You may have seen Mistress Lark walking her sub on his leash in the fancy Los Angeles grocery store Erewhon a few months ago. You may have seen the story of Mistress Paige whose subs will fly to the U.K. and pay $1500 to be walked on a dog leash. Did you catch the hoopla when Miss Foxx took a sub to the Waterloo rail station?
But these are small outings between a domme and her sub.
The world has traveling salesmen. We have traveling nurses. I met one pre-COVID on a flight once and learned about her work. People go to where they’re needed, to handle supply and demand, to take care of what ails. BDSM practitioners are no different. You might imagine people into BDSM to be dungeon-dwellers, people being chained or confined to one place. That might be what Hollywood sells you, but it’s not true.
I met my old New York City roommate (S&M drag queen Mistress Formika) because I was hanging off the scaffolding outside a dining establishment where you could both get dessert and get whipped. It was called La Nouvelle Justine (“the world’s first S&M cafe”) and was by the Chelsea Hotel. Hearing about a mistress taking a sub for a walk on a dog leash was not uncommon during that time.
This was not my first glimpse into the fetish world. My college friends wanted to travel to the next county over to go to a Black and Blue Ball in North Carolina. 1992 brought us the film Bram Stoker’s Dracula and 1994 ushered in the Interview with the Vampire. With these gothic entertainment trends, many people attending this ball dressed like the characters in these films. “Goth” and “BDSM” often crossed over.
It was a few years later after I moved to Los Angeles that I’d be in the same car as a gaggle of blonde white women, friends of my neighbor. They all grew up in “Surf City” aka Huntington Beach. I’m not even sure how the conversation turned the direction it did. A blonde girl-next-door type—let’s call her “Susie”—told me she was a “sub”, aka a submissive, who had a dom (dominant) who flew her from Southern California to eastern Canada every month. That was their relationship. This female sub still lives in Southern California and owns and operates a small business and has a separate Instagram account dedicated to her personal travels.
Fast-forward a couple years later. I had a roommate who worked as the “absinthe fairy” at a speakeasy in Downtown Los Angeles called The Edison, which was in the basement of an old loft building in the Historic Core. Let’s call her “Tina”. Tina was an aspiring actress. She met a wealthy guy in his early thirties who flew her around the world, gifted her expense trips. He never laid a finger on her. All she had to do was hang out with him once in a while during them, have lunch with him. His pleasure was her pleasure of traveling. Even after Tina got a boyfriend, a handsome bartender, she continued to accept trips from her benefactor. I just learned that this is called “companionship work”.
Now in 2021, I’m speaking with women in control of their sexualities and the lives of others— their submissives.
Mistress Erica is in the Atlanta area and in her private life she’s a domme. In her working life she’s an accountant for a financial firm. She’s a bi-racial woman who identifies as a woman of color. One of her subs lives with her. “When I was 19, the person I was dating told me that he was attracted to me because I was poised with a strong dominating overtone,” she explains. “I had no idea what that meant at the time and it was the first date I felt I could be myself without feeling subdued. Between the both of us we figured out he was a sub and I was a domme (short for dominatrix).”
She started reading about BDSM, but, she says, most of the books were focused on “masters” (dom men) yet I felt I related to their roles and I wanted to explore that relationship with men that were submissive to me.” She also was hesitant about the world’s lexicon.
“In the beginning I was strongly against the term Dominatrix & BDSM,” she confesses. “Mostly because I felt that they were centered around paid sex work and somehow to me this felt as if I were my true self. I never asked nor required compensation and most of my subs and I were in long term relationships. Financially I’ve always had a job and supported myself but when I dated subs that were more well off they were insistent on being financial providers or “pay pigs” as they are usually referred to.”
