CPAC in Orlando Looks to Be the Saddest, Stupidest CPAC Yet

I can’t say for sure that this year’s CPAC is even sadder than previous CPACs because I’m not there in person, but it sure seems even more steeped in grievance so far and even less grounded in reality.

This is my third year covering the event, but the first year I’ve done so remotely. After last year’s gathering, I had to quarantine for two weeks due to possible COVID exposure. This year, in the midst of canceled weddings, postponed social gatherings and lonely parents, CPAC continues to CPAC while the coronavirus continues to rage. So I should have been grateful not to be there in person after people mostly stared at me in horror last year except for one terrifying blond woman who yelled at me. But I started to feel kind of itchy on Thursday night, like I was missing out after seeing the golden Trump statue with the false idol wearing flipflops.

But then my FOMO was tempered after seeing Jim Acosta surrounded by a group of CPAC’ers screaming at him about how “CNN Sucks” and I decided that perhaps I was lucky to stay in New York City after all. Did I mention that Fox Nation is a major funder, to the tune of $250,000?

This year’s theme is America Uncanceled, which hit peak irony when speaker Young Pharaoh was canceled beforehand for his many anti-Semitic tweets, mixed in with various conspiracy theories. The group eventually tweeted that “someone we invited to CPAC has expressed reprehensible views that have no home with our conference or our organization.” Which is much better than celebrating those views, but also sounds an awful lot like a well-deserved cancellation.

As things kicked off in full on Friday in Orlando, there was a lot of hostility towards lockdown and COVID restrictions, but not a lot of pity or emotion for the 500,000 Americans who’ve died so far, with nearly all of this carnage occurring on Papa Trump’s watch. A very tan Ron DeSantis started the festivities by bragging about how his state is an “oasis of freedom,” that “got it right and the lockdown states got it wrong.” Despite a series of scandals involving under-reporting deaths, 30,000 people have died in Florida according to the official count, so I’m not sure DeSantis should be doing a victory lap just yet. Then again, he also called Rush Limbaugh “one of our greatest field generals,” so perhaps his judgement is not amazing. One word DeSantis never said during his seven-minute speech? “Trump.”

After that, it was not a great day for the crappy white senators who each not so secretly think that he’ll be the party’s 2024 nominee. Ted Cruz tried humor; Ted Cruz should never try humor. Maybe he was trying humor when he said his party, led by a guy living at his country club, “is not the party of country clubs” but “the party of hardworking, blue-collar men and women.” Tom Cotton was, once again, extremely mad about the New York Times. Josh Hawley complained about technology and bragged about trying to overturn the election.

The star of the first day was supposed to be the president’s large adult failson, Junior. He was introduced by his girlfriend, the ever-screamy Kimberly Guilfoyle, who yelled baffling phrases at the audience like "I will confidently say that President Trump from his desk at Mar-a-Lago will accomplish more for America in the next 4 years than Joe Biden & Kamala Harris could dream of." OK.

Junior was met with thunderous applause for a speech entitled "Reigniting the Spirit of the American Dream" but he didn’t do much reigniting, mostly just complaining about the most pressing issue affecting Americans today: Liz Cheney.

"Speaking of bombing the Middle East, have you seen Liz Cheney's poll numbers?" Rimshot! "Her politics are only slightly less popular than her father is at a quail hunt. Liz Cheney hates Donald Trump and his policies because her family has a long history of friendly fire, but she also hates them because she's tied to an establishment that has done nothing but failed us time and time again."

Eventually, Junior moved on to the other most pressing problem Americans are facing today: Brian Stelter. Junior made a joke about how Brian Stelter looked like Mr. Potato Head but he mispronounced Stelter’s last name so badly that no one seemed to get the “joke.” Then Junior complained about Biden’s Cabinet diversity, and lied again about the 2020 election results. For his grand finale, he took a shot at his favorite target, loved son Hunter Biden, lying that, "I'm sure he's making billions in China right now, don't worry.”

This was a sea of white guys (and a few women) complaining about an imaginary Muppet cancellation, an imaginary cucking of a 68-year-old toy, and Hillary's emails.

As Americans wait on line at food banks and bury their relatives who’ve died of COVID, you have to wonder if they really care about the gender of Mr. Potato Head.