“The second presidential debate wrapped up half an hour ago but we taped this before it began,” said John Oliver, “so I don’t know anything about the thoughtful, substantive discussion of policy that I’m assuming took place.”
Instead, the Last Week Tonight host spent the first portion of his HBO program Sunday night dissecting the biggest story to hit this election season: leaked footage of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump bragging about sexually assaulting women.
On Friday, The Washington Post’s David Fahrenthold, who’s delivered an award-worthy turn this election, published video of Trump from 2005. The then reality-show host was speaking to then-Access Hollywood co-host Billy Bush on a hot mic, where Trump was caught saying some particularly disgusting things about women. “You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them,” said Trump. “It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”“Whatever you want,” Bush chimed in. “Grab them by the pussy,” Trump added. “You can do anything.”
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“Yes. That is audio of Donald Trump in 2005 telling a giggling Billy Bush that one of the perks of fame is that he can grab women’s genitalia without permission,” said Oliver. “Since [last week], we have sunk so low we are breaking through the earth’s crust where drowning in boiling magma will come as sweet, sweet relief. And incidentally, fuck Billy Bush! Fuck that guy!”
And, as expected, Trump’s “apology” was far from adequate. His first instinct was to dismiss the incredibly troubling and sexist banter as “locker room talk,” before issuing a hostage-like apology video which began: “I’ve never said I’m a perfect person nor pretended to be someone I’m not. I’ve said and done things I regret. And the words released today on this more than a decade old video are one of them. Anyone who knows me knows these words don’t reflect who I am.”
“OK, let’s try and unpack all of that. First, he claims he’s never said he’s a perfect person—which, of course, is a lie,” said a chuckling Oliver, before throwing to the following tweet:
“Then he said he never pretended to be someone he’s not right before claiming ‘these words don’t reflect who I am’—which is absolutely absurd,” he continued. “They could not capture his essence more if they were spoken by a spray-tanned Furby eating KFC and screaming at a Gold Star family.”
Oliver then took issue with the GOP leadership’s response to the Trump video and his half-hearted apology.
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan released a statement saying, “I am sickened by what I heard today. Women are to be championed and revered, not objectified. I hope Mr. Trump treats this situation with the seriousness it deserves and works to demonstrate to the country that he has greater respect for women than this clip suggests.”
“Championed and revered? You do know that women are human beings and not pedigreed show dogs, right?” said Oliver, before mimicking Ryan. “Women should be looked after with the utmost care: thrice-weekly grooming, regular vet appointments, and then fed high-protein kibble to maintain the luster of their coats.”
“You hope he works to demonstrate respect for women?” Oliver added. “What are you talking about?! It’s too late in absolutely every way! First, it’s October of an election year, and second, he’s fucking 70!”
Then there was the initial reaction of Sen. John McCain to the Trump video, who said, “He alone bears the burden of his conduct and alone should suffer the consequences,” before finally retracting his endorsement of Trump on Saturday (McCain had previously stood by Trump even though the draft-dodger—who called sleeping around his “personal Vietnam”—had questioned the Vietnam POW’s war-hero status).
“Except no, he alone does not bear the burden of his conduct, because he alone did not make himself your party’s nominee. All of you have consistently supported him through some absolutely heinous shit,” said Oliver, before running down a list of many of the terrible things Trump’s said over the course of the election, from kicking off his campaign by calling Mexicans “rapists” to just this week standing by claims he’d made that the Central Park Five were guilty despite the fact that they’ve since been cleared via DNA evidence.
“All of you still thought he should be president,” Oliver said of the GOP leadership. “So the only way you get to be shocked and outraged now is if you were cryogenically frozen until Friday afternoon and that Access Hollywood tape was the first thing you saw upon being reanimated. Anything less than that, and this is on you too.”
Calling the contents of the video “entirely in character” for Trump, Oliver then aptly summed up the 2016 election, pitting the first female presidential nominee of a major party against the country’s foremost misogynist.“This is happening. And in a way, perhaps we’ve always been heading to this historic moment: the first female presidential nominee versus the human embodiment of every backwards, condescending, madman-esque boy’s club attitude that has ever existed rolled into one giant, salivating, dick-size referencing, pussy-grabbing warthog in a red power tie,” said Oliver.“I’ll put it this way: If American democracy is a computer game, and Hillary is completing women’s 100-year quest to get to the Oval Office, it kind of makes sense that this would be the final boss.”
