The Surrealist Democratic Debate Scorecard

Hillary Clinton

She might dress like a doormat, but don’t treat her like one: feisty and in control, her big “oops” moment occurred getting back late from a bathroom break (the line for the ladies is always longer, amiright?). And that’s still better than an “oops” movement before the bathroom break. Sure, she wants to be loved by Wall Street and by middle class alike but at this point she is positioning herself to run against Trump (or, as she said, “Trump” and “Trump” and did she mention “Trump”?) and not Sanders or, yeah, that other guy. Biggest lie of the night was a promise to “still pick out the flowers and china” once at the White House, because the only china patterns girlfriend picks out are from encrypted messages picked up by the NSA. Managed the only “Star Wars” reference of the night; her midi-chlorian count is climbing.

Style: A

Substance: B+

Overall: An itchy sweater you paid too much for not to wear.

Martin O’Malley

Continues to run away from his initial campaign slogan, Always Be Shirtless. Was unprepared for the non-bickering format, but mostly held his own in the one-man undercard debate he had with the moderators. Has exactly one mode of address: PASSIONATE SINCERITY. He reads menus that way. (“I will have… THE CHICKEN TENDERS.”) Took every opportunity he could to remind people that Sanders and Clinton are old. Like, really old. So old they might the ones that got his reference to “the Cold War.” If he blinks, the illusion that he has a chance to win might end, so he didn’t risk it. A stuck-up, scruffy-looking nerfherder. [this is a Star Wars ref]

Style: C+

Substance: C+

Overall: A flickering exit sign.

Bernie Sanders

Still gutsy, still sincere, still prompting me to wonder what his reaction to the “3AM phone call” might be: “WHAT? You’re where? You want what? Whoa, whoa, whoa.” He’s a shouty apologizer and not ashamed to embrace gun rights. Took a question about racial profiling into an income inequality monologue and I wasn’t even mad. I was impressed. At one point thundered, “My name was invoked!” which is as close as most of us will come to hearing the God of the Old Testament watching TV on a Saturday night. Loves being hated by Wall Street, single-payer health insurance and pointing upwards. But who’s the more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him? [Star Wars ref]

Style: B+

Substance: A-

Overall: All-day breakfast.