The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) kicked off this week with almost biblical symbolism: After they cancelled Young Pharaoh, they proceeded to wheel out a golden (calf) idol in Donald Trump’s graven image. Is the party doomed to wander through the political wilderness for 40 years? Do we need to invest in plague insurance?
Judging by recent events, the answer is...maybe. Day two of CPAC kicked off Saturday morning with a largely empty ballroom and no opening act. Sen. Marco Rubio, who was scheduled to appear, called off his scheduled speech, citing “an unexpected family issue.” Was the family emergency real or just political? (Maybe Rubio’s allergic to anemic audiences.) And why was Rubio given such an unenviable slot on the schedule to begin with? Was it mere coincidence, or a sign that Ivanka Trump is coming for him in Florida? My Magic 8-ball says to “ask again later.” But Richard Grenell, former acting director of the National Intelligence program, was bumped up a few slots on the proverbial dance card, and teased a run for California governor during his sparsely attended speech.
In a world where conservatism has largely become an outlandish, salacious, and outrageous bit of performance art, it’s weird that the main criticism of day two was that it was boring. Unlike past CPACs, day two seemed to offer more panel discussions featuring not-so-big-name panelists on the main stage. Where were the big A-list speakers? Where were Tucker, Laura, or Sean? Would you settle for, um, Pete Hegseth? (As always, the more exciting events seemed to be away from the main CPAC stage, where a line formed to take a photo with Marjorie Taylor Greene, and where Roger Stone was filmed busting a move.)
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The panels—which focused on issues like China, abortion, criminal justice reform, big tech, and energy policy—were more substantive (albeit generally presented from the same perspective) than the usual red-meat speech delivered by, say, Ann Coulter. That was true, at least until Townhall.com columnist Kurt Schlichter opened a panel titled, “Who’s the Boss. Where’s My Applesauce?” by asking, “Who here believes that desiccated old weirdo is really in charge at the White House?” During that same panel, Rep. Mark Green of Tennessee boasted about more gerrymandering, to which Schlichter replied, “Let’s cut ourself some districts that work.” Talk about saying the quiet part out loud.
There were other cringe-worthy moments, too. One panel featured Arizona Rep. Paul Gosar, who spoke at a non-CPAC-ordained conference hosted by right-wing white nationalist Nick Fuentes the night before. Talk radio host Dana Loesch opened her panel on gun control by punning, “We are in the gun-shine state.” And Rep. Devin Nunes complained at length about the uptick in mail-in voting during the 2020 pandemic and called the upcoming COVID relief bill a “slush fund” to “buy votes” for Democrats.
As always, Trump loomed large over the conference. “I think that Donald Trump is not finished with this revolution,” said K.T. McFarland, former deputy national security advisor under Mike Flynn. CPAC Chair Matt Schlapp ended one panel discussion by saying that conservatives felt “gypped” (a once-common term that is today considered to be a politically incorrect slur) by Trump’s loss, but that they accomplished eight years’ worth of work in just four years. Although the pervasive Trump stench made it impossible for the 2021 CPAC to serve as a real coming-out party for future GOP hopefuls, two potential 2024 presidential candidates (assuming, of course, that Trump doesn’t run) did speak on Saturday. Mike Pompeo’s son introduced him as “America’s first ‘America First’ Secretary of State.”
Pompeo’s speech wasn’t exactly a barn burner, but the crafty wording managed to take credit for Trump-era foreign policy accomplishments like recognizing Jerusalem as Israel’s capital and signing the Abraham Accords, without coming across as a Trump imitator. Pompeo shares the “America First” ideology, but he doesn’t share Trump’s penchant for undisciplined rhetoric. His speech was serious and didn’t insult the listener’s intelligence. It’s almost like someone actually tried to write a legitimate speech with (gasp) substance instead of mindless rhetoric.
The other possible presidential hopeful to speak was South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem. She lacks the stage presence of a front-runner, but she clearly came prepared with a well-rehearsed speech meant to arouse the erogenous zones of conservative ears. She began her speech by boasting that South Dakota was the only state “that never ordered a single business or church to close...never instituted a shelter in place order” and never mandated that people should wear masks. If you weren’t sure how much her brand is based on demagoguing COVID-19, “Dr. Fauci is wrong a lot,” she declared. The remainder of her speech was full of perfunctory Republican talking points. She’s not ready for prime time, but with some seasoning, she might find herself on the 2024 ticket—possibly even as the running mate for, I don’t know, Donald Trump.
It’s truly depressing that Trump (who speaks at CPAC on Sunday afternoon) is probably the most likely 2024 nominee.
What I wouldn’t give for a Men in Black flashy thing. Maybe then I could wipe the memories of the last four years from the minds of those conference attendees. Maybe then they could get on with the serious business of rebuilding an idol-free version of the Republican Party.
