When Pope Francis Met Donald Trump

Pope Francis met with Donald Trump at his Trump Tower apartment last night. The Daily Beast has obtained an exclusive transcript of their discussion. (Note: While this is obviously a parody, all words in italics are direct quotes.)

T: Pope Francis, come in. Meet my wife Melania, who is considered by many, including me, to be one of the most beautiful women in the world. You know, it doesn’t really matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass. Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10. By the way, I cherish women. I want to help women. I will be phenomenal to the women.

P: Nice to meet you. This apartment is quite extraordinary.

T: I show this apartment to very few people. Presidents. Kings…Some people consider it to be the greatest apartment in the world. While I can’t honestly say I need an 80-foot living room, I do get a kick out of having one. How do you like the gold furniture? Remind you of home?

P: I don’t live in the papal residence. I live in a simple apartment behind the Vatican gas station. Oh, how I would like a Church which is poor and for the poor! The emptier a person’s heart is, the more he or she needs to buy, own, and consume.

T: I’ll cut to the chase. As I’m sure you know, I am running for President of the United States. I want you on Team Trump. Trump is the hottest brand there is. It doesn’t get any hotter in the world.

P: Politics, though often denigrated, remains a lofty vocation and one of the highest forms of charity, inasmuch as it seeks the common good. Every man and woman who assumes the responsibility of governing should ask themselves two questions: Do I love my people, so that I may better serve them? And am I humble enough to hear the opinions of others so as to choose the best way of governing?

T: Well, I’m the most successful person ever to run for the presidency, by far. Nobody’s ever been more successful than me. I’m the most successful person ever to run. Ross Perot isn’t successful like me. Romney—I have a Gucci store that’s worth more than Romney.

P: But you can’t govern without loving the people and without humility!

T: The beauty of me is that I am very rich. So if I need $600 million, I can put up $600 million myself. That’s a huge advantage, I must tell you.

Always remember, I was the one who got Obama to release his birth certificate, or whatever that was! Hilary [sic] couldn’t, McCain couldn’t.

And let me tell you, I’m a really smart guy. I promise you that I’m much smarter than Jonathan Leibowitz—I mean Jon Stewart. Who, by the way, is totally overrated.

P: Why do you seek to govern?

T: This country is a hell hole! President Obama has been a disaster for America. He’s wrecked our economy, saddled our children with more debt than America managed to rack up in 225 years, and gone around the world apologizing for our country—as if the greatest nation in the world needs to apologize for being a land of opportunity and freedom, which we were before Obama became president. There’s something seriously wrong with his mental health… Psycho!

P: I see. But isn’t the U.S. economy performing relatively well?

T: According to economists, who I’m not a big believer in.

P: And your fellow citizens have selected President Obama to be their leader twice, no?

T: The election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy! The phony electoral college made a laughing stock out of our nation. The loser one! [sic] He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country!

P: The true revolution is that of compassion and tenderness. I beg the Lord to grant us more politicians who are genuinely disturbed by the state of society, the people, the lives of the poor! It is vital that government leaders and financial leaders take heed and broaden their horizons, working to ensure that all citizens have dignified work, education, and healthcare.

T: I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created! End Common Core! Common Core is a disaster! Obamacare is a disaster! Repeal and replace with something terrific.

P: Education, work, and access to health care for all are key elements for development and the just distribution of goods, for the attainment of social justice, for membership in society, and for free and responsible participation in political life.

T: All that social justice stuff is ruining your brand among conservatives. My friend Rush Limbaugh has called you a Marxist. Sarah Palin has said that you “seem kinda liberal.”

P: Who are these people?

T: Rush Limbaugh has revolutionized talk radio! Sorry haters and losers! Sarah Palin, she is really somebody who knows what’s happening. She’s a special person.

P: What I’ve said is money must serve, not rule! The Pope loves everyone, rich and poor alike, but he is obliged in the name of Christ to remind all that the rich must, help, respect, and promote the poor. It is strange, but if I speak about this some say the Pope is a Communist. They do not understand that love of the poor is at the heart of the Gospel.

T: You are always talking about the poor, what about the middle class, people who work, people who pay their taxes?

P: You are right. It’s an error of mine not to think about this. I will make some comment, but not to justify myself…The world is polarized. The middle class becomes smaller. The polarization between the rich and the poor is big…And why do I speak of the poor? Because they’re at the heart of the Gospel…But, I think you’re telling me about something I need to do. I need to do delve further into this magisterium. I thank you for your help.

T: The new Pope is a humble man, very much like me, which probably explains why I like him so much

!P: If indeed, the just ordering of society and of the state is a central responsibility of politics, the Church cannot remain on the sidelines in the fight for justice. The growth of inequality and poverty undermines the inclusive and participatory democracy at risk which always presupposes an economy and an equitable and nonexclusive market. It is a question, therefore, of overcoming the structural causes of inequality and poverty.

Inequality is the root of social evil. How can it be that some homeless people should freeze to death on the street—this doesn’t make news? On the contrary, when the stock market drops ten points in some cities, it constitutes a tragedy. How I wish everyone had decent work. It is essential for human dignity.

T: I’ll bring the jobs back. I’d call the head of Ford…I’d say, “I understand you’re building a massive plant, in Mexico…I just don’t like it…And if you do it, you’re not going to have any cars coming across the border unless you pay a 35% tax.” And [he] is going to say…“please, please, please.” Let’s say I make this call at 9:00 in the morning, by 5:00 in the afternoon, I think the deal is done…I’d say “Just do what I say.”

I would tell China that you are either going to shape up or I am going to tax you 25% for all the products you send into this country.

