Black Panther is one of my favorite films. Yet, I’ve always been troubled by the idea that Wakanda, the technological and social embodiment of the Age of Enlightenment, decides who its leader will be based on ritual combat. The ability to hurl your opponent off a cliff doesn’t translate into crafting treaties or intricate economic discussions. It’s good theater—bad politics. Just like the debates.
Choosing a president’s qualifications based on a debate is like beauty pageant judges assessing a woman’s intelligence based on her waist-to-hip ratio in a thong bikini. The skills required to bluster on a stage are not the same ones crucial to creating meaningful legislation, negotiating with international allies and enemies, or dealing with domestic challenges. It’s like trying to choose your brain surgeon by watching them bake cookies.
But Americans like competitive sports and so they insist on this sad spectacle. Do they hope for clarification about the candidates’ individual policies, plans, and promises? That may be a part of it but, like hockey fans, they are giddy for the inevitable fights. They want to see the gloves fly off and someone give someone a verbal bloody nose.
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I approach the debates as I used to a Muhammad Ali fight. There are three parts: The Hype, The Fight, The Spin. The Hype is the pre-match trash talk. Ali promised his fight against Joe Frazier would be “a chilla, and a killa, and a thrilla, when I fight the Gorilla in Manila.” Against George Foreman he waxed poetic: “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. His hands can't hit what his eyes can't see. Now you see me, now you don't. George thinks he will, but I know he won't.” If only DeSantis and Pence had the wit to rhyme like that.
But the debates aren’t about helping the undecided rationally choose a candidate. They are about the candidates getting a national stage to promote themselves. Some of them no one even knew they were running—and after the debate, some will disappear back into the Milli Vanilli mist of obscurity.
Republican presidential candidates Vivek Ramaswamy and Nikki Haley at the first debate of the GOP primary season.
Win McNamee/GettyThe Spin portion of the spectacle will continue for days afterward, during which each candidate will claim victory because they were able to get their gelatinous ideas out to the American people. Ironically, none of the American people will be able to repeat any of those ideas specifically, just a vague sleepy sensation of anti-wokeness, conservative values, something about something, blah blah blah. Like the wooziness when coming out of anesthetic after surgery.
The fact-checkers will power-wash the sparkly sequins from the candidates’ frustratingly vague and substanceless statements. As for the debate/fight itself, frenzied punches were thrown, eyes blackened (mostly Ramaswamy’s), insults hurled. Here’s my ringside scorecard (1-10, with 10 being best):
Ron DeSantis: Most cowardly performance of all because he refused to answer any questions directly, always pivoting to some canned slogans like “Reverse American Decline.” He spoke in bursts of anger, like a bully threatening us if we don’t vote for him. He claimed he wants to teach kids about the Constitution and Bill of Rights while actually undermining them in his policies. Score: 2
Vivek Ramaswamy: Tried to push his youth and his business knowledge. He thinks climate change is a hoax and promotes fossil fuel as the savior of our economy. I was shocked by how uninformed he is on, well, everything. T.S. Eliot’s poem “The Hollow Men” ends with “This is the way the world ends/Not with a bang but a whimper.” Ramanswamy is that whimper. He’s a man with no political experience and no substance. He’s proposed getting rid of Juneteenth. He wants to raise the voting age to 25, thereby eliminating many young voters who would align with Democrats. These aren’t ideas, they’re political pranks. Score: 1
Mike Pence: Pence came with his sleeves rolled up, ready to rumble. He showed a lot more spunk than ever before. He tried to justify his positions by telling us they were divinely inspired, with God as his co-pilot. While I appreciated his grit, his policies are paternalistic and outdated. He wants a national ban on abortion, which he thinks will be popular despite polls saying the opposite. Score: 5
Nikki Haley: Will Republicans ever vote for a woman as president (let alone a woman of color)? Maybe someday. But not today. Refreshingly, she blamed Republicans in Congress for spending too much. She also held Ramaswamy’s feet to the fire about Ukraine (which he wants to abandon), revealing just how scarily uninformed he is. She pandered to conservatives with her trans position, but came across as informed and intelligent in other issues. Score: 8
Chris Christie: Probably the most entertaining performer among the group. He has an energetic confidence, like Jackie Gleason as Minnesota Fats gliding determinedly around the pool table. He’s a political animal, sure, but he’s not evil like Trump and DeSantis. And he’s much smarter than both of them. His criticism of Trump had the crowd against him all night, but he held his ground. He even defended Mike Pence when he didn’t have to. Score: 8
Tim Scott: Kept repeating that he grew up in a single-parent household and something about “God’s green Earth.” That’s really all he’s got. His words evaporated into the ether as soon as he spoke them. Score: 2
Doug Burgum: Current North Dakota governor soon to be former GOP candidate. Came across as a folksy nice guy with a big heart but small ideas. Talked a lot about small-town values. Crime is rising? Small-town values will fix it. He seemed completely unaware of the complexities of foreign policy. Score: 2
Asa Hutchinson: Former Arkansas governor wants to prosecute Trump. But he also wants to ban abortion, which he did as governor. Preached about cutting government workers. Pretty vague on what exactly he’d do as president. Doesn’t matter. He’s already sinking out of sight. Score: 2.
Shakespeare gives the most accurate description of the debate: “a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is recognized the world over as one of the greatest basketball players who ever played as well as a committed social activist and award-winning writer. He is the author of 17 books and an award-winning documentary producer. He is a nine-time award-winning Columnist of the Year from the National Arts and Journalism Awards. His popular newsletter kareem.substack.com is one of the top read columns globally.
