Oscar Wilde famously said, “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” It’s a wonderfully worded quote but a bit mistaken about sex, power, and the rest. In Wilde’s Victorian England, power was obvious and everywhere; sex was repressed. The world we live in today is far more suffused in sex, but a bit less comfortable with the omnipresence of power (which is why addressing privilege and oppression is commonly met with such reactionary vitriol and/or tear gas).
“But why are you talking about politics, professional dominatrix?” you might ask. Some people want to cordon off the sexual world, and pretend that it doesn’t interact with the broader world we all live in, but in my work as a pro-domme I’ve often gotten to see the intricate ways that peoples’ sexual fantasies reflect and respond to the stressors and freedoms they experience in their outside life. When Donald Trump won the 2016 election, I saw a surge in female, racial, and religious minorities who contacted me; people who, because of external events, were required to be unyielding and resolute in their day-to-day struggles, seeking heavy play that helped them break down within the context of a safe and trusting environment. I’ve seen a similar response during COVID-19, and wanted to deconstruct it a bit.
It may seem counterintuitive to think that when times are tough someone might want to add to that pain by seeking out things like discipline, humiliation, pain, or physical confinement. After all, isn’t it tricky enough just to make sure you’re wearing pants on your Zoom meeting? And yet many do find themselves craving BDSM when they feel especially vulnerable, particularly those with a submissive bent. Of course this is not the only reason people seek out BDSM. Like music, comedy, or any form of expression, it can serve a specific purpose or it can simply be sexy and fun—a lust for adventure and curiosity for new things, the excitement of breaking social taboos. But when people are feeling vulnerable, helpless and anxious, there can be a particularly strong urge to be dominated. Why is that?
From a neurobiological perspective, BDSM can provide cathartic release “characterized by activation of the sympathetic nervous system, the release of epinephrine and endorphins, and a subsequent period of non-verbal, deep relaxation.” That is to say, by engaging in psychological domination (humiliation, manipulation, control), physical domination (pain, restraint, endurance) or some combination of the two, your brain releases chemicals that create a relaxing effect for your body and mind. Even those who have never considered exploring BDSM have certainly experienced the same principals by engaging in conventionally acceptable masochistic acts. For instance, watching The Notebook or listening to a sad Taylor Swift song after a breakup can somehow make you feel a little better afterwards. Likewise, people enjoy dolloping habanero hot sauce all over their food to make their lips burn and eyes tear up.
But if chemistry doesn’t get you hot and bothered, we can look at it from a psychological perspective too. As adults, we have responsibilities—roles we must fulfill in our workspace, at home, and in the eyes of the public. We have to keep our psychic armor on and stay strong for those around us who may rely on our confidence in order to hang onto their own. But that can be quite taxing. How does one deal with the mental burden? Some may try to talk themselves out of it, get over it, or simply suppress it. Some may try to drink it away or binge on the golden age of TV. Others will play video games in their underwear, completing tasks for rewards. A dominant/submissive dynamic can function similarly though you might lose the undies. This could be an escape, or it can serve as a therapeutic space in which to confront and manage your fears, like exposure therapy. In choosing to submit to someone you can trust, you get to face your worst nightmares––the weakling, the failure, the “not enough.” Oh God––what would people think of me if they saw me like this? Would they still have respect for me? See my strengths? In this safe space created by the dominant, you get to be that person and then emerge from it, still you.
When someone experiences chaos and has to wrangle it in their day-to-day life, they often seek release in the form of a loss of control. Well, we are living in extraordinarily chaotic times— times that threaten us and those we love, demanding a level of self-control that drains the mind. It should come as no surprise, then, that those who enjoy exploring their psychological world through sexual powerplay have been given an awful lot to work with.
The big shift I’ve seen since the pandemic has been from in-person sessions to online domination—for obvious reasons. Friends and colleagues are shifting to producing their own scenes from home (e.g. Vixen Media Group’s new “Intimates” series) and business is booming (all of which only serves to underscore how the oft-caricatured image of BDSM as just being about whips and chains misses out on the psychological depths of the games being played). For my part, I share my femdom-inspired photography and shorts on Patreon, but since the lockdown, I’ve also begun offering tasks and assignments that submissives can do from home. Recently, I released a short film in collaboration with the acclaimed director Kayden Kross titled “Interview,” offering a closer look at the psychological side of human sexuality.
In it, I explore the power of encountering nascent submissive urges, and the conflicting feelings that can arise at the precipice of succumbing to one’s vulnerabilities. In the film, a prestigious job opportunity brings an ambitious young man (Michael) face-to-face with his beguiling interviewer (Camilla) for what will turn out to be the most important performance evaluation of his life. Through their combative tête-à-tête, Michael finds himself led down a path of self-reflection, denial, and feels the tug of a curious awakening, as his interrogator strips away the mask of social worth to which he so desperately tries to cling. It speaks to a hunger that many men experience. When we bandy about terms like “patriarchy” or “toxic masculinity,” we’re often discussing the harm society encourages men inflict on women, as well we should, but what this discourse can often neglect is the harm that is done to men who haven’t been given healthy tools to explore and express their vulnerabilities, fears, anxieties, and aspirations in a way that allows them to lead a sustainable and balanced life.
If you feel the desire to explore your own relationship to sexual power dynamics, I would encourage you to do so (though obviously not by mimicking the events in the film, as that would be sexual harassment or coercion when engaged in in a non-fantasy setting). As a professional dominatrix, I have seen how many men are in need of a safe space to conduct that exploration, and require help to access and express vulnerable feelings that they have been implicitly or explicitly taught to seal tightly inside them. The workspace, in particular, is a triggering setting for those who were raised to feel that one’s career success is the most important factor in determining one’s social or societal value. Thus, the job-interview roleplay is one of the most frequently requested scenarios in femdom—the moment you face someone who has the power to make your life more valuable, or make you a “failure.”
Whether or not you find yourself interested in exploring power through sexuality, it is wise to remember that power is working on us, whether we’re aware of it or not—and it has the potential to be deadly, but when harnessed, quite illuminating. However you explore it, I encourage you to do so thoughtfully and with informed consent.