The pandemic has changed things for Mistress Erica. “I’ve had to get a bit more creative with my subs due to Covid. Prior to Covid I occasionally traveled to meet subs out of my area. This wasn’t consistent and usually a rare event. Usually when my sub had a work conference out of the state for weeks. I do not use Zoom to engage with my subs but I do use FaceTime and we chat throughout the day. My role in their life is usually tied to a schedule of tasks of my choosing that they must do and report back at the end of the day. Throughout the years I’ve had a range of submissive men that were a part of a flock sort of like brother-husbands. I’ve always had one main sub that lives with me and my other subs had outside lives but reported back to me daily.”
Mistress Erica elaborates: “Our relationships revolve around consent, control and guidelines with strict rules that follow. I control their diet, daily life, clothing choices and I even pick out the type of homes and cars they should buy in return their complete compliance and submission brings me complete satisfaction. Although I enjoy ritualizing these events most are free form based on the sub in which I’m engaging. It’s not always a one size fits all and I make sure their needs as a sub are met as they meet my needs as their Domme.”
Mistress Erica stresses consent. “But I will say consent is a priority in any BDSM relationship, and that is consent from BOTH parties and a mutual understanding. There are boundaries I refuse to cross and I’ve actually declined many relationships with subs because of their requests. We call them hard limits - but I always listen openly without judgment. For instance I am firmly against blackmail (a kink in which you use photos, videos and texts while threatening your partner).”
When Mistress Erica isn’t tending to her garden at home, she’s known to be on the road in the company of her subs. “The farthest I have traveled was to Europe. One of my subs is an engineer and he invited me to come stay in there. I’ve also traveled all over the US. I’m in Georgia but I have been to New York, Puerto Rico and Hawaii. These trips were paid for by my subs. I’ve had several subs to come visit me throughout the years.”
I ask her favorite things to do when on the road with her subs.
“Usually when I travel I rarely do any major events. I make sure to find the nearest botanical garden, art museum & of course antique shops. I collect teapots,” she tells me.
I find myself wanting to know Mistress Erica’s dream trip with a sub.
“I’ve never been to the Maldives and I’ve considered visiting one day. If I went with a sub it would be my long term partner.”
For Mistress Justine, being a domme is more than her lifestyle, it’s also her business. She became a professional domme soon after college. She owns and operates Dungeon East in Downtown Los Angeles. She says that since COVID, she feels it’s more accurate to say that she’s based in Pacific Standard Time since her entire operation is online now.
Mistress Justine tells me, “While many acronyms may change, BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism) is here to stay” and travel will always be part of being a Domme for her.
She’s had clients fly her to Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Mexico, Cuba, Thailand, France, Costa Rica, Iceland, Denmark, and Aruba. Some highlights of her domme travels include revisiting Cuba when travel regulations were briefly relaxed for Americans, eating oysters in a cabana in Thailand, going on an exclusive wine tour in Bordeaux at Château Haut-Brion, eating lobster in a cave in Jamaica, drinking champagne in the Blue Lagoon in Iceland, eating at Kokkeriet in Denmark, and swimming with flamingos in Aruba.
She particularly loves fine dining, “so it's always a pleasure to be taken to Michelin star restaurants.”
For now because of the pandemic, “absolutely everything is virtual” for her: “Some clients can and like virtual for now, some clients cannot or dislike virtual— and of course I am always picking up new devotees.”
When the pandemic is over, Mistress Justine has her heart set on Antarctica. As for details of other trips she’s like to take after travel is totally safe again, “It's so hard to say what I want to do since the landscape has changed so much and I am trying not to look at all the restaurants that I want to go to since many have closed. Geographical and historical locations will still be there—is there time to see the snow on Mt. Kilimanjaro? I haven't been to Australia and New Zealand yet. I want to go back to the Philippines to visit the inflatable Unicorn Island. Really, there are just so many places. Anywhere that is relatively safe for me and has wonderful food will always be places that I want to travel to when I can get on a plane again. Why no one has thought to give me a private jet is beyond me.”
