When I was growing up in the 1980s, it was a pretty big deal when Sandra Day O’Connor took her place on the Supreme Court. She was an instant icon for women of my generation. Her husband, a once-powerful Arizona lawyer and the family breadwinner, for all intents and purposes became invisible. The O’Connors met at Stanford Law School, married in 1952, and had three sons. Justice O’Connor couldn’t even get a job, much like her colleague the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, despite both graduating at the top of their classes.
John O’Connor, for his part, left a lucrative partnership at a Phoenix law firm to come to Washington with his wife in 1981. He worked for other storied D.C. law firms but was limited in his ability to take on matters that could come before the justices.
What many people do not know is that Justice O’Connor left the court when she was 75 to become a full-time caretaker of her husband, who was diagnosed with Alzheimers in 2006. What emerged from O’Connor’s decision back then is no different than the conversations powerful women are having right now. An intimate picture emerged of one of the country’s most powerful women navigating work/life balance on a grand scale—the twin pressures of a husband progressively losing cognitive function while she carried out her unique responsibilities as one of nine justices on the Supreme Court. Ultimately, she chose family.
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Fast forward to the 1990s, my former boss, New Jersey Governor Christine Todd Whitman, the first female governor of New Jersey, was also married to a successful man. Her husband of 41 years, John R. Whitman, was a successful finance executive for Citicorp and chairman and chief executive of Prudential-Bache Interfunding Inc. from 1987 until 1990. His grandfather, Charles Whitman, was the governor of New York from 1915 to 1919 and was a character in the classic E.L. Doctorow novel Ragtime.
But when his wife made history in 1993, Whitman, like John O’Connor, had to step back from his career, and became the state’s first and only “First Gentleman” to date. Whitman for his part became one of his wife’s most trusted advisers and is credited with helping to shape her legendary 1993 tax cut plan that propelled her to the governorship.
It is a rare sight, even in 2020, to see men standing behind their wives. Or even next to them.
We saw Bill Clinton do it in 2008 and 2016, when Hillary ran for president. We all knew how much Marty Ginsburg supported his wife, Ruth. I could go on and on cherry-picking smart, successful men who have bravely stood behind their women. But something has shifted in 2020 in the form of two men who are in the national spotlight right now: Los Angeles entertainment attorney Doug Emhoff, husband of U.S. Senator Kamala Harris; and Jesse Barrett, husband of newly minted Justice Amy Coney Barrett.
Two men who are married to accomplished, powerful, still fairly young women at the top of their game. Two men who have held the Bible as their wives took oaths to the Constitution. Two men who have had to tend to the home front and, in Barrett’s case, seven young children. Emhoff’s two children are grown, but he has paused his legal career to hit the campaign trail for his wife everyday to help her make history.
Why does it matter? Or does it? I think it does. I am in an age cohort of both Harris and Barrett. They are both GenXer women. Married to GenXer men. We all grew up as what I call the test case career generation of women. We were the first generation to be given the freedom as women to pursue careers in medicine, law, engineering, science, technology, the military and more. And we owe Baby Boomer women a great debt of gratitude for marching and doing all they did to open the door for us. But that also came with a high personal price.
God, do I know it. Many of us did not get married or have families, even though we desperately wanted both. Case in point: Justices Sotomayor and Kagan are both straight women who according to news reports and friends both wanted families and marriage. Justice Sotomayor is divorced and Kagan never married. Neither has children.
Contrary to popular belief, they are not uncommon for professional women of their generation. Not at all. Harris did not get married until she was 49 years old for the first time. She has been married to Emhoff for just six years. She is a stepmom to his children. Justice Barrett for her part has been married for 20 years to her law school classmate and sweetheart, Jesse. They have five biological children of their own and two adopted from Haiti. During her nomination process, Barrett brought up many times that she could not do all she does without the help of her supportive spouse. He does housework, homework, and cooks too.
We have come a long way baby, as the old Virginia Slims commercial used to say (yes, a television commercial for a cigarette brand, but that’s another story). But we have so far to go. My prayer and hope is that men like Emhoff and Barrett set a new standard for men of the next generation that there is nothing weak or unmasculine about supporting your wife’s career ahead of your own. That instead there is something very manly, and frankly very sexy, about a man who is secure and successful in his own right, who takes great pleasure in seeing the woman he loves soar!
