Elon Musk, You Are So Wrong About Your Trans Child

Regrettably, I have to say that Elon Musk and I have something near and dear in common: we both have used fertility treatments to conceive our children.

Thankfully, the similarities of our situations stop there.

It took my partner and I three years to conceive our child, something that was very taxing on our marriage and at times very fraught. When our daughter was born, we vowed to support her whoever she, or whatever she calls herself, no matter what.

Being a parent has been one of the most challenging, yet rewarding things I’ve ever done. I also worry daily that I will fall short at times, letting my child down when she needs me most. Even now, I hesitate to write about her, given that she did not ask for this, nor is she a public figure. Being a writer means bringing other people into our own words, many times without their explicit consent. Largely, it doesn’t affect them, and it is impossible to write about existence without noting that we are never truly alone.

Even acknowledging this, I’ve done more than the world’s richest man has when talking about his daughter Vivian, an episode of The Jordan B. Peterson podcast. In what can only be described as a hateful diatribe, Musk goes on to deadname and misgender his daughter, say that he was “tricked” into provided gender affirming care for her, and declare that she was “killed by the woke mind virus” for transitioning and cutting off contact with her father.

Elon Musk Says ‘Woke Mind Virus’ Killed His Trans DaughterMASK OFF

Tom Sykes, Martha Mercer

Parenting a child means coming to terms with the fact that much of what you expect out of them may not come to pass, and that is more than okay. I would love to share my fervent sports fandom with my child, but I’m not demanding her loyalties lie where mine do. If she chooses to associate with different groups, or avoid ever watching a game with me that’s more than okay.

Sports fandom is much more trivial than one's own identity, however. Whatever my child decides about herself in the future, I am there for her. Full stop.

I remember coming out to my parents at the age of 29 being so scared to tell them I was transgender that I wrote two letters, one to my mom and stepdad and one to my dad, explaining who I was and introducing them to my authentic self. I gave those letters to my parents, and chose not to be there in person while they read them because I was utterly terrified of their reaction.

My parents have been more than affirming, and wonderful in support. I never doubted that for a second, but the act of coming out is such a vulnerable process. Any possibility of misunderstanding was enough to paralyze me with fear and want to either stay in the closet or just not tell the people who raised me the most important facet of myself.

Now imagine someone in the throes of adolescence having these fears and lack of clarity about themselves? Instead of reflecting back on support given to his daughter, Musk has chosen to rewrite his child’s story to reflect his political agenda. An agenda that many in the Republican Party have adopted with vigor around the country in the 2024 legislative session.

Dr. Jack Turban, Director of the Gender Psychiatry Program at The University of California, San Francisco and author of the book Free to Be: Understanding Kids & Gender Identity, told The Daily Beast that when parents are not affirming it is one of the “greatest predictors of bad mental health outcomes for transgender youth—including anxiety and depression.”

That feeling of abandonment and lack of affirmation is not just a short-term feeling that goes away for youth struggling with their identity. In fact, it is something that can stay with someone long into adulthood, requiring future psychological treatment and therapy.

“Our relationships with our parents create an essential framework for the other relationships we have in our lives,” Turban says. “It’s essential that our parents be able to listen to and understand us. Even when a child and a parent disagree about something, there are communication skills that can be taught to maintain the relationship even while working through difficult topics in which two people don’t see eye-to-eye.”

That’s not to say parents’ feelings and anxieties surrounding their childrens’ identities are not valid and do not deserve support, he added. Providing space for parents to process their own feelings separate from the support they are giving their children, is vital to helping all members of families navigate difficult situations to the best of their abilities.

Watching a public figure like Musk disparage their own child’s journey for political gain, is not something that just affects him and his fans. Parents outside of Musk’s own bubble now have to see peers possibly influenced by the weight of his words, and navigate dealing with children that could one day need support like Vivian had during her transition.

“As the trans parent of a trans kid who co-parents with a less-than-supportive cis father, these comments terrify me,” one parent, who wished to remain completely anonymous, told me after watching the clip of Musk’s interview making the rounds.

“The political debate isn’t just theoretical, I wake up some mornings to see these talking points being weaponized against my own child and I feel so helpless to stop it.”

Other parents reflected that while their situations for their gender expansive children were stable, it just shows how out of touch Musk was as a parent for trying to impose their own beliefs post-hoc when they are no longer in control of that child’s life.

Katie, a parent with a middle school child, told me that Musk’s comments made her grateful that her child was “able to live their own life,” and that trying to control that even after they grew up is “self-absorbed” behavior.

“He’s choosing to be sad, like some perverse self-martyrdom,” she said. “Buddy, your idea of who your kid was gonna be is dead, and sorry to burst your bubble, but as a parent that is always gonna happen.”

For many, just like my partner and I, the journey to parenthood is not a linear fashion and the risks of childbirth and the first few days of life can be full of complications. The challenges we faced as early parents were terrifying and something that I will never take for granted when choosing to pursue having future children.

Steve, a parent with a preteen child, told me that Musk’s comments made him reflect on the “traumatic” stress of having a long NICU stay after his child was born. Making such statements when Musk has discussed having had a child die from a SIDS-related incident was a beyond hateful choice in his mind.

“Musk’s sentiment that a child transitioning was equivalent to the child dying was, simply put, profane.”

There will always be disagreements between parents on how best to raise children, as there is no single way to be a parent. Even my wife and I have disagreements on what we think is best for our own child, but we also communicate about these issues and learn from each other. Unfortunately, Musk’s comments matter not just for their reach and his platform as the owner of social media site X, but because he has pledged to spend $45 million a month to help elect Donald Trump as President of the United States.

Such an investment will likely push the right-wing candidate towards policies that would ban gender-affirming care for American minors, even if studies show these policies are based on flimsy evidence and a lack of understanding of how transgender healthcare works.

Hearing such words against a child that has grown up and chosen to live as their authentic self is painful, especially as someone who was terrified to come out themselves. I just hope my child knows, I’m so excited to see whoever they become.