Itâs mid-December, which means itâs time to break out your puffy coat, catch up on all the Oscar contenders in theaters, and start playing Mariah Careyâs âAll I Want for Christmas Is Youâ on constant loop for the next two weeks. The urge to play Mimi all day, every day, during the Yuletide season is understandableâthe track is holiday-tinged aural pleasure and anyone who disagrees is the soul-spawn of Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge. (Have you seen this new version featuring Jimmy Fallon, the Roots, and four precocious wee ones? Joy set to music.)
But itâs also because the track is, really, the only true new Christmas hit weâve had since its release in 1994. Sure, the standard carols and tracks by the likes of the Beach Boys, Wham!, and John Lennon endure, but Careyâs bouncy pop track is the only modern one we can really consider a true holiday standard. Nevertheless, dozens of Christmas albums from huge music stars flood shelves each year, and typically contain at least one attempt at introducing a new, original holiday song to the canon.
More often than not, they are embarrassingly awful and quite bizarre. From John Travolta and Olivia Newton-Johnâs most recent effort to releases from Justin Bieber and even Snoop Dogg, here are the worst and the weirdest.
John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John: âI Think You Might Like Itâ (2012)
Ever wonder what Danny and Sandy from Grease grew up to be like? As John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John so tragically illuminate in the music video for their new Christmas song, âI Think You Might Like It,â they became your embarrassing parents. In the video, the long-ago high-school sweethearts recreate the âYouâre the One That I Wantâ line dance and feign tears while watching Itâs a Wonderful Life, while Travolta rocks a soul patch. And then, inexplicably, the whole thing turns sexual when Newton-John begins moaning, âI like it,â toward the end.
The Killers: âI Feel It in My Bonesâ (2012)
Not to be confused with the hilariously tone-deaf Christmas tune crooned by Bill Nighy in Love, Actually, The Killersâ latest holiday effort might be even more inappropriate for the season: the song features a Santa brandishing a rifle and mounting in Harley in pursuit of those whoâve been more naughty than nice. Still, if nothing else, itâs a fitting follow-up to the bandâs 2009 Christmas track, âDonât Shoot Me Santa.â
Snoop Dogg: âSanta Claus Goes Straight to the Ghettoâ (1996)
Hard to believe this one never caught on, eh?
Backstreet Boys: âItâs Christmas Time Againâ (2012)
BSBâs new holiday tune would be harder to mock had it not been released a decade after the bandâs prime, but alas, the newly reunited group has gifted us âItâs Christmas Time Againâ now. In the age of One Direction and X-Factorâs Emblem 3, lyrics like âLa ta la ta la daâ just show the groupâs, well, age. Upon its release, group member Nick Carter said, âThere arenât that many original holiday songs out thereââan astute pointââand we really feel we made a timeless contribution to the season, and a song our kidsâ kids will be listening to.â Or not.
Britney Spears: âMy Only Wish (This Year)â (2000)
Britney Spearsâs foray into holiday music, released before she was âNot. That. Innocent.,â is so quintessentially bubblegum that it has the same nauseous effect as overindulging in gingerbread cookies. Slightly refreshing, however, is the lack of Auto-Tune and digital sweetening that has come to define Spearsâs voice in recent years.
Jessica Simpson: âMy Only Wishâ (2010)
Oh, Jess! Youâre about a decade late. Brit Brit beat you to the cringe-worthy-Christmas-song-called-âMy-Only-Wishâ by a full 10 years. With lyrics like âIf only given one wish for Christmas / A lot of things would truly come to mindâ and a melody that sounds like she was making it up on the spot, Simpson doesnât even reach the mediocre heights of Spearsâs earlier effort.
Kenny Chesney: âAll I Want for Christmas Is a Real Good Tanâ (2003)
âDonât you think itâs a really good plan? / All I want is a real good tan.â Yep. Credit Kenny Chesney for trying to warm up carolers with a tune that evokes surf, sand, and drinks with umbrellas over more season-typical things like snow, Santa, and hot cocoa. The end result, however, is extreme bitterness from listeners over the fact they are, not, in fact, getting a âreal good tan.â Real good wind burn, maybe, though thatâs less catchy.
Justin Bieber: âMistletoeâ (2011)
The Biebs was only 17 when he crooned about âfeeling one thing, your lips on my lipsâ and called his paramour âshawtyâ in the 2011 song âMistletoe.â So, in summary: Ew.
Gloria Estefan: âLove on Layawayâ (2000)
At first thereâs a semi-pleasing Latin vibe to Gloria Estefanâs 2000 track âLove on Layaway,â with bongos punching up a traditionally schmaltzy holiday orchestration. But then the groan-worthy chorus kicks in, in which Estefan literally sings about putting âlove on layaway for you,â as if her heart goes shopping at Wal-Mart. Then she egregiously cribs Mimiâs hit, warbling about how âall I want for Christmas is you,â which is just unforgivable.
98 Degrees: âThis Giftâ (1998)
Sorry, couldnât get through more than 30 seconds of this one.
Hanson: âEverybody Knows the Clausâ (1997)
The Hanson brothers, those long-haired teenaged elves from Tulsa that earwormed their way into pop-culture historyâif not our heartsâwith the infectious âMmmbop,â try so hard with âEverybody Knows the Claus.â But itâs just so, so bad. âDonât you smell the cookies heâs bakinâ,â the song warns. âCanât you see that belly itâs shakinâ / Donât take a cookie off of that pan / You donât want to mess with this man.â It all comes off like a song written for a freshman English class projectâwhich is actually quite appropriate, considering the Hanson brothers were just wee cherubs themselves when they wrote it.
NewSong: âChristmas Shoesâ (2000)
Itâs the holiday song that doubles as a full-length soap opera, with a narrator who buys a pair of womenâs shoes for a boy who wants to give his dying mother a nice gift, but in the end receives the greatest gift of all: the true meaning of Christmas. Itâs inspired a full-length book, a movie starring Rob Lowe, and alternating floods of tears or groans, depending on who you talk to. Just donât talk to Patton Oswalt about it.