Trump’s Bro-Pocalypse Advisers Got Him ‘Cat Lady’ Vance

Since assuming the mantle, Donald Trump’s running mate, J.D. Vance, has pretty much shit the couch.

The embarrassments keep mounting. Vance’s dull speech at the convention may have lulled Trump to sleep, but women sat up when the Ohio senator was caught on a recording slagging off childless women, calling them miserable “cat ladies” with “no direct stake” in the future of America.

How could Team Trump think Vance was a winning idea? The answer could lie in a parallel moment eight years ago, the last time Trump had to decide on a running mate. It was the summer of 2016, and the then-reality TV host had whittled the field down to three final contenders: former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, then-New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, and Gov. Mike Pence of Indiana.

Trump reportedly felt most comfortable with Christie, but his daughter Ivanka held a grudge against the former prosecutor, who had helped send her father-in-law, Charles Kushner, to jail. Gingrich was a pass since an ex-wife had called the congressman out for cheating, and Trump had already secured the adulterer vote. Pence, a Bible-thumping outsider, seemed like a boring long shot… until fate intervened.

According to Politico, when Trump dropped in to Indiana for a vetting visit, his jet was grounded with a flat tire. Ivanka and her brothers decided to jump on a plane and join their father, who was traveling with Hope Hicks, Ivanka’s fashion PR pal-turned-campaign press secretary. The next day, the group gathered for breakfast at the Governor’s Mansion. It went well and Pence rocketed to the top of the list.

Campaign manager Kellyanne Conway strongly advocated for Pence, and later bragged about her early support in The New York Times. “I got one right when in May 2016, I recommended the then-Indiana governor, Mike Pence, as a solid running mate to Mr. Trump,” she wrote in 2024. Still, Trump wasn’t sold on Pence and turned to Melania for her thoughts. In First in Line: Presidents, Vice Presidents and the Pursuit of Power, author Kate Anderson Brower credits Melania with being “decidedly in Pence’s corner.” The author claims Melania viewed Pence as a “safe” and “clean” choice. The rest, as they say, was history.

Eight years later, Trump was facing the same VP decision with a final list that included Sens. Marco Rubio, Tim Scott, and Vance, as well as Gov. Doug Burgum of North Dakota. But this time, Trump’s inner circle no longer included Melania, Ivanka, Hicks, or Conway. All four women were now on the sidelines of the campaign—by choice or by circumstance.

This distance was obvious at the July convention when Melania broke with tradition and refused to give a speech or even introduce her husband. She arrived at the very end of the last night to smile at the crowd and allow her husband to give her a passionate peck on the right cheek. A body double could’ve pulled off the appearance.

Ivanka also eschewed a convention speaking slot. She walked away from the campaign in November 2022, posting on Instagram that she loved and supported her father, but “going forward I will do so outside the political arena.” She didn’t support him in the legal arena, either. Ivanka never showed up in the Manhattan courthouse when Trump was on trial for falsifying business records and found guilty on all 34 counts.

Hicks did make it to the courthouse, but only because she was compelled by the prosecution to testify against her old boss. Hickshas not been involved in Trump’s 2024 campaign, perhaps because on Jan. 6, 2021, she texted a White House colleague, “We all look like domestic terrorists now.” Conway spoke at the convention in a non-primo spot and was labeled in the program “former advisor to Donald Trump.” To get her ideas to Trump, Conway needed a workaround. In February, she weighed in on the vice presidential pick through a New York Times op-ed. “If I were advising Mr. Trump,” Conway wrote, “I would suggest he choose a person of color as his running mate.” He did not take her advice.

Into this vacuum galloped the four Dorksmen of the Apocalypse: Donald Trump Jr., Steve Bannon, Peter Thiel, and Tucker Carlson. These four championed Vance, pressing Trump to choose the candidate who most resembled a bearded Ivory Soap baby. Vance could deliver something that appealed to each of these men: He’s under 40… a religious extremist…a malleable suck up…and a Marine from the Midwest who graduated from Yale Law School.

A convert to Catholicism, Vance supports a national abortion ban with no exceptions for rape or incest. He also voted against the “Right to IVF Act” in mid-June which is why actual Vice President Kamala Harris released a campaign statement on July 25 with the headline: ““Happy World IVF Day To Everyone Except JD Vance.”

Trump let men steer his decision that will influence the vote of millions of women. A dose of estrogen might have landed on a different candidate. Would Ivanka have rolled her eyes at Vance’s extremism? Would the now mother-of-three have felt pangs that a friend once claimed that Ivanka chose to have an abortion in high school? Would Melania and Conway have pushed back on Vance’s desire to do away with “no-fault divorce”? Would Hicks have agreed with Vance’s position that wives should stay in abusive marriages?

There are still women working on the Trump campaign who might have offered opinions, including co-campaign manager Susie Wiles (Posh Spice), Lara Trump (Sporty Spice), Kimberly Guilfoyle (Scary Spice) and granddaughter Kai Trump (Baby Spice). But it’s hard to picture Trump taking their advice seriously: Wiles has gray hair… Lara married Eric Trump so her judgment is in question… Guilfoyle is dating Don Jr. so her judgment is in question… Kai is only 17.

Unless Vance decides to step aside, Trump is stuck with his choice. And while the latest polls show Trump still has a slim lead over Harris, a greater shift may occur when future polls include whomever the Democrats pick for the VP slot. And unlike the GOP, a woman will definitely be part of making that decision.

Nell Scovell is the author of the memoir Just the Funny Parts: And a Few Hard Truths About Sneaking Into the Hollywood Boys Club.