Justin Bieber Has Been Drag Racing Down the Road to Recovery

For normal people, an underage arrest for a DUI incurred while drag racing expensive cars on the streets of Miami would be understood as a turning point; a time to re-examine one's life choices, and attempt to regain a semblance of sanity. But Justin Bieber is not a normal person—he's a pop star with the voice of an angel, goddammit, and if he wants to have more pot in his bloodstream than actual blood, than that's his own prerogative! Following his January 23 Miami arrest, Bieber has been drag racing down the road to recovery, crashing into scandal after scandal. It's been a wild ride.

It's looking like Bieber's next big tour will be of various courthouses around the world. Only a week after he was arrested for intoxicated drag racing in Miami, Bieber was charged in Toronto with assaulting a limo driver. The alleged assault took place on December 30, when Bieber and six other revelers were picked up from a nightclub in an early morning limo. Reports indicate that one of the passengers, supposedly the baby-faced, under-aged Canadian crooner himself, hit the limo diver on the back of the head several times over the course of the drive. The attacker, who may or may not have been Justin Bieber (but probably was, according to these new charges) fled the scene of the crime. Biebs is set to appear in court on March 10—of course, given his penchant for destructive driving, he'll probably have to take another limousine to get there.

When it comes to Bieber's buffet of recent scandals, everyone seems to be talking about the "losers"—the innocent people that Bieber has hurt or disappointed on his way to becoming a walking TMZ report. These losers include, but are not limited to, Bieber's fans, his record label/manager, paparazzi, club owners/bouncers, and Canadian and American pedestrians. But no one is talking about the winners here—the tabloid and blogosphere scribes who get to write headlines like this: Flying High? Exclusive Inside Story on Bieber's 'Pot' Plane. This story is so unfathomable that NBC News assigned four writers to cover it. It's like Watergate, if Watergate revolved around a teen pop star in drop-crotch pants. This journalistic coup follows Bieber and his crew as they travel from Canada to attend the Super Bowl aboard a rented Gulfstream IV. Apparently Bieber and his entourage, which included his own father (Oh boy) smoked so much pot on board that the pilots were compelled to wear oxygen masks.

Once Bieber and his crew landed at Teterboro, their plane was immediately stopped and searched by law enforcement agents. While sources reported that the aircraft reeked of marijuana, officials did not find any drugs on board—proving that the only lesson Justin Bieber learned is that you should always finish smoking all of your weed. Customs officials proceeded to question Bieber n’ friends, allegedly on account of his recent legal troubles. But don't worry—by 8:30 p.m. Bieber was officially cleared, freeing him to enjoy a host of Super Bowl festivities. We can all breath a little easier now.

While all these scandals were brewing, the romantics and US Weekly subscribers among us were wondering how Selena Gomez, Bieber's on-and-off again girlfriend and Instagram co-star, was faring. Apparently, not too well. According to TMZ, Selena Gomez checked into rehab last month for two weeks of treatment. Like most of North America, Gomez seems to have a bit of a Bieber problem. For Selena, Justin was a gateway drug—he and his posse introduced the starlet to their hard partying ways, allegedly triggering her problems with alcohol, pot, and prescription Ambien.

If you want revenge on Justin Bieber for hurting poor Selena and also for all that other stuff, you're not alone. The Deport Justin Bieber Petition, has already garnered the necessary number of signatures to elicit a White House response. The irate petition demands "to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive, and drug abusing, Justin Bieber deported and his green card revoked."

But despite all of his recent infractions, Justin Bieber still thinks he'll be just fine, thank you very much. In a thinly veiled tweet at his haters following his first arrest, Bieber twit-screamed:

While Bieber might still be worthy in the eyes of his lord, that doesn't necessarily mean he's worthy of a green card—and he's definitely going to have a hard time convincing anyone that he’s worthy of a driver’s license.