Votehog Day…
Feb. 3rd—Both Houses reconvened on Capitol Hill. Harry Reid emerged from hole in Senate, saw shadow. Eleven more months of Congress forecast.
GOP Says, “I’ll Buy a Vowel…”
Rep. Paul Ryan calls bipartisan immigration reform bill “in doubt.” Not so sure. Both parties are under pressure to act. Republicans want immigration reform as part of long-running struggle to obtain votes from people whose names end in a, e, i, o, u and sometimes y. (Last notable success was during Reagan administration with “Malone, O’Hara, Gilhooey, etc.) Democrats want immigration reform because they can’t figure out how to get the leaf blower started.
Long Story…
In last Sunday’s New York Times about the way federal ethics rules to limit lobbying by former senior officials but still allow D.C. staffers to leave useless administration and worthless Congress to take meaningful jobs with organizations that actually accomplish things. Times, however, did not seem excited about this.
Nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office Spills the Beans…
Predicts Obama’s Affordable Care Act health-insurance program will shrink the work force by 2.5 million employees. Fortunately, they’ll have health insurance.
Republicans Gloat… Harry Reid, Living in Senate Squat, Announces He’s in Touch With His Inner Slacker…
Claims CBO report “rightfully says that people shouldn’t have job lock. We live in a country where we should be free agents. People can do what they want.” Reid will seek part-time job on Senate Artisanal Cheese Subcommittee.
Congressional Deadlock Unlikely to Be Solved by 2014 Midterm Elections…
Fundraising by Republican PACs with ideas, such as FreedomWorks, Club for Growth, and Tea Party Patriots, is outstripping, almost 3-to-1, fundraising by mainstream Republican PACs with no ideas.
People vote for Republicans because they don’t have ideas.
Give your ATM PIN code to a Nigerian emailer. Give Woody Allen a daycare license. But never give a politician an idea.
952 Billion Reasons I Don’t Understand Liberal Ideas…
Official poverty threshold in U.S. is $11,490. Federal government spends $668 billion a year on 126 programs to fight poverty. State and local governments spend an additional $284 billion. Total of $952 billion is spent on 46.5 million Americans living below the poverty line: $952 bil. : 46.5 mil. = $20,877. JUST GIVE THEM THE FUCKING MONEY.
Being Fair, Here Is an Example of Republican Ideas…
Pew research poll found 43 percent of Republicans believe in evolution, down from 54 percent in 2009. Spokesman for Republican National Committee dismissed Pew data, calling it politically insignificant, as his knuckles dragged on the ground.
And Here Is Another…
Las Vegas is being considered as site for 2016 GOP National Convention. Great choice for party that bet big on Sarah Palin, Mitt “47%” Romney, 2012 Senate candidates Richard rape-doesn’t-cause-pregnancy Murdock, and Todd if-it-does-it’s-God’s-will Akin, etc.
Casino owners excited at prospect of numerous visitors who will ask for another card when dealt a king and a 10 at the blackjack table.
On the Other Hand, Obama, Interviewed by Bill O’Reilly Before Super Bowl, Reveals How Completely Out-of-Touch the President Is With Real Americans…
Asked who’d win, the president said, “These guys are too evenly matched. I think it’s going to be 24-21, but I don’t know who’ going to be 24 and I don’t know who’s going to be 21.”
Mr. President, with all due respect, season-best defense and season-best offense have been matched five times in Super Bowl history. Defense has always won, which is something you’d know if you hadn’t spent youth hanging around un-American places like the Ivy League.
Dow Jones Dropped 326 Points on Monday…
Traders blame president’s prediction of Seahawks-Broncos three-point spread. Major selloff required to get straight with bookies. You’d think just being interviewed on Fox would make Obama bet the defensive.
Or Maybe Dow Was Janet Yellen’s Fault…
She took office Monday as Federal Reserve chairman. Her idea is “diminished quantitative easing.” Sounds like something prescription drug promises in TV ads. “Side effects may include recession, job contraction, 401(k) bruising, recurrent Dow fluctuation, and IRA bleeding.”
But If Quantitative Easing Goes Untreated…
Argentina had to devalue its currency. Nation has interesting monetary system based on peso with peso being worth 100 centavos and centavo being worth nothing.
On West Coast…
Three men indicted for setting wildfires. Thousands of people forced to flee their LA homes. None of those people being the people you’d like to see forced to flee their LA homes.
California drought threatens supply of drinking water. Californians may have to import drinking water from as far away as France, Fiji, and San Pellegrino, Italy, in tiny bottles, sparkling or still.
Why is California so easy to pick on? Other than because the people who made Ride Along, That Awkward Moment, The Nut Job, Her and I, Frankenstein are still at home, drinking Evian.
But no Best Foreign Film Oscar nomination for Blue Is the Warmest Color? Is Hollywood no longer run by pervy old creeps? Another crack in the cornerstone of the American way of life.
Elsewhere in Cracked Parts of America…
Two Utah state legislators in trouble for making gender-identity bathroom jokes on Twitter. Meanwhile, Barneys runs ad supplement in New York Times using transgender models. Suggest culture war compromise with Barneys running ad supplement using Utah state legislator models and everybody tweeting about it from bathroom of his/her choice.
Many States Experiencing Revenue Surpluses…
A wide variety of ways to keep from giving the money back to taxpayers being vigorously debated in statehouses.
U.S. Abortion Rate at Lowest Level in 30 Years…
Victory claimed by abortion supporters, abortion opponents, and 1.5 million little bastards born out of wedlock last year.
News That Gives You the Business…
Radio Shack to close 500 stores. Spent all its money on clever Super Bowl ad, didn’t have enough left to stock shelves.
Sochi Winter Olympic Games Begin Today…
Suggestion for increased viewership among key 18-to-34 male demographic: downhill ice dancing.
After controversy about Chinese-manufactured American team uniforms at 2012 London Olympics, Ralph Lauren attests U.S. team’s Opening Ceremony outfits are 100 percent made in the U.S.A. To judge by appearance, sweaters were knitted by grandma on meth.
Sochi hospitality facilities may not be fully prepared for Winter Games spectators. On dessert menu at one new hotel, a “Mondae”—frozen lard covered in borsch with a turnip on top.
New Egyptian Constitution…
“We part of the People of Egypt—and not the nice part—in Order to arrest Dissidents, crush Opposition, shoot Protesters, elect a Tin Pot Military Dictator, and secure Everything we can grab to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for as long as we can get away with it.”
This Just In…
Vladimir Putin endorses plan to tweet about Barneys models from bathroom of his/her choice.
President Mahmoud Abbas Wants NATO Troops in Future Palestinian State…
Because it worked so well in Afghanistan.
Hamid Karzai in Secret Talks With Taliban…
Which is more than you can say for Barack Obama and Republicans.
Or Barack Obama and Democrats Either…
Harry Reid and the rest of the Groundhogs, Woodchucks, Whistle Pigs, and large Ground Squirrels scuttled back down their burrows (dug by union labor) at mention of increased presidential authority to negotiate free-trade agreements.
Go Figure…
Since 1980, number of competitive bowlers in America has dropped from almost 9 million to fewer than 2 million. Meanwhile, number of Americans in silly shoes has skyrocketed.
