Ever since reports surfaced that DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen was canned by President Trump, there’s been a spate of reputation-smoothing articles (probable source: Nielsen’s camp) alleging that the woman who presided over the separation of families and caging of children at the border was canned because she’d prevented the president and his xenophobic consigliere, Stephen Miller, from instituting even harsher immigration policies.
Stephen Colbert, like many who’ve actually listened to Nielsen over the course of her tenure, wasn’t buying the lame stab at image rehab. “Last night, Nielsen resigned as Trump’s Homeland Security Secretary,” the Late Show host announced to loud cheers from his New York audience. “I believe she’s leaving to spend more time separating her family.”
“Now, even though Nielsen officially wasn’t ‘fired,’ reportedly she ‘did not resign willingly.’ Not fired, but not… that sounds like splitting hairs. No, Sarah did not dump me, she begged me to dump her!’” joked Colbert. “Nielsen’s departure is not a total shock. Reportedly for weeks, Nielsen has felt ‘in limbo’—‘limbo’ is the right word here, because we’ve all been watching just how low she can go.”
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The late-night comedian then went over news reports claiming that Trump told aides he wanted to fire Nielsen last fall because she wasn’t tough enough on “the caravan.”
“Sure, she puts kids in cages, but Trump was upset because Nielsen hasn’t enacted stricter immigration rules,” Colbert explained. “So, he just needs someone who can be crueler to children then Kirstjen Nielsen. Get ready for Secretary of Homeland Security Pennywise—and of course, she will be taking his place”—he added, before throwing to an image of Nielsen beckoning children from the sewer.
If that weren’t enough, Colbert aired a parody commercial for Hallmark’s new “Kirstjen Nielsen Farewell Card Collectjion” where you can look “for the perfect way to say goodbye to Kirstjen Nielsen” with greeting cards that read, “I’m Not Crying Because You’re Leaving… I’m Crying Because You Shot Tear Gas At Me As I Was Seeking Asylum” and “Don’t Think Of This As ‘Goodbye,’ Think Of It As See You Later… At The War Crimes Tribunal.”
