When a security camera video surfaced over Fourth of July weekend showing our strangest diva, Ariana Grande, surreptitiously licking donuts at a California donut shop, licking her boy-toy, being rude to staffers, and talking serious shit to a tray of fresh donuts—“What the fuck is that? I hate Americans…I hate America”— patriotic Americans across the country clutched their pearls and Bud Lights, and channeled their inner Homer Simpson (“Why you little…”) in condemning the pop princess for slandering a perfectly good confectionary treat. After all, in Donald Trump’s America, it doesn’t get any more un-American than besmirching donuts/America and sucking face with your Hispanic boyfriend in one fell swoop.
Yes, the hullabaloo over #donutgate was ridiculous, and the 22-year-old musical artist presumably reacted by locking herself in a penthouse hotel suite, guzzling Champagne, and blasting “Break Free” on repeat. After all that, on Wednesday, she managed to crank out an apology statement that, while stating she was “proud” to be an American and preaching about how gross and fat Americans are, didn’t really address why she was licking donuts and being so rude to service people—which is, frankly, the height of tackiness:
On Thursday evening, following the news that police were going all True Detective on the donut-licking video—seriously, LAPD, you don’t have bigger fish to fry?—Grande decided to issue a more earnest and heartfelt apology via a YouTube video.
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“I just wanted to apologize again for the whole ‘donut fiasco’ and craziness, because I feel like the apology that I posted—I kind of missed the opportunity to sincerely apologize and express how I was feeling, because I was too busy preaching about my issues with the food industry,” said Grande.
“I’ve actually never been prouder to be an American, to be honest with you, with the advances we’ve made in the past couple of months and all the wonderful, progressive things that have been going on,” she continued. “I’ve never been prouder of this country, actually. But, yeah, um…here I am apologizing to y’all, chubby cheeks and all, because I feel like seeing a video of yourself behaving poorly that you have no idea was taken is such a rude awakening that it’s like, you don’t know what to do. I was so disgusted with myself. I, like, shoved my face into a pillow and wanted to disappear. But instead of that, I’m going to come forward and own up to what I did and take responsibility and say I’m sorry, because I reacted in a way that wasn’t necessary, to say the least, but also just wasn’t me at all. I apologize for my poor choice of words and my behavior.”
“I made a mistake and I’m being judged for it, which I understand because I watched it and was just as disappointed and—ugh—in myself, so I get it one hundred percent. I’m 22 years old, I’m human, I’ve still got a lot to learn, and I’ll make mistakes, and that’s how I’m gonna learn.”
Meanwhile, business at the donut shop has tripled since the Grande-licking seen ’round the world.
America, y’all.
