Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert Host the Rally to Restore Sanity and the Rally to Keep Fear Alive

An Entrance Worthy of a Chilean Miner

Thousands attended the rally for “people too busy to go to rallies,” which kicked off in true Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert style. Stewart greeted the crowd before begging Colbert to come out of his “fear bunker” and join him on stage. And, when he finally did, he came up through a rescue pod.

Colbert’s Inaugural Poem of Fear

Who could better recite the words of Stephen Colbert’s poem than Law & Order’s Sam Waterston. The actor told the more than 150,000 in attendance that they'd better be careful—fear was everywhere. Colbert’s ‘Mine’ poem warned the masses that fear could be “that guy who just coughed on your neck,” or perhaps that “bearded Ayatollah.”

Battle of the Trains: Cat Stevens vs. Ozzy Osbourne

Which train will you get on? The Peace Train, conducted by the granola-eating Stewart, or the Fear Train, with Colbert at the helm? You can’t go wrong either way, considering the conductors are music legends Ozzy Osbourne and Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens. Neither musician managed to get through a full song—Stewart derailed Ozzy’s fear-fest and forced Stevens to bring us back to sanity.

7-year-old receives the Medal of Fear

The words “Cavene Cadmium Sit” were inscribed on the glorious gold medal, depicting a naked man running with scissors. Colbert said the words translate to “warning may contain cadmium” in Latin. A fitting warning, since news organizations The New York Times, ABC and NPR banned their reporters from attending the rally. So, naturally, Colbert awarded the medal to an adorable and “brave” 7 year old in lieu of the news organizations.

Stewart and Colbert Do a Duet

The two hosts belted their patriotic hearts out on stage—despite their different takes on patriotism. Colbert “loves NASCAR half-time shows with tons of TNT,” while Stewart proudly boasted that his “hybrid electric scooter gets 100 mpgs.” Nothing, however, is more patriotic than their matching American flag jackets.

Kid Rock, Sheryl Crow and a Green Screen T.I.

If anyone knows fear and insanity, it’s rapper T.I. The rapper pre-recorded a jingle to sync up with Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow’s decidedly serious song. Crow and Rock sang “I can’t walk on water, I can’t save the sons and daughters, I can’t save the world, but the least that I can do is care.” T.I. couldn’t make it to Washington, D.C. because he on his way to an 11-month prison sentence.

Stewart and Colbert Face Off as “Formidable Opponents”

Stewart and Colbert wrapped up the rally with a debate, where they discussed Islamophobia and fear mongering. While the debate was humorous, it ended reflectively with Stewart telling the crowd that despite some fears that seem real, he has faith in the American people to solve the nation’s problems.