Trump’s said that, win or lose, “you’ll be writing books about this campaign.” True. And one of those books will inevitably get the movie treatment. Here’s who should play who in the Trump movie, from the Donald to his ‘80s teen movie villain sons.
Photo Illustration by The Daily Beast
There are so many ways to go with this one. It’s a role that will, of course, require heavy prosthetics—wig, orange glow, probable weight gain—so really, anyone could play it. Alec Baldwin’s 30 Rock character had that Trumpian je ne sais quoi and Bryan Cranston dropped a pretty damn good Trump impression on morning television, but I’m going to go with character actor Gregg Henry for this one. He’s got the look and has a tried and true track record of playing smarmy rich assholes on film and television—including Hollis Doyle, a clear Trump surrogate, on ABC’s Scandal. This could be that role that does wonders for the journeyman’s career.
Reuters/Getty
There are a bevy of Eastern Bloc actresses who could potentially take on the role of Trump’s wife—and potential FLOTUS—Melania Trump (nee Knauss), from Vera Farmiga to Milla Jovovich. But my goodness, Laura Benanti’s Melania impersonation on Stephen Colbert’s The Late Show sealed it. This is the role the Broadway star was born to play.
via Reuters/CBS
Trump’s No. 1 kid—and most trusted advisor—is a sharp, tough entrepreneur who in many ways acts as her father’s conscience (perhaps the only person who can truly get through to him). Aside from the physical resemblance, Heigl’s already navigated a pas de deux with a creepy Trump look-alike dad (Gerard Depardieu) in the regrettable film My Father the Hero, and would knock this role out of the park.
Reuters
Like Kushner, Groban has Jewish roots, a lanky frame, and a laid-back persona (with considerably better pipes). And he’s shown promise as an actor playing kind-to-a-fault pushover boyfriends in films like Crazy, Stupid, Love. and this week’s The Hollars. For Ivanka’s hubby—and Trump’s speechwriter/consigliere—who’s put it all on the line for his wife, Groban is our guy.
Donald Trump Jr., the big-game hunter with slicked-back hair—and a tan and backwards views on women that rival dad—is the consummate douchebag. And who better to play that than Will Arnett, who’s mastered onscreen entitlement (Arrested Development) and douchebaggery (30 Rock) with aplomb? Nobody.
Reuters/Getty
An archetypal ‘80s villain. This is the role that William Zabka—you know, the bad guy from The Karate Kid—was born to play, but sadly he’s aged out of it. Some on the internet have pointed out that Eric Trump closely resembles Odo from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, and hell yes he does, but we’re going to go with Swedish actor Martin Wallstrom here, who is brilliant as the sociopathic white collar villain Tyrell Wellick on Mr. Robot. He’s got the right creepy-corporate, dead-behind-the-eyes look.
Getty/USA
Tiffany Trump, the Donald’s daughter with wife No. 2 Marla Maples, won’t be playing a very big role in this film. After all, she reportedly only saw her father two weeks a year during her formative years—and at Mar-a-Lago, no less, according to the New York Post. But wow, Tiffany is separated at birth from the druggy columnist Cat Marnell.
Reuters/Facebook
Mike Pence is a total stiff. Robert John Burke is great at playing total stiffs on things like Law & Order: SVU and Gossip Girl. So, physical resemblance aside, he’d be perfect for the role of Donald Trump’s running mate/wildly homophobic Governor of Indiana. Just give him a few hours in the tanning bed.
A loudmouth, handsy asshole who acts creepy around women? Jersey Shore star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino would nail the role of Trump’s former campaign manager turned extraordinarily compromised CNN analyst. Plus, the resemblance is uncanny.
Reuters/Getty
The role of 9/11 truther turned Trump spokeswoman Katrina Pierson is a tough one. You need someone who can play a person with a very, very tenuous grasp on reality. Enter Essence Atkins, who not only resembles Pierson physically, but is also great at playing wacky—as evidenced by her performance in the criminally underrated stoner flick How High.
Facebook/Getty
Since Luca Brasi is sleeping with the fishes, who better to play Donald Trump’s former campaign manager—until he was fired due to his sketchy financial ties to a pro-Putin Ukrainian movement—than the actor who perfected smarm as the dickhead golfer Shooter McGavin in Happy Gilmore? Christopher McDonald would look dynamite in those pinstripe suits.
Reuters/Getty
Trump’s press secretary, 27-year-old Hope Hicks, has perhaps the toughest job in America right now: constantly putting out the fires started by her loose cannon of a boss. Not only is Emma Stone the same age as Hicks and bears similar striking blue eyes, but she’s also got the wherewithal to put up with a bloated loudmouth dick’s shenanigans (see: Jonah Hill in Superbad).
Getty/Reuters
Yes, the talented Elizabeth Banks has already played former First Lady Laura Bush in W, but she’s also done some spirited onscreen moderating in the past (see: the Pitch Perfect films), and has the toughness and resolve to grill a guy like Donald Trump about his piggish, sexist past.
Reuters
He’s already convincingly played an attorney, the late Robert Kardashian, in FX’s The People v. O.J. Simpson, so who better to play Trump’s dopey attorney than Ross from Friends? Imagine Schwimmer saying “Says who?” repeatedly to a CNN anchor. A boy can dream.
On The Sopranos, Schirripa portrayed Bobby Bacala—an obese, kindhearted errand boy to Tony and Uncle Junior. So basically Chris Christie’s role in the Trump campaign. According to a piece by Ryan Lizza in The New Yorker, Christie has been acting as a “manservant” to candidate Trump, even allegedly going so far as “fetching Trump’s McDonald’s order.” Does that sound like Bobby Bacala or what?
Reuters
Let’s face it: Ben Carson is going to need work once Trump loses in the general election. So, since the former surgeon already has a bit of acting experience—seriously, watch his cameo in the Matt Damon stinker Stuck On You—why not hire him to play himself? All he’d have to do is mumble and look so not into it anyway.
Robert Redford is one of the most handsome actors in the history of Hollywood, so he’s going to have to go on a serious De Niro-in-Raging Bull food binge to play former Breitbart News honcho turned Trump campaign CEO Steve Bannon. They’re both directors, too. But while Redford’s helmed impressive dramas like Ordinary People and Quiz Show, Bannon has been the brains behind a bunch of aggressively shitty right-wing propaganda films. Sad!
Getty
I mean, look at the resemblance. Come on.
Reuters/Getty
It’s too bad Alfred Hitchcock is dead, because his bloated, women-terrorizing ass would’ve made for a perfect Roger Ailes—the accused serial sexual harasser/lardass who was fired from his perch as Fox News honcho and has allegedly been moonlighting as a consultant to candidate Trump. So what the hell, George Wendt sorta looks like him. Why not.
Reuters/Gettty
John Slattery is a lot—I mean a lot—sexier than wackjob (and former Trump consultant) Roger Stone. But he’s also terribly good at playing a delusional prick who makes women’s lives a living hell (see: Mad Men, anything Roger Stone’s ever said/written about Hillary Clinton).
via Getty/Reuters
Alex Jones, the total nutter behind the conspiracy theory website Infowars—which apparently acts as a valuable resource for candidate Trump—is a boisterous caricature known for yelling about false flag operations and occasionally ripping his shirt off on live TV. So the MADtv veteran, who not only does a great Chris Farley impersonation but also played Curly in the Three Stooges movie, fits the bill.
