannot tell you how much I enjoy your writing. So clever and entertaining. We are rarely treated to such command of the language or such sharp wit in this time of public figures like Palin. I eagerly look forward to every one of your commentaries and am so glad that you are now in TDB, accessible to a much wider audience than the NR. They will regret your loss.
Palin and McCain
Mavericky again.
That's the slogan for 2012. Put her at the top of the ballot. Make Joe the Plumber the campaign manager (he certainly will be more effective than Mark Salter), hide Rudy and Romney in the closet, and shoot some Democrats (whoops, can't do that, although Cheney did shoot a moderate Republican, and they are now extinct).
Buckley, Colbert, Letterman, Stewart, and the rest will have lots to chew on after the Boring Obama years. No drama Obama is not going to be good for you guys, although your "brethren" on the right, Dodd, Hannity, Limbaugh, and O'Reily may be making some comedy ops of their own for you.
Palin and McCain
Mavericky again
That's the slogan for 2012. Put her at the top of the ballot. Make Joe the Plumber the campaign manager (he certainly will be more effective than Mark Salter), hide Rudy and Romney in the closet, and shoot some Democrats (whoops, can't do that, although Cheney did shoot a moderate Republican, and they are now extinct).
Buckley, Colbert, Letterman, Stewart, and the rest will have less to chew on with the Boring Obama years. No drama Obama is not going to be good for those guys, although their "brethren" on the right, Dobbs, Hannity, Limbaugh, and O'Reily may be making some comedy ops of their own for other comedians.
corrected from earlier post.
lol, good stuff KtodaA. I'm knew so not sure if Buckley is obsessed or not but the GOP certainly is. As a republican I can easily say "What the ---- just happened?!" Some how this turned into some kind of Mythological scene. Mcain became the Hydra, only he was blind so he lashes out at everyone and hurts himself more than anyone else. Rovian tactics were turned to stone when they saw their own reflection like Medusa did. A sweet song was sung that made all of the Neo-cons sail numbly towards the reefs of the Sirens. And when they crashed, Sarah Palin ate them up. Joe (the Droopy Dog) Leiberman rose from the depths, saw the head of Palin as the Kraken did, and also turned to stone. This is why so many like me voted Obama. Republicans are falling apart. They pick Palin 2012, they will officially lose all of the non neo-cons, young republicans and women for the most part. Sad, gimme meh party back you nubs!!!
I am sorry to say that Ms. Palin needs more than education to be appropriate for the Whitehouse. She was a female George W., and I don't think the country will put up with one of those after Mr. Obama has been in power for a while.
One's leaders should be superior to the rest of the population, at least in some ways, not 'one of the guys/gals'; I am surprised this hockey mom got as far as governor!
While we all live for everything Palin, I was growing fond on the 'MACK IS BACK' attack that was alive and well one short week ago....we all knew Mack wasn't back. but there were worries. Mrs. Palin might say we were paranoid.
.and she was right, we are...
Speaking to to my son, a conservative whackjob, I floated the idea of just letting Alaska go, ala the AIP...they could still be members of NAFTA, how ironic....
.of course he then read the laundry list of natural resources, and the Russia on a clear day can be observed from somewhere near the walmart,....but really, lets just let wasilla and surrounds go, and with gas below 74 a barrel, the state can't make rent anway....
I don't see the Eliza Doolittle resemblance here. That would require someone of intelligence believing Palin had the foundation on which to build and she being willing to be transformed. It appears Palin didn't believe she needed to be remade as she is apparently quite convinced of who she is and what she deserves.
What I see is a privileged cheerleader/beauty queen. The sort that would do whatever she needed to achieve her immediate desire.
I see a lot wrong in Palin's "holier than thou" stance. A lot of people become "proud religious fanatics" to atone for a deed they cannot reconcile in their own mind.
Is there a relationship here between Palin's refusal to release her medical records and her fanatical "no choice" stance?
Let her run again and we may find out.
Mr. Buckley speaks wisely.
Palin is and always will be a KOOK in her beliefs... and an extremely dangerous one to the US, our Constitution, the environment and the world, if she ever gets power.
Why not Palin as ambassador to Russia? She could paddle home everynight and charge a per diem to the embassy for her expenses.
KtodaA, you must have a lot of time on your hands.
I thought this was hilarious, Buckley. The paragraph about Chaney and the pheasant holocaust was a riot. You captured the ridiculousness of the future, much to the misunderstandings, apparently, of other readers. Job well done.
As always, a fine analysis Mr. Buckley! I agree that its far too early to early to stake claim to one of the three possible scenarios. But what the hell. I say it's got to be Mrs. Palin Goes to Washington. It is simply not in her DNA to quietly fade away. And as for educating the woman, well, you simply can't polish that kind of stupid in a mere 4 years.
Oh puleeze Mister GOP, let us have Palin in 2012. We never got to ask her why she believes humans and dinosaurs co-existed, or what books she wanted to ban at the Wasila library, or where Asia is. There wasn't even time for all those funny books about her grammar. Bring her back so we can get our Tina Fey fix.