As someone who writes product reviews mainly for access to sex toy samples (can you blame me?), I’ve tried many new vibrators this year. To be honest, most have not impressed me as anything particularly revelatory. I think the luxury sex toy brands out there are doing an admirable job improving the technology; each year, the average vibrator gets a little better. But sometimes, I get sad imagining how much better our sex lives would be if we actually invested time and money into this fruitful industry, rather than continuously casting judgment and shame. Seriously, all women should be able to also have much easier and reliable hands-free orgasms by now! Our society’s priorities are backwards.
Often, the new toys I try tend to interest me for a round or two, and then get sterilized and relegated to the closet for open-minded-friend donation. But this year, there were two new exceptions that stood out to me as keepers: Zumio X (an ultra-fine yet powerful toy that I find uniquely suited to combining with receiving oral), and one other little toy that really surprised me: Kiki De Montparnasse’s Cloud Massager Onyx.
The Cloud Massager looks like a miniature of my favorite go-to toy for masturbation—The Womanizer. I was skeptical when I unwrapped the little guy—I tend to like a lot of power in my toys, and even larger suction vibrators I’ve tried have failed to meet the level of the Womanizer Premium. Certainly, no little versions have come close, and this was the smallest yet—5" long x 1.5" wide. Plus, I hadn’t even heard of Kiki De Montparnasse vibrators (a quick search revealed the brand is known more for its out-of-my-price-range lingerie). I was pleasantly very surprised, then, when I realized that not only was this toy smaller and much quieter than other suction vibrators, but it packed a real force, too. Here was a suction toy I could feel less distracted by during partnered sex. Unlike the standard-sized Womanizer, it was small enough to not interfere with penetration, doesn’t sound like a lawnmower, and “held on” well in a variety of positions.
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As is standard for luxury sex toys, the Cloud Massager is USB-rechargable, comes with a case, is waterproof, and has multiple pattern and strength settings. But it stands out among the rest this year as the only new toy I expect to enter my regular rotation. While I don’t think this toy will eclipse The Womanizer for my solo play, it is a very welcome new regular addition to my partnered-sex rotation, which tends to default to simply the LELO Nea 2 for easy clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex.
The Cloud Massager Onyx is travel-ready, discreet, slick, and powerful-yet-quiet. The suction feels “full” and satisfying to me. I do not recommend non-refundable purchases lightly, but this one may be a relatively safe bet. I look forward to seeing what Kiki De Montparnasse designs next.
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