I was referred to Mistress Adreena Angela by Mistress K of House of Denial in London. Mistress Adreena’s been part of the fetish scene there for almost a decade and a half and owns Inanna Studios, one of London’s largest dungeons. She says she instantly felt at home when attending her first fetish club when she was 17 years old. She’s passionate about advocacy work and education, especially centered around gender equality, sexual positivity, and sex workers rights. Mistress Adreena, like Mistress Justine, is a domme in her working and in her private life.
Mistress Adreena has completely stopped real-time sessions during the pandemic. She breaks it down a little more, “I do skype sessions once a week or so, but only a few a week as I find them draining. They really aren’t worth the effort for the financial reward and it just isn’t the same. You can engage in a few practices, but I really thrive off real time play, so I’ve hated it. It’s completely altered my career and lifestyle.
What about her subs?
“I still stay in close touch with my regulars, but most clients I won’t hear from until my dungeon opens back up,” she says. “The main thing I have done a lot of during lockdown and really enjoy is chastity. I am a key holder for 5 or 6 men and it really works long distance, so lock down has been good for that.”
Mistress Adreena describes how her fetish tours work.
“Usually I choose a city that either I’m keen to visit, I have been requested to visit, I already have a client base in, or I know there's a high demand for my services. It has to have dungeons for me to work from, although I will occasionally just rent an apartment but that makes it harder. I ensure it is a city I know is safe. My most regularly toured cities are New York and Los Angeles. Once I know the dates, I advertise my tour via my website, social media and escorting sites. Post FOSTA/SESTA when most escorting sites were taken off the internet, this became a lot harder. In NYC and LA I have a client base already so it’s easy for me to get fully booked. I usually leave a day or some free time and some evenings to see friends in that city and have some down time to do travel stuff and rest. Clients will email me with their requests and if I approve, will pay a deposit and the session is confirmed. When I know what sessions I have booked, I will rent a public dungeon in the city and operate out of those.”
There’s another layer to traveling as a domme that Mistress Adreena participates in.
“The other travel I do is one on one with clients, which is much more like a holiday. That is like companionship work- usually we just travel together, explore the destination, go out for dinner, etc etc... But sometimes with certain clients we will play in the evenings, too, in the hotel room.
I think I’m successful and get to travel with subs a lot as I offer a very ‘girlfriend experience’ approach rather than traveling with a dominatrix as such, so it's relaxed and fun. I try to travel with as few toys and tools as possible, especially in cities (such as the States) where my work is illegal, so that’s why it’s helpful to rent equipped dungeons.”
Mistress Adreena tells me about her favorite trips, the trips that she had set (which were cancelled because of the pandemic), and about a particularly memorable trip with a sub and what she’s looking forward to.
“I adore New York, and getting flown out there is always great. I almost never pay for my own hotels and flights even when I’m doing a ‘public’ tour, as a regular sub will usually arrange that for me,” she explains. “Going to NYC with one of my regulars was a lot of fun, as we explore the bar and restaurant scene there. I also am very fortunate to stay generally in five-star hotels, so it’s always a very enjoyable experience. In the summer I did a private trip to the Amalfi Coast and that was beautiful and very relaxing. I dragged the poor thing down the side of a cliff face to a private bit of beach. I swam naked in the sea whilst he sat on a rock absolutely mortified, and then I made him climb back up the rock face again. I think it nearly killed him. When we got to the top, we ate fish and drank wine overlooking the sea... It was such a lovely day. Due to Covid I had a trip to Mexico cancelled and I’m really devastated about that. And Italy, and Berlin and New York and Amsterdam! I’m desperate to get to Mexico because I love it there and I resent missing that trip so much. I also want to go back to Italy as soon as possible as it’s one of my favorite places. Here’s hoping this is all over soon…”
You may think of BDSM as just being bound and gagged in a dark corner or hole somewhere, but it’s also amazingly liberating, can take you far and wide and can take you out of your comfort zones in more ways than one. It may even help you map out erogenous zones you didn’t know you had.
