On the HBO series Hung, which returns for its third season on Sunday, Thomas Jane plays Ray Drecker, a broke history teacher and high school baseball coach in Detroit who embraces his natural “gift”: An extremely large penis. Ray becomes a gigolo and, in the third season, sees his business take a dip when a younger, equally well-endowed male prostitute, Jason (Stephen Amell), starts poaching his clients. But who are the most well-endowed characters in film and television? From Ashton Kutcher’s billionaire Walden Schmidt on Two and a Half Men to Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights, see the most well-hung characters. By Marlow Stern
(clockwise) HBO ; CBS ; Everett Collection
A divorced father of two, Ray Drecker (Thomas Jane) works as a history teacher and baseball coach at a Detroit high school. When a fire destroys his home, the cash-strapped dad decides to embrace the one thing he’s always had going for him: a huge penis. Ray decides to become a male prostitute, servicing the women of Detroit, and enlists his neurotic friend, Tanya (Jane Adams), to be his pimp. He soon becomes a big hit among his middle-aged clientele who aren’t used to such a well-endowed guy. In the third season of the Golden Globe-nominated series, however, Ray sees many of his clients jump ship to retain the services of a younger, and just as “gifted” prostitute, Jason (Stephen Amell). Will Ray emerge victorious?
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He may be rumored to be newly single in real life, but on the hit CBS comedy Two and a Half Men, Ashton Kutcher plays sadsack Walden Schmidt, a suicidal Internet billionaire who purchases Charlie’s pad and shacks up with Alan (Jon Cryer) and Jake Harper (Angus T. Jones). Schmidt has a bizarre tendency to strut around the house naked in front of everyone—even going so far as to hug complete strangers, while naked. Alan soon becomes fixated on Schmidt’s sizeable manhood saying he’s “hung like an elephant” and admits that he can’t stop thinking about it. Wonder if that little tidbit was in Kutcher’s $20 million contract?
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A new theme on TV seems to be actors playing outrageous caricatures of themselves. It started with Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men—although that was a pretty tame version compared to the real deal—and former Dawson’s Creek teen idol James Van Der Beek will portray an exaggerated version of himself on the upcoming TV series Apartment 23, which also boasts numerous jokes about how well-endowed he is. On the Showtime series Episodes, Matt LeBlanc plays a douchebag version of himself starring in a remake of a successful British sitcom. When the show’s head writer, Sean Lincoln (Stephen Mangan), catches a glimpse of LeBlanc’s member, he remarks, “It’s enormous, like a sea creature… like something out of Jules Verne.” How you doin’?
With all apologies to Ewan McGregor, one of the most famous (prosthetic) penises to ever grace the screen belongs to Dirk Diggler, the dishwasher-cum-porn star played by Mark Wahlberg in Paul Thomas Anderson’s 1997 film Boogie Nights. Diggler soon rises to become the biggest name in porn thanks to his extraordinarily large penis. The epic reveal of his manhood comes when Diggler is checking himself out in a mirror toward the end of the film in one of the most prolific onscreen dude-ity scenes ever. Coincidentally, the film also starred Hung’s Thomas Jane in a supporting role.
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When a man is too well-endowed for Samantha Jones, the man-eating “try-sexual” played by Kim Cattrall in the hit HBO series Sex and the City, you know it’s big. In episode 18 of the show’s second season, titled “Ex and the City,” Samantha bites off a lot more than she can chew with a hunky guy (played by John Enos III) she picks up. He boasts a record-sized penis, making sex incredibly uncomfortable for the pair—so uncomfortable, in fact, that Samantha is forced to part ways with him. She calls him “Mr. Cocky,” and later gives him the nickname, “Mr. Too Big.”
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In Mel Brooks’ 1974 satirical comedy-western classic, Bart (Cleavon Little), a black railroad worker, is selected as the town sheriff in a scheme by a conniving politician to drive the townspeople out in order to purchase the land and build a railroad. At one point, German sexpot Lili von Shtupp (Madeline Kahn) is hired to seduce Bart. In one of the film’s most memorable scenes, she asks him, “Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted?” She unzips him, and exclaims, “Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!”
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Although it was recently canceled by MTV, The Hard Times of RJ Berger centered on RJ Berger (Paul Iacono), a nerdy sophomore at an Ohio high school. Berger is a social outcast and a virgin, but happens to be blessed with an extraordinarily large penis. When Berger is inserted into a high school basketball game—given shorts that are far too large for him—they come off, revealing his huge manhood to the entire school, resulting in some fleeting notoriety for the nerd. He also claims that his gift is in fact a curse, telling a story where a Japanese student he was tutoring tried to perform oral sex on him and nearly choked to death. Yikes.
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Although it’s not revealed until one of the film’s final scenes, the nerdy, bespectacled Klitz, played by Paul Dano, is packing some serious heat. He’s one in a trio of high school outcasts—including Matthew Kidman (Emile Hirsch) and Eli Brooks (Chris Marquette)—who eventually capitalize on their neighbor’s (Elisha Cuthbert) porn star past by shooting a contemporary sex education video with porn stars and real-life high school students. When the school jock gets stage fright, Klitz steps in. Later, when Klitz is watching the now-hit video with his college classmates, they all gasp in amazement at the size of his member.
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In this atrocious 2002 comedy, the third film in Mike Myers’ Austin Powers spy comedy series, it’s revealed that the titular nemesis’s miniature henchman, Mini-Me (Verne Troyer), may be the one with the real workin’ mojo. When Powers’s father, Nigel Powers, played by Michael Caine, catches a glimpse of Mini-Me’s package, he remarks, “My word! You’re a tripod!” adding, “If you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!” At the end of the film, he uses his mojo, and rumored giant penis, to snag pop star Britney Spears’s phone number.
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Named after the Manhattan Project, Dr. Jonathan Osterman is transformed into a blue, God-like creature after he’s accidentally disintegrated in an “Intrinsic Field Subtractor.” He’s soon hired by the U.S. government to help the U.S. against the Soviets during the Cold War, and also helps intervene in the Vietnam War, resulting in a victory for the U.S. But what Dr. Manhattan is most known for in Zack Snyder’s 2009 film adaptation of the acclaimed graphic novel, Watchmen, is his massive blue penis. Yes, Dr. Manhattan (played by Billy Crudup), spends nearly the entire film walking around naked, flaunting his massive, glowing member.
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In this 2003 Adam Sandler-Jack Nicholson comedy, which will soon be spun into a TV series starring Charlie Sheen, Sandler plays an emotionally repressed guy who’s taken advantage of by nearly everyone in his life. He runs into an anger management therapist, played by Jack Nicholson, who helps him get over his emotional issues. Sandler’s character is incredibly jealous of Andrew (Allen Covert), the former ex-boyfriend and best friend of his love, Linda (Marisa Tomei). His paranoia is exacerbated when, while standing in adjacent urinals with Andrew, he catches a glimpse of Andrew’s gargantuan package. As his eyes look up, they meet with Andrew’s, who utters, “Oh yeah.”
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Based on the real-life Wonderland Murders that happened in 1981, this 2003 film features Val Kilmer as the extremely well-endowed porn star John Holmes, who was a suspected accomplice in the killings. The plight of Holmes served as the inspiration for Boogie Nights, with Wahlberg playing the Holmes character. While the movie Wonderland doesn’t trace Holmes’s porn years—instead focusing on his washed-up years as a cokehead—or show his memorable foot-long package like Boogie Nights, there are numerous allusions to his legendary member. At one point, a gangster goes so far as to describe Holmes as, “A mile of dick and no balls.”
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