“How’s everybody feeling tonight, relaxed?” Jimmy Kimmel asked at the top of his final monologue before Election Day 2020. “What a great time to be alone in a house filled with giant bags of mini candy bars.” The host said he’s feeling like it’s “somewhere between Christmas Eve and the night before a liver transplant.”
“It really is unbelievable,” Kimmel said. “The fact that people are boarding up their businesses for an election should alarm us. If anyone needed any more proof that he didn’t make America great again, there’s plywood in the windows at the Wetzel’s Pretzels across the street from us.” And later, he added, “Right now, they’re erecting a massive protective fence around the White House in the event that things get crazy. Took four years, but Trump finally got his wall built.”
But what alarmed Kimmel even more are the blatant threats against democracy coming from the president of the United States in the days and hours before he is more than likely to be voted out of office.
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First, the host noted that the FBI is currently investigating the disturbing incident in Texas where a caravan of Trump trucks reportedly tried to run a Biden campaign bus off of the highway. “Even though the words ‘No Malarkey’ were clearly printed on the bus, still, they insisted on engaging in malarkey,” he joked.
“And you’d think that that would be too much even for Donald Trump,” Kimmel continued. “Well, turns out it’s not. In fact, he encouraged them to do more.”
After quoting Trump’s tweet in which he claimed “these patriots did nothing wrong” and instead the FBI and Department of Justice “should be investigating the terrorists, anarchists, and agitators of ANTIFA, who run around burning down our Democrat run cities and hurting our people!” Kimmel said, “That to me seems like a glimpse of what we can expect from him over the coming weeks.”
“He cares nothing about this country,” Kimmel declared. “If he loses, he wants us to pull each other’s heads off.”
“Trump is closing out his campaign by complaining and whining like a drippy orange bitch,” the host added later, nothing that during a recent rally in Pennsylvania, the president “warned supporters there of the very real and very dangerous possibility that every vote might count.”
As Trump openly attacked the Supreme Court for ruling in favor of counting mail-in ballots, Kimmel summed up the president’s message as, “If he wins, it was legitimate. If he loses, it was rigged.”
“You wouldn’t accept this from the umpire at your kid’s t-ball game,” he concluded. “Why would you want this in a president of the United States?”
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