“What a day this was,” Jimmy Kimmel said at the top of his late-night monologue on Wednesday before recounting the “tumultuous morning” he had thanks to yet another mean “Truth” aimed in his direction from “our Kentucky fried former president” Donald Trump.
Noting that Wednesday was a day off from Trump’s criminal trial, the host asked, “How did he spend it? Brunch with Melania? No. Maybe a catch with Barron in the yard? No, no, Ranta Claus got up bright and early to post 165 venomous words about yours truly.”
“Stupid Jimmy Kimmel, who still hasn’t recovered from his horrendous performance and big ratings drop as Host of The Academy Awards, especially when he showed he suffered from TDS, commonly known as TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME, to the entire World by reading on air my TRUTH about how bad a job he was doing that night, right before he stumbled through announcing the biggest award of all, ‘Picture of the Year,’” Trump posted, beginning to mix up Kimmel with actor Al Pacino.
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“It was a CLASSIC CHOKE, one of the biggest ever in show business, and to top it off, he forgot to say the famous and mandatory line, ‘AND THE WINNER IS.’ Instead he stammered around as he opened the envelope,” the former president continued. “Supposedly his wife, and even management, begged him not to do it, ‘DON’T READ HIS TRUTH, JIMMY, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS,’ they said. He was made to look like a FOOL, which he is, and at the same time go down in Television History as the WORST HOST EVER OF THE ONCE VAUNTED ACADEMY AWARDS!”
Kimmel said he was impressed Trump spelled the word “vaunted” correctly, “but literally everything else is not just wrong, but maybe-we-should-be-worried-about-him wrong, maybe-we-should-take-the-keys-away-from-grandpa wrong.”
The host then fact checked Trump’s post line by line, from the reality that Oscar ratings actually went up this year to the deep confusion over who it was that presented the final award of the night.
“Now don’t get me wrong, I wish I was Al Pacino,” Kimmel said. “He’s Al Pacino, I’m me. You’d think he’d know that because I’m pretty sure, ‘Say hello to my little friend’ is what he said to Stormy Daniels that got him in all this trouble.”
As for Trump calling him the “WORST” Oscar host ever, Kimmel said, “That must be why they asked me to host the show again next year, which I wasn’t planning to do, but now I might. Maybe you can watch on the TV in the rec room at Rikers.”
Finally, before playing a clip of the joke he told at the Oscars that must still be bothering Trump, Kimmel said, “I guess I should be honored that the former president of the United States took time out of his busy schedule Googling ‘Ivanka in bikini’ to rant about me. He must not get how much I love this.”
Meanwhile, over on CBS, Late Show host Stephen Colbert came to his ostensible competitor’s defense, channeling Will Smith as he told Trump, “You keep my friend Jimmy Kimmel’s name out of your weird, little, wet mouth, OK?”
