Comedian Chelsea Handler has made it clear in the past that if she had been in Ivanka Trump’s shoes, she would have done whatever it took to prevent her own father from running for president. “As a woman, I would never let my father run for president, knowing what I know about my father,” she told Conan O’Brien earlier this year. “But my father’s not even half as bad as Donald Trump.”
With Father’s Day around the corner, Handler decided to use a segment of her Netflix show this week to offer up some more advice to President Trump’s favorite first daughter and official White House “assistant.”
“Ivanka was sold to us as the progressive voice of reason who would be able to moderate Trump’s crazy impulses,” Handler said. “But whenever he does anything reprehensible, she skips town,” she added, listing the various ski trips that have taken her out of Washington at inopportune times. “Ivanka was supposed to be our Wonder Woman, but now we’re just wondering where the fuck that woman is.”
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Handler volunteered herself to be “the woman behind the woman on the man’s lap” for Ivanka Trump. “Listen up, bitch,” she said. “I know you’re approaching this in the traditional way that daughters typically show fathers how much they care… by whining about the vicious media on Fox & Friends.”
“But your father isn’t normal. And I know this because my father isn’t normal either,” Handler continued. “He’s also a crazy, narcissistic bullshit artist, who just like your father probably has syphilis.” Like Trump, she described her own father as a “horny geriatric with no moral compass who imported a hot immigrant wife,” asking, “Sound familiar, Ivanka?”
“But the one thing my father is not is the president of the United States,” Handler said. “He doesn’t have the power to pull out of the Paris accord, he barely has the power to pull out of his Jamaican night nurse.”
The host then offered Ivanka Trump a simple, two-step procedure that will “instantly fix your dementia-ridden, fat father problems.” Step one? “Put him in a nursing home.” Step two? “Walk away.”
“Your dad already wanders around the house at night in his bathrobe, eating chocolate cake and muttering about the news,” she said. “You can line his bedpan with the Constitution so he can keep on shitting on it.”
If that doesn’t work, Handler told Ivanka, “You need to get off his lap, slip on your discontinued heels and stand up for something that you believe in! If you’re going to allow people to call you the Trump Whisperer, then you need to whisper a little fucking louder!”
