Finger-Lickin’, Rib-Stickin’, Fall-Off the-Bone-and-into-Your-Mouth Chicken
How long it takes: 15 to prep, 45 to cook
How much it makes: easily feeds 4 to 6 people, depending on how many wings you make
What you need: 1 family pack chicken wings (20 to 30 wings) A 20 sack seasoned salt (2 dime bags or 2 tablespoons) 1 dime bag pepper 1 cup brown ale Thai hot sauce ¾ cup balsamic vinegar 2 tablespoons minced garlic 1 medium white onion, chopped One 4 oz. can diced jalapeños Two 10¾ oz. cans condensed cream of chicken soup Assorted colored bell peppers (2 should do)
What to do with it: 1. First of all, get your oven all preheated to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. 2. Place your chicken into a large bowl. It’s time to get your chicken ready to receive the seasoning! Drop in your 20 sack of seasoned salt, followed by your dime bag of black pepper. 3. Mix 1 cup brown ale with about 5 little drops of Thai hot sauce and pour it over your chicken. Bawk, bawk, motherf—a! 4. Now drizzle in the balsamic vinegar and slap your chicken around the bowl. 5. Toss in the garlic. Don’t worry, it won’t be all garlicky and shit. 6. Drop in the chopped onion. Get your hands in there again, making sure to caress the chicken and get it covered up in those juices. Shaka! 7. Liberally toss in a handful of jalapeños. Zulu! 8. Pour in the cream of chicken soup. It’s like gravy, baby. 9. Get in there and mix it up one last time. 10. Now before you go and chop up your bell peppers, make sure to remove those produce stickers. After that, place them inside with your chicken. 11. Pour the chicken and the sauce into a large baking dish. Cook your chicken until it falls off the bone. In layman’s terms, about 40 to 50 minutes. 12. Bring your ass to the motherf—in’ table. It’s time to eat some Finger-Lickin’, Rib-Stickin’, Fall-Off-the-Bone-and-into-Your-Mouth Chicken!
Don Chicken Alfredo
How long it takes: 15 to prep, 20 to cook up
How much it makes: you can make 6 to 8 people an offer they can’t refuse
What you need: 1 pound fettuccine (cooked and drained) 6 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves (I like it grilled and then cut into strips, but you can cube it too if you like) ¼ cup plus 3 tablespoons olive oil 4 tablespoons minced garlic 1 dime bag Italian seasoning 1 medium white onion, chopped One 8 oz. package mushrooms, sliced ¹/³ cup all-purpose flour 3 cups milk ¾ cup grated Parmesan cheese 2 cups shredded Colby-Monterey Jack cheese 3 large tomatoes, diced ½ cup sour cream 1 dime bag salt 1 dime bag pepper
What to do with it: 1. First and foremost, if you read the directions, your fettuccine should be done and resting by now. If not, do it! Now, prepare your sauce. 2. Take your large skillet and slap that baby down over medium heat. 3. Combine the chicken, ¼ cup olive oil, 2 tablespoons garlic, and 1 tablespoon Italian seasoning in the skillet and cook for 7 to 9 minutes, until that fowl is no longer pink inside. 4. Get yourself another skillet and combine the remaining 3 tablespoons olive oil, 2 tablespoons garlic, the onion, and the mushrooms and sauté it all up over medium heat until the onions are as see-through as expensive lingerie, 5 to 6 minutes. 5. Stir in the flour and then cook it up for 2 minutes. 6. Slowly add the milk and stir until it’s smooth like Barry and creamy like White. Oh yeah, baby! 7. Turn off the heat and stir in the Parmesan cheese and Colby-Monterey Jack cheese until the cheese is all nice and melted. 8. Lastly, gently stir in the chicken mixture along with the tomatoes and sour cream, and add peenches of salt and pepper to taste. 9. Take a long, deep whiff of that aroma and ladle it over your warm fettuccine.
Soul Rolls
How long it takes: 20 to prep, 25 to cook
How much it makes: 15 to 20 rolls, enough for 5 people
What you need: One 16 oz. package large spring roll wrappers 1 pound ground turkey or ground beef 1 dime bag seasoned salt 1 dime bag pepper 1 medium white onion, finely diced 1 teaspoon minced garlic A mix of dipping sauces (chili sauce, salsa, ranch, Thousand Island dressing, and so on) 1 head green or red cabbage, chopped (I recommend using a half a head of each for color!) One 8 oz. bag shredded Jack or Cheddar cheese Sunflower oil
What to do with it: 1. First thing you want to do is cover your spring roll wrappers with a slightly damp towel to keep them from drying out. With that done, it’s time for some Blasian cookin’. 2. Place 1 pound of ground turkey or ground beef into a medium-size bowl. You can even use ground chicken or ground alligator. I don’t give a damn! 3. Pour in half a dime bag of seasoned salt, which is about ½ tablespoon. 4. Follow that up with 4 peenches of pepper. 5. Toss in half a handful of chopped white onion. 6. Spoon in 1 teaspoon minced garlic. 7. Get your hands in there and mix it up. 8. Don’t be afraid if you look at your meat and it don’t look complete. All you got to do is give it a sniff. If it doesn’t smell like the best damn thing you’ve ever smelled, add another peench or two of seasoned salt. 9. All ya kitchen pimps and hos, it’s time to improvise! That’s right, raid your refrigerator and add some sauce to your meat. 10. Use a spoon and get it all coagulated. 11. Break up your meat and cook it in a large skillet until it’s nice and brown. 12. Spread out 1 spring roll wrapper. 13. Take a little cabbage and spread it right on there. 14. Take a little ground beef and put it over your cabbage. 15. Take a little cheese and put that right on top. 16. Do a little dance with your sauce girls. 17. Now, roll it nice and tight like a blunt. Rolling it too loose will make it too greasy on the inside. 18. Pour enough sunflower oil into a large wok or pan to float your soul rolls. Turn the heat all the way up and let it get HOT! 19. Carefully drop in 2 to 4 soul rolls, depending on the size of your wok or pan. Let them cook for 3 to 4 minutes, until golden brown, turning them occasionally. 20. Let them cool for a minute or two on a plate covered in paper towels to let the oil drain. When they’re cool enough to eat, dip them in your favorite sauce and eat it like a damn burrito.
Hot Fruit Sandwich
How long it takes: 5 to prep, 10 to make
How much it makes: a good meal capper for 4 to 6 hungry people
What you need: 4 tablespoons olive oil ½ cup blueberries ½ cup chopped strawberries ½ cup apples, peeled and chopped ½ cup chopped raspberries ½ cup peach syrup 3 tablespoons dark brown sugar 1 loaf white or whole wheat sandwich bread Confectioners’ sugar (optional) Vanilla ice cream (optional)
What to do with it: 1. In a large skillet, get 2 tablespoons olive oil all hot and bothered over medium heat. 2. Pour your blueberries, strawberries, apple, raspberries, and peach syrup into the skillet. Sprinkle in your brown sugar like it’s a nuclear winter and cook for 5 to 7 minutes. 3. In separate skillet, heat the remaining 2 tablespoons olive oil on medium heat. Grab a few slices of bread and toast them up until they’re golden brown. 4. Mash the bread down real thin and pour 2 to 3 spoonfuls of the fruit mix on top. Plate it up and serve. 5. If you’re feeling really creative, sprinkle with some confectioners’ sugar and scoop a lump of vanilla ice cream on the side.
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