Kamala Harris’ VP Must Also Be Brat

Now that Vice President Kamala Harris has all but officially been named as the Democratic Party’s new presidential candidate, it’s time to speculate wildly about who she’ll choose to be her running mate. Already, people are hand-wringing about it being a swing state politician who can “balance” the ticket by being perceived as less liberal and more male and white.

Historically, VP picks haven’t had that much of an impact on voters. The last time a swing state running mate actually helped a president win a swing state was in 1960.

That means our first brat presidential candidate should actually prioritize a veep with whom she can appropriately vibe. Someone who can match her freak. Someone who is, in short, also brat.

So how do the most likely VP candidates (according to political analysts, who are never wrong) stack up in terms of their brattiness (according to me, one dumb-dumb who thought it would be fun to do this)?

Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro

Brat: Charli XCX has defined brat as someone who is “very honest, very blunt” and “maybe says some dumb things sometimes.” Josh Shapiro has been praised for his bold, forceful speaking style, which is kind of the same as saying he’s “honest and blunt.” He also wants Donald Trump to “stop shit-talking America,” which is technically a dumb thing for a politician to say live on MSNBC, but in Shapiro’s case it was actually very smart because it went viral and made a lot of people like him. And saying likably dumb-smart things is also very brat.

Not brat: Shapiro is the political “it” boy of the Democratic party at the moment, but this actually hurts him in terms of brat points, because real brats spend years doing the work before they get the recognition they deserve. Charli XCX has been in the music industry since she was 14 and this is her sixth studio album. Josh Shapiro just rolled up out of the Pennsylvania House of Representatives (2005 to 2012) on to the Montgomery County Board of Commissioners (2012 to 2017) on to Pennsylvania attorney general (2017 to 2023) on to a landslide victory for governor last year, and already he’s on the national stage. In politics, that’s basically a wunderkind overnight success.

Arizona Senator Mark Kelly

Brat: If Harris chooses Mark Kelly to be her VP and they win, it would trigger a special election in Arizona in 2026, which could cost Democrats a Senate seat. The potential chaos energy is very brat, and if Kelly were to accept the VP spot that would be even more brat because 2026 is, like, years from now, right? Brats are focused on having a brat summer brat now. 2026 doesn’t even exist yet.

Not brat: “Brat” is messy and fun. Mark Kelly is a political moderate, a Navy veteran, a former astronaut, and a self-proclaimed Second Amendment supporter who owns a gun but still favors gun control. Talk about balanced, and talk about two thumbs not brat.

Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer

Brat: I don’t really know how to explain why I think this, but to me the fact that Gretchen Whitmer has already said she doesn’t even want the job just seems brat as hell. She’s also the only candidate on this list who would look good in lime green.

Not brat: Being a woman in politics, Whitmer is used to being compared to other women in politics. For example, four years ago Joe Biden was weighing her for his VP pick against Harris, Tammy Duckworth, Susan Rice and Elizabeth Warren. But while Charli XCX has very publicly explored her complicated feelings about being compared to Lorde, to my knowledge Gretchen Whitmer has never worked it out on the remix with anyone. Not releasing coded messages to the world about how you really feel about your colleagues/rivals is gracious and respectable, but it unfortunately is not very brat.

North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper

Brat: Harris has actually known Roy Cooper for years, and they even worked together when they were each a state attorney general. So there has to be at least one time they disagreed and things got a little messy, right? Even if it was just something like, they couldn’t agree on where to get lunch? (I don’t know, I’m just trying to give the guy something.)

Not brat: Cooper has been in public office since the ’80s and has managed to win five statewide elections in years Republicans carried the North Carolina vote. That’s a solid political track record, but Cooper is also just kind of… whomp whomp. He’s not considered very exciting by analysts, and if Harris picks him to be her running mate I assume her team will be forced to spend a lot of time explaining to him what brat is and then even if he kind of gets it he’ll probably still wind up saying something like, “What if we brought back ‘Pokémon Go to the polls’?”

Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear

Brat: Before he was Kentucky’s governor, Beshear was the state's attorney general—just like his dad Steve Beshear! A nepo baby VP? That’s brat.

Not brat: Beshear speaks pretty sincerely about his Christian faith, and being brat wouldn’t be very Christian of him.

Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker

Brat: J.B. Pritzker legalized recreational marijuana in 2019. And true, “brat” has more of a molly/cocaine energy, but still. Drugs.

Not brat: According to Charli XCX, the brat aesthetic is “a pack of cigs, a Bic lighter, a strappy white top with no bra.” Pritzker is a billionaire, and as we all learned from watching Succession the billionaire aesthetic is Patagonia, unbranded black baseball caps, and non-ludicrously capacious bags.

Final brat rulings

Brat: Shapiro, Whitmer

Not brat: Cooper, Beshear

Borderline brat: Kelly, Pritzker

Alison Zeidman is an Emmy-nominated and WGA Award-winning writer and comedian. She’s written for TV shows including ‘Archer,’ ‘Full Frontal with Samantha Bee’ and ‘Adam Ruins Everything.’