Two things you should know about me: I love Spider-Man, and I love Adam Scott. No Way Home made me cry in public no fewer than three times. And my love for Adam Scott is the disgusting, “a collage of his face has been my phone wallpaper for a decade,” “I have merch based on his podcast” kind.
What I do not love, however, is that Sony is trying to force my hand by casting Scott in one of its upcoming Spider-Man movies. For reasons long, boring, and legal, Sony’s Spider-Man movies don’t really qualify as the type I fawn over these days—the true Spider-Man movies now live inside the Marvel Cinematic Universe. (That said, the studio’s animated Into the Spider-Verse is a perfect film.)
Instead, Sony is making Spidey movies primarily about Spider-Man’s villains, most of whom are unfamiliar to the general audience. Most of these movies are only good in an ironic way: Morbius became a meme-ius, and Venom was hilariously marketed as a romantic comedy in China. But there’s no reason to get excited about niche villains in a cinematic universe that can no longer actually show the hero who ostensibly inspired their villainy.
Which is why Madame Web, one of Sony’s upcoming Spider-Man Universe movies, particularly infuriates me. Not only does the film series’ poor critical reputation precede it, but the character of Madame Web actually has a promising, unique background: She’s an old-lady mutant, and she actually is a good guy (erm, gal). But Sony’s version has already removed one of the most intriguing things about her—her age!—by casting 32-year-old Dakota Johnson in the lead role.
Very much in spite of myself, I love Johnson. If I could pull off her bangs, I would have her bangs. I pray that her gap tooth returns one day. I think of her Ellen DeGeneres takedown with fondness. But iconically geriatric Madame Web, she is not.
Yet Johnson’s presence alone was enough to pique my interest in the movie. And then Sony added Sydney Sweeney, she of two recent Emmy nominations and a good portion of my heart, to the cast. Sydney and Dakota playing off each other is stuff of my emo twentysomething dreams. I was still trying to resist Madame Web’s sticky pull, but Sweeney made it harder.
Then Emma Roberts signed on for the film, which... meh. Don’t care much for her.
But now, as announced on Friday, Adam Scott has joined the cast of Madame Web in an undisclosed role. And I cannot stand for this. I cannot stand for the money I am automatically foisting over to Sony for my opening night tickets to see Scott act against Johnson and Sweeney in what will surely be a terribly written, garishly shot, incomprehensible action film. But where Adam Scott goes, I go—whether it’s Severance, which he rightfully received an Emmy nod for this week, or Hot Tub Time Machine 2.
Will Scott play Johnson’s love interest? Sweeney’s young, hot dad? Roberts’ colleague? Or maybe he’ll be a villain himself, cementing his place in the Sony Spider-Man Carnival of Villainy. I don’t want that for my beloved, especially as he’s reaching new, well-acclaimed heights in his career.
But, in the end, Adam Scott’s success is my success—insofar as I will be able to save new high-quality photos of him to the little folder on my desktop. I just wish it weren’t dependent on something as confounding as Madame Web.
