Locktober: How Giving Up Control of Your Penis Can Set You Free

Around 10 years ago, not long after he moved to New York City, CJ broke up with his penis. Cold turkey. The relationship remained mostly cordial, briefly seeing each other during showers and other cleanings. But for the bulk of CJ’s day, as he made breakfast, walked the dog, shopped for frozen foods at Trader Joes, and had sex with men he met on Grindr—CJ’s member was locked in a chastity cage and controlled by a keyholder.

“I was constantly aroused,” CJ told The Daily Beast. Ravenous, he explained, “Seeking dicks.”

If you don’t know CJ by his OnlyFans handle, CagedJock, seeing a cage bulge through his underwear can spark a queer curiosity. “People are always wanting to ask me about it and touch it,” he said. “And then they want to know how I do it.” But if you’re one of CJ’s more than 300,000 followers, and a fellow chastity enthusiast, spotting a “locked boy” in the streets can be a special kind of thrill, like finding the rarest of Pokemon.

“It’s a growing, very erotic kink,” said CJ, and men of all sexualities are joining the club to relinquish control.

As much as the digital age has brought us closer, the mating rituals of the world have never been more complex. Whereas once it was all about flexing money, power and social standing to close the deal. Now power is the deal, and you can pay someone across the country to control your pleasure and tell you you’re a good boy… or a bad boy. It’s a compromising position for most men, and adding a chastity cage ups the ante.

“They always say men have more freedom because when they are horny they can just stroke it out,” said CJ. “Well now when you’re locked and horny you can’t just stroke it out.”

In CJ’s case, being locked set him free to be more in control as a bottom. And once you divorce your dick from pleasure, everything becomes a tool for sexual expression, said CJ. Feet. Fists. Spit. Pits. One keyholder denied CJ an orgasm for a month and a half and supervised cleanings via FaceTime to be sure he wouldn’t disobey and pleasure himself. “You have to find a man to fuck you so you can get some sexual relief,” he said. Giving someone else the keys to your sexuality can be a scary feeling for anyone, said CJ, but this October many men will be experiencing this feeling for the first time.

Locked & Loaded

Just as Halloween decorations at CVS have become the harbinger of fall, an uptick in conversations about male chastity can only mean October—or Locktober—is around the corner. Celebrated by first-timers and long-time locked boys, men are challenged to stay locked for the entire month of October and abstain from orgasming. Some only make it a couple days while others boast months. In a Telegram group CJ created for his Locktober event in Brooklyn next week, one user boasted “165 days” locked.

With nearly 2,000 members, and