Hey, Detroit, This Is Just The Kind of Thing You’ll Want To Try With Pit Bulls…
Naples, Italy, with $2 billion in overdue municipal debt, crumbling infrastructure, and pervasive organized crime, cracks down on dog poop. Every dog in the city will be given a DNA test and, when a steaming pile is found on the street, DNA match will be made and the dog’s owner will be fined up to 500 euros.
2014 Sochi Winter Olympics Ended Sunday…
Without terrorism incidents, thanks to improved cellphone coverage in Chechnya and Dagestan. Militant Islamists connect, at last, with Suicide Hotline
Russia Wins Medal Count in Olympics Held in Russia…
Bear shits in the woods. Or, as they say in Italy, dog shits in Naples.
Never Mind…
That one of the judges in the women’s figure skating contest won by Russian Adelina Sotnikova is married to the director of the Russian Figure Skating Federation. The judge is said to have been scrupulously fair, keeping her eyes closed while Sotnikova skated and picking the first score number that popped into her mind.
U.S. Winds Up Neck-in-Neck for Gold…
With the Netherlands, population 16.8 million, where it rarely snows and there isn’t one goddamned hill.
What Was With…
Olympic athletes taking selfies during the Closing Ceremony. Dudes, there will be photographs of this.
And…
Which one of those mysterious Closing Ceremony performers in white knee socks and nurse dresses with plastic Jack Frost hat racks on their heads was Vladimir Putin?
Pope in Management Shakeup at Vatican…
But no truth to rumor that delivery of Baptism, Penance, Eucharist, Confirmation, Matrimony, Ordination, and Extreme Unction will be outsourced to Amazon.com
UN Security Council Issues Unanimous Resolution Ordering All Warring Parties in Syria to Stop Blocking Humanitarian Aid…
Or… Or… Or else.
President Obama Rejects Cyberattack on Syria…
Would mess with Assad’s head. But everybody knows where Assad has his head stuck. And you can’t blame the president for not wanting to go there.
As Opposition Leader Leopoldo Lopez Remains Jailed and Street Fighting Mounts in San Cristobal and Caracas, Secretary of State John Kerry Gets Tough…
Issues statement: “I am watching with increasing concern the situation in Venezuela.”
President Maduro is shaking now, Mr. Secretary.
President Karzai Threatens to Expel U.S. Troops From Afghanistan…
President Obama Threatens to Withdraw U.S. Troops From Afghanistan…
Can’t these guys work something out?
President Obama Plans Personal Role in Mideast Peace Process…
Maybe he’ll invite Mahmoud Abbas to join him and Benjamin Netanyahu for a beer in the Rose Garden. It worked in 2009 with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police officer Sgt. James Crowley. And at least it would show that the president doesn’t know shit about Islam, proving once and for all that Obama is not a Muslim.
Ukraine Pulls Back From the Brink of Civil War…
The country just doesn’t have enough money for one. Maybe with either a $15 billion Russian aid package or a massive infusion of funds from the IMF, Ukraine will be able to afford a civil war later.
Secretary of State John Kerry Adopting Wary Stance on Political Crisis in Ukraine…
Wants to find out if the wines of the region have body and bouquet, why it isn’t “The” Ukraine anymore, and whether the windsurfing is any good in the Black Sea.
Russia Orders Surprise Military Exercise, Scrambling Fighter Jets and Putting 150,000 Russian Troops on Alert Near Ukraine Border…
To help calm things down.
Looking Forward to Egyptian Presidency of Field Marshal Abdul-Fattah el-Sisi…
Just for the chance to say, “Fattah el-Sisi! Fattah el-Sisi! Fattah el-Sisi!” Like being in 3rd grade again.
Mexico’s Most-Wanted Drug Lord…
El Chapo, head of the Sinaloa Cartel, the largest and most powerful drug-trafficking organization in the world, was captured in Mazatlan. Story is that Mexican marines and police, cooperating with U.S. DEA, Customs, and Immigration, made the bust. Real story is that El Chapo had turned 50. AARP tracked him down.
No Hope for Ousted Ukraine President Viktor Yanukovych to Remain in Hiding…
He is, and AARP knows it, 63.
Perhaps You Noticed…
Illegal drugs have been unavailable in the U.S. since El Chapo’s arrest.
In Related News, U.S. Border Patrol Is Using Robots to Stem Drug Smuggling Through Tunnels Under U.S./Mexican Border…
Illegal drugs haven’t been completely unavailable. C-3PO texted—holding some shit that’s def chronic.
Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel Releases Pentagon Budget Proposal That Would Shrink the U.S. Army to Its Smallest Size Since 1940…
Because the world is pretty peaceful right now, like it was, you know, in 1940.
U.S. Federal Reserve Board of Governors Releases Transcripts of Policy Meetings During 2008 Financial Crisis When the Fate of the U.S. Economy Depended on Federal Reserve Policy…
Governor of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York: “Your dice, Ben.
[rattling sounds]
Chairman of the Federal Reserve: “Seven come eleven!”
[sounds of small objects thumping on felt]
Governor of the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco: “Six is the point!”
[rattling sounds]
Chairman of the Federal Reserve: “Come to Papa!”
[sounds of small objects thumping on felt]
Governor of the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago: “Six the hard way!”
Chairman of the Federal Reserve: “Quantitative Easing it is!”
In Other Economic News…
Collapse of Mt. Gox Bitcoin trading platform prompts international banking authorities to consider need for imaginary regulation of imaginary currency.
NASA Announces Discovery of 715 New Planets in the Galaxy…
Climate-change activists get busy.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Vetoes Bill Allowing Denial of Businesses Services to Gays…
After conservative Republican governor discovers they can vote.
Yet Another Obamacare Failure?…
3.5 million American children are on medication for Attention Deficit Disorder. But—dishwasher to load, homework to do, dirty clothes all over bedroom floor—try getting their attention.
Speaking of Children Paying Attention…
Federal court fight in Michigan about state’s constitutional ban on gay marriage pits sociologists against sociologists about whether children of same-sex parents fare worse than children of opposite-sex parents. Are sociologists nuts? Kids don’t pay enough attention to parents to notice whether we’re the same species, let alone the same sex. Besides, parents don’t have sex. Think about your parents. Never happened.
President Obama Proposes Change in How Funding Is Provided to Fight Forest Fires…
Haven’t looked at the plan yet but am guessing it involves insurance mandate for all trees, with premiums from younger, greener trees helping offset firefighting costs for older, more flammable trees.
Fraud Claimed in New York City’s Chinatown…
More than 30 lawyers, paralegals, and interpreters being prosecuted in case where Chinese citizens are alleged to have sought U.S. asylum by lying about being oppressed in China. Wait, they aren’t oppressed in China?
Moviefone to Go Silent…
AOL discontinuing service that allowed people to get movie listings and buy tickets with a call on a phone. My teenage daughter says, “You can call on a phone?”
After Bipartisan Meeting of National Association of Governors…
Governor of Louisiana Bobby Jindal dumps on Barack Obama right on the White House lawn. “This president… seems to be waving the white flag of surrender.” Good thing you weren’t in Naples, Bobby.
