Reality TV star Bethenny Frankel’s latest book, Skinnydipping, explores the world of a young Hollywood actress who wears a variety of hats before rising to success. Sound familiar? Protagonist Faith Brightstone is a thinly veiled version of Frankel, who stars in her own show after breaking out in Real Housewives of New York City. Brimming with every L.A. cliché possible to squeeze into a 350-page novel, Skinnydipping is one pool party after another. So if you’re looking for a light read—and we mean light—you might be amused by the girl fights, mansions, manicures, and penis jokes that make up Frankel’s prose. But if you’d rather skip the fluff, here’s the condensed version: eight of the wildest moments from Bethenny Frankel’s first fictitious attempt.
1. Faith Has an Epiphany About Thongs
“My Sleaze monitor was going off. He began rubbing my shoulders and grinning at me. I was conscious of my uncomfortable thong riding up, but resisted the urge to yank it bank into place. Can someone please tell me why we spend our entire childhoods trying to get our underwear out of our asses, and our entire adulthood trying to put it back in there?” (61)
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2. Faith Does Cocaine
“Tony portioned out the lines and I snorted one line. That was enough, and I wanted to stay in control. He inhaled the rest. He leaned back on the bed, his arms behind his head, and looked at me. ‘You’re cool,’ he said. ‘I like you.’ He patted the space on the mattress next to him. I crawled over, trying to show my cleavage to the best of my advantage. He put his arm around me. ‘And you’re so much hotter than my wife.’” (31)
3. Faith Gets Shut Down
“The audition went better than I’d expected. I actually felt like I knew what I was doing. After I read my lines, the director looked at me with some interest. I could tell I’d nailed it…I was perfect for him. I was sexy and flirty and funny, and I couldn’t believe the director wasn’t going to be at least somewhat intrigued….‘Can I give you a little bit of advice?...Look, you were OK. It was actually pretty good. But frankly, you’re a little too heavy. If you could lose twenty pounds, we might consider you, but I’m just going to tell you right now that as is, we’ve got to pass.’” (89)
4. Faith Gets High on Diet Pills
“The next week, I felt better than I had in years. I’d lost five pounds and Perry had lost three. I was more tired and wired, especially from the herbal diet pills I was taking. They got me wound up and feeling a little bit high, but they killed my appetite. I felt thinner and more free because I was so much more in control of what I was eating (which was, essentially, nothing). (91).
5. Faith Realizes She’s Starring in a Soft-Core Porno
“‘OK girls,” the director instructed. “First scene. You’re on the bed together, watching TV. You’re best friends, and there’s always been a certain chemistry between you. April is boy crazy, and Tanya, you’re the one who’s more mature and interested in experimenting.’ We climbed onto the bed. ‘Ready and…action.’…‘Have you ever kissed a girl?’ I said in my best teasing voice. ‘Of course not! Have you?’ ‘No…but I’d like to try.’ The script said that I slipped my arm around her waist as we both lay on the bed…’Wait a minute,’ I said, breaking character. I was feeling very uncomfortable. ‘Hold on. This is all feeling a little soft-core porn to me.’” (139)
6. Faith Partakes in a Girl Fight
“‘One of those topless girls looked an awful lot like you. But much younger,’ she said, driving it home. Ouch. I swallowed and tossed back my hair. ‘Actually, it wasn’t a B movie, it was a double-D movie,’ I said. ‘I bet you’d love to be in one of those, but…’ I shook my head, looking apologetically at her small breasts…I leaned in towards Christine. ‘You think you can outbitch me, bitch?’ I whispered. ‘Well, think again. While you were riding horses and getting manicures with your boarding school friends, I was betting trifectas at Aqueduct Racetrack. I wouldn’t play with knives if I were you. You might get hurt.’” (253-254)
7. Faith Gets a (Spoiler Alert!) Super Generic Wedding Proposal
“He knelt down on one knee in front of me, right there in front of my building. The doorman leaned out to watch. A woman walking her dog slowed down as she passed us. Then…reached into his pocket and pulled out a little velvet box. He opened it and held it up to me. It was a large sparkling diamond solitaire on a platinum band set with tiny diamonds. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Was this really happening?” (341)
8. Bethenny Slips in a Housewives Reference
“’What’s your show going to be about?’ I shot back. ‘Being a housewife? Who would ever want to watch a show about being a housewife?’ Sybil looked at the three of us and smiled, ‘Never underestimate the power of a housewife,’ she said.” (295)
