“Hey, who’s ready to Make America Great Again?” exclaimed Bill Maher. “Really, the election is six days away. That’s why I’m doing this. But are you guys OK? Because my sphincter is about to explode.”
That’s how Maher, the host of HBO’s Real Time, opened his intimate stand-up set Wednesday night at the famous Largo comedy club in Los Angeles. The special, titled #WhinyLittleBitch, was livestreamed on Facebook to his 3.6 million followers, providing some counterprogramming to the Cubs’ curse-breaking World Series win.
Of course, the political satirist—who was once sued for $5 million by the remarkably thin-skinned Donald Trump for insinuating that his father was an orangutan—hasn’t minced words about the former reality-TV show host (and self-described sexual predator) turned Republican presidential nominee. He’s compared Trump’s RNC speech to “Mussolini,” called him “the voice of treason” for urging Russia to hack Hillary, and claimed Donald should change his motto to “Making Sexual Assault Great Again” after a tape emerged of him bragging about being able to approach unfamiliar women and “grab them by the pussy” due to his celebrity.
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Still, there were surprises to be had during Maher’s 45-minute stand-up set. He joked that he was going to “fuckin’ kill Anthony Weiner” if Hillary Clinton wasn’t elected, labeling the disgraced congressman—whose alleged sexting with a 15-year-old semi-reignited the FBI’s investigation into Hillary’s emails—“the cock that ended the world.”
Maher also tried to soothe his audience—both in the crowd and streaming the set from their computers at home—by comparing all the hysteria surrounding Trump to Y2K, before hinting at the trouble to come should Trump’s army of hysterical acolytes not achieve their desired result.
“You know, I hope that when we look back on this, it’s going to be like… Trump is like Y2K. Right?” Maher exclaimed. “We thought it was going to be a disaster, we shit our pants, and then it was a bunch of nothing. But who knows? Even if he loses, his army of whiny little bitches… these people are crazy. They think if Hillary is elected, this is the end of civilization, right? They’re so brainwashed that we’re living in this country of disaster where there’s always a cold knife at your heart and a brown dick at your lips.”
A good chunk of Maher’s set was devoted to “Pussygate,” or the notorious Access Hollywood video where Trump is heard bragging about being able to sexually assault random women at will because of his then-C-list celebrity status—in particular, how the GOP and the voting public has seemingly forgotten about the month-old scandal already.
“We have absorbed this way too quickly! We have a tape! It’s not hearsay,” Maher ranted. “We saw/heard this tape of Donald Trump saying to Billy Bush, his rapist wingman… we have a guy on tape who is saying, ‘You know what? Give me a Tic Tac, Igor, because when I see a hot chick I can’t control myself. You know what? I’m just attracted to beauty like a magnet. And when you’re a star, they’ll let you do anything. They’ll let you grab their pussy.’ OK, I have two thoughts about this: One, you kiss Putin’s ass with that mouth? And also, Republicans: You are not sending us your best. They’re rapists, they do coke before debates, and some of them I’m sure are good people.”
One of the more controversial bits from Maher’s set involved the creepy relationship between Donald and his striking daughter Ivanka. Donald’s made many inappropriate comments in the past about his eldest daughter, including that he might “be dating her” if she wasn’t his daughter, that he might be sleeping with her if he “weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father” in a Rolling Stone interview, and that time he gave the OK to call her “a piece of ass.”
“Be nice to Ivanka, she’s our only hope—because she seems like she actually knows rationality, but she’s [Trump’s] kid, and she’s the only one who can get to him, and you know he loves her,” said Maher. “If he’s going to do something nutty, we’re going to depend on Ivanka going into that bedroom. Daddy”—said Maher, mimicking Ivanka giving Donald a handjob—“Daddy, you have to apologize for that tweet where you called Angela Merkela a ‘cunt.’ You have to apologize, Daddy!”“Hillary may have 30,000 erased emails. This chick has 30,000 repressed memories,” he added, before castigating the real-estate heir’s supporters: “But, you know, Trump voters—really? Not even the guy who says he wants to fuck his daughter? This is not a deal-breaker for you? I mean, what does it take? A racist, a liar, a tax cheat, a draft-dodger, a deadbeat, a Russian agent, and a rapist. You know we’re a nuclear power, right? These are red flags.”
After about 40 minutes or so of going in on Trump, Maher focused his attention on his opponent, Hillary Clinton. Confessing that he’s “fuckin’ scared about this election,” the comedian then launched into an argument about why all the fuss over Hillary’s emails are just that.
“We hacked her and she’s still not interesting,” said Maher. “You know, what did we find? OK, she’s an overly careful, thoughtful, overly managed, well-connected centrist politician who never raped anybody. There’s nothing in those emails, because there was nothing before. The hate comes first. It’s the idea that there might be something in them. Well, we’re not saying she’s a witch. We’re just saying if they won’t let us dunk her in water, how will we know for sure? That’s really the official position of the FBI right now.” “My analogy with Hillary is football,” he continued, before comparing her to New England Patriots QB Tom Brady. “Is she completely honest? Well, she’s deflated a few balls in her time. But it’s a minor crime and she’s a great quarterback! She would be a great president—or at least a good one, not a disastrous one.”