We have nobody in Washington that sits back and said, you’re not going to raise that fucking price!

P: I’ve brought for you a copy of my recent encyclical on the environment, Laudato Si. A very solid scientific consensus indicates that we are presently witnessing a disturbing warming of the climatic system…As stewards of God’s creation, we are called to make the earth a beautiful garden for the human family.

T: Global warming is a total, and very expensive, hoax! The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.

I’ve got a book for you, The Art of the Deal. Don’t let the brevity of these passages prevent you from savoring the profundity of the advice you are about to receive. It’s my second favorite book of all time. Do you know what my first is? The Bible! Nothing beats the Bible.

P: How is your faith?

T: When we go in church I drink my little wine…I eat my little cracker.

P: Jesus is God-with-us. Do you believe this?

T: I like people that weren’t captured, OK? I hate to tell you.

P: Do you ever ask God for forgiveness?

T: I try to lead a life where I don’t have to ask God for forgiveness…Why do I have to repent? Why do I have to ask for forgiveness if you’re not making mistakes?

P: I am a sinner…I often contemplate the painting of ‘The Calling of St. Matthew’ by Caravaggio. That finger of Jesus, pointing at Matthew…It is the gesture of Matthew that strikes me: he holds on to his money as if to say, “No, not me! No, this money is mine.” Here, this is me, a sinner on whom the Lord has turned his gaze. And this is what I said when they asked me if I would accept my election as pontiff: I am a sinner, but I trust in the infinite mercy and patience of our Lord Jesus Christ, and I accept in a spirit of penance.

T: For many years I’ve said that if someone screws you, screw them back…When somebody hurts you, just go after them as viciously and as violently as you can. Like it says in the Bible, an eye for an eye.

P: If we live according to the law “an eye for an eye…,” we will never escape from the spiral of evil. With great distress and anxiety I continue to follow the situation in Syria. The Middle East is tragically embroiled in conflicts which have lasted far too long, with chilling repercussions, due also to the spread of fundamentalist terrorism in Syria and in Iraq. What can we do to make peace in the world?

T: I would take the oil.

P: Excuse me?

T: You heard me, I would take the oil. Call me old school, but I believe in the old warrior’s credo that “to the victor go the spoils.” We go in, we knock the hell out of ‘em, we take the oil. Or maybe you let them fight for a while and take out the one that remains.

P: I pray for peace in Ukraine…

T: Putin has big plans for Russia…Hats off to the Russians. I think I would just get along very well with Vladimir Putin.

P: How much suffering, how much devastation, how much pain has the use of arms carried in its wake…War never again! Never again war!

T: I’ve never had to do that. Heel spurs. On both feet. But I’ve always felt that I was in the military. I probably had more training military than a lot of the guys that go into the military.

P: Every conflict is emblematic of the throwaway culture…Yet that culture is also fueled by more subtle and insidious forms of rejection. I think…of the way the sick are treated;…like the lepers in the Gospel. Among the lepers of our own day we can count the victims of the new and terrible outbreak of Ebola…I praise and thank those healthcare workers who, alongside men and women religious and volunteers, are caring in every way possible for the sick and their families.

T: The U.S. cannot allow EBOLA infected people back. People that go to far away [sic] places to help out are great—but must suffer the consequences!

P: Each one of us is called to be an artisan of peace, by uniting and not dividing, by extinguishing hatred and not holding on to it, by opening paths to dialogue and not by constructing new walls!

T: Speaking of walls, I’ll build a great, great wall on our southern border and I will have Mexico pay for that wall.

P: While it is true that migrations often reveal failures and shortcomings on the part of…the international community, they also point to the aspiration of humanity to enjoy a unity marked by respect for differences, by attitudes of acceptance and hospitality which enable an equitable sharing of the world’s goods, and by the protection and the advancement of the dignity and centrality of each human being.

T: Half of them are criminals! When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems…They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

P: Many people who are forced into emigration suffer and often die tragically; many of their rights are violated, they are obliged to separate from their families and, unfortunately, continue to be subjected to racist attitudes and xenophobia. I read that two of your supporters beat a homeless immigrant nearly to death in Boston.

T: I will say that people who are following me are very passionate. They love this country and they want this country to be great again. They are passionate.

P: We must overcome…all forms of racism. The problem of intolerance should be dealt with as a whole: every time a minority is persecuted and marginalized…the good of the whole society is in danger.

T: I would love to be a well-educated black, because I believe they do have an actual advantage. Sadly, because President Obama has done such a poor job as President, you won’t see another black president for generations! I think he has set a very low bar and I think it’s a shame for the African-American people. Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore! I have a great relationship with the blacks, by the way.

P: I am sorry, but I must be leaving now. Let us pray for our leaders that they govern well. That they bring our homeland, our nations, our world forward, to achieve peace and the common good.

T: Want a ride in my limo?

P: It grieves me when I see a priest or a nun with the latest model car…A car is necessary to do a lot of work, but please choose a more humble one. If you like the fancy one, just think about how many children are dying of hunger in the world.

T: Whatever. So, can I count on your support?

P: The Pope does not offer political endorsements. I am sure there are many qualified candidates. Who am I to judge?

T: Who? Hillary? If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America? Jeb? Jeb Bush has to like the Mexican illegals because of his wife! Carly Fiorina? Look at that face!

P: It’s terrible to see an insult or taunt issue from the mouth of a Christian. It is ugly. Do you understand? Do not insult! To insult is not Christian. Understood?

T: Loser!

P: Deus adiuva nos. (God help us.)

T: You should really set the example by speaking English while in the United States.