It’s April 20! If you don’t know what that’s all about, stop reading right here. Heck, why did you even click on this? Assuming you do, you know that when celebrating the smoker’s holiday one crucial ingredient is food. The munchies are a natural side effect of smoking marijuana, caused by THC’s heightening of our sense of smell and increasing dopamine production. Since smell and taste are so related, this makes stuff taste way better, and the extra dopamine makes the buzz of glee we get when we stuff our faces into a roar of pleasure. Even if you’re the “get outside and be active and freak out over nature’s fractal patterns” type of stoner, sooner or later you’re gonna want to eat.
After a great deal of research–consulting with experts, and drawing upon the collective subconscious—we’ve compiled this relatively authoritative, definitively incomplete guide to the best food to quell the munchies. In the spirit of nutrition, we’ve also unscientifically ranked them from healthiest to least. My advice? Start at the top, work your way down. Worry about your health and dignity tomorrow, and drown any concerns today in a cloud of smoke, gluttony, and heady jams.
FRESH FRUIT
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Told you we’d start healthy. Who can resist the snappy tartness of a fresh blackberry popping in your mouth, or the sheer joy of a sweet strawberry? It’s pure and natural bliss, with the bonus of it being spring, so loads of great stuff is coming in to season. Crush any chance of contracting scurvy with a juicy orange, or, if you really need to go for the salty/sweet/multi-texture madness, honeycrisp apple slices dipped in peanut butter should do the trick.
Pro tip: If you run out of rolling papers, you can carve the apple into a pipe.
ACAÍ YOGURT & GRANOLA BOWL
Remember a couple years ago when Acaí berries were the superfood du jour? Things have since calmed down a bit for this unassuming Amazonian fruit, but they’re still delicious and full of good vibes. Mixed in with a creamy swirl of your favorite yogurt and topped with a fistful of hemp granola, it’s a texture-laden treat that bridges the gap between snack and meal.
Pro tip: Add mangoes, too. Legend, and some science, has it that the sweet flesh of a mango can increase the duration and potency of your THC high.
GOO BALLS
Goo balls are a stoner classic. Sure, they aren't always pretty to look at, but they're simple to make. Consisting at the basic level of just oats, peanut butter, honey, and chocolate chips or raisins, they’re delicious, sweet, salty, and also full of protein to keep your stamina up as you power through a hazy day. They’re also easy to jazz up a little, too, by simply adding extra ingredients as you mood dictates. Nuts, dried fruit, cereal like Cap’n Crunch or Cinnamon Toast Crunch or marshmallows are all popular choices. If you’re looking to up the energy ante, toss some bee pollen or powdered yerba maté green tea in there as well.
Pro tip: On some occasions goo balls may have psychoactive ingredients mixed right in, so be careful if you’re getting them from a friend.
RICE CRISPY TREATS
An old standby, Rice Crispy treats are another delicious, easy-to-make stoner food that can has traditionally been transformed into a THC-laced edible. Buttery, a little salty, sweet, and relatively low calorie, they’re also a win for smokers looking to maintain a shapely figure while still enjoying the finer things in life. If you want to add a little pizzazz the options are endless, from Fruity Pebbles to cinnamon and chocolate chips to peanut butter. Best when made at home, you’re left with a sticky mess in the bowl and on the spatula to nibble at, too.
Pro tip: Increase the marshmallows added by half and butter by a quarter for an extra creamy consistency and rich flavor.
BURRITO
Who doesn’t love a burrito? It’s one of nature’s perfect foods—minimal waste, maximum deliciousness, endless customization. There’s no judgment here. You want breakfast? Throw some eggs and hash browns in. Vegetarian? No problem, add roasted veggies. California or traditional Mexican style, wet or dry, whole wheat or flour, it’s your call. The only problem can be dealing with all those potential realities when you’re on the spot high AF and there’s a line snaking out the door behind you. Just remember, guac is extra. But it’s probably gonna make it too soggy anyway.
Pro tip: If you’re extra hungry but on a budget, go to Chipotle and ask for half and half on the rice, beans, and meat. You’ll generally wind up with almost twice as much.
SPAGHETTI & MEATBALLS
There’s almost nothing as comforting, or gut busting, as sitting down to a heaping plate of tender spaghetti doused in meaty, tangy red sauce and cradling a heavy orbit of chunky meatballs. Add some garlic bread in there and I don’t care if you’re stoned or not, that’s just about as put-it-all-in-my-face-right-now as you can get. For you veggie types, you can always swap in eggplant or whatever, but as human achievements go spaghetti and meatballs is near the top of the list. Sure, you’re gonna need a digestion nap afterward to process the resulting food baby, but with all those carbs you just loaded you can run a marathon the next day.
Pro tip: Spaghetti and meatballs are perfect. There’s no need to do anything to make them any better.
PIZZA
Near the same place on the comfort food pedestal of perfection as spaghetti, pizza is another legend that you don’t need to be bombed to thoroughly enjoy. There is, however, something magical that occurs when you add some THC to your taste buds and bite into a gooey, cheese-and-sauce-dripping slab of pie. With unending options bolstered by the ability to split toppings into different sections for multiple flavor experiences, plus the added awesomeness of having it delivered right to your door while you smoke yourself cross-eyed make pizza pretty much the end all be all of munchie foods.
Pro tip: While I’m a cold pizza lover, if you need to reheat, put a small cup of water in the microwave with it to keep the crust from turning into cardboard.
Cheeseburger
You do love America, right? Well, then you love the cheeseburger! OK, that’s a little over the top. But still, there are few foods that Americans self-identify with better than the cheeseburger, and that’s because they’re fucking delicious. Whether you’re into the high-brow Kobe beef, pancetta, and lobster tail wallet buster, the low-brow spicy chili and nacho cheese backdoor destroyer, or the no-brow Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, at every level they’re gonna make your mouth water at least a little bit. Add some crispy fries, and, well… Mmmmm. BRB, heading out for lunch.
ICE CREAM
First of all, you need some dessert to go with all these foods. Second of all, if you’re baked and it’s hot out, there’s nothing better than a rich, cold, refreshing spoonful of ice cream to send your brain straight into happy land. Even if temperatures aren’t exactly balmy, you can cop a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and snuggle up on the couch. Hell, just turn the heat up and heated seats on, blast some Bob Marley, and pretend you’re in Jamaica. There’s really no bad time. For added pleasure, eat with warm brownies or cookies. Obviously.
Pro tip: Place containers of extra ice cream in a plastic bag before putting in the freezer to keep them from getting too hard or freezer burned.
NACHOS
Sizzling meat, melted cheese, crispy, salty chips, sour cream, black olives, guacamole… Nachos are perfect for sharing and even when they cool off and get kinda soggy they retain a congealed magic and salty goodness that makes them impossible to resist. Easy to make at home and just as good at a restaurant, they’re one of the few safe-to-order items no matter where you go, ’cause they’re almost impossible to screw up.
What, none of this is crazy enough? You wanna really get buck wild? Check out our list of the craziest baseball food, but maybe call your cardiologist first.
