With only 21 days to go in the neck-and-neck presidential election, The Daily Show correspondent Lewis Black returned Tuesday to deliver a rant to the nation’s undecided voters.
“We still have no idea who the f--- is gonna win! And that’s all thanks to one very special group of morons,” Black said. “Oh yes, undecided voters: the same people you see at the ice cream shop asking for 12 mini spoon samples. It’s a $3 cone, a--hole!”
Black asked, “How is anyone still undecided in this election? At this point, choosing a candidate should be easy. Look, it’s like a lube salesman deciding if he should swing by P. Diddy’s house—he has all the information he needs.”
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“But after almost two years of campaigning, this election still comes down to winning over a few dozen Pennsylvanians with carbon monoxide poisoning,” Black said. He showed a series of interview clips of undecided voters, all of whom talked about how they were still planning to do their own research.
“Go ahead, do your own research,” Black mocked. “Hopefully the library will let you huff paint inside. What are you researching exactly? We’ve known these candidates forever.”
Black showed some more interview clips of undecided voters, one of whom ended up making his choice based entirely off Taylor Swift’s endorsement.
“Even the reporter is like, ‘Can I please go cover a mass shooting? This is depressing!’” said Black. The only undecided voter who didn’t annoy or depress him was a young man who said he might not vote at all.
“Finally, someone talking sense,” said Black. “I’m tired of my vote being cancelled out by someone whose IQ score only makes sense in Celsius.”
Referring to himself as “the only Daily Show employee who works less than Jon Stewart,” Black gave a “special message” directly to any undecided voters watching:
“I want to talk to you today about democracy. It’s a big responsibility, a sacred right, and maybe not for everyone,” Black said. “Because if you’re waiting for a Kardashian to tell you who to vote for, go ahead and sit this one out.”
He added, “Sure, people have fought and died for your right to vote, but when those guys were lifting the flag over Iwo Jima, they weren’t saying, ‘Come on, fellas, let’s do this so someday a guy can fill out a ballot so the bubbles make the shape of a penis.’”
Black concluded, “If you’re undecided come election day, do the right thing: Don’t get out the vote. Sit out the vote.”
For more, listen to The Daily Show’s Lewis Black on The Last Laugh podcast.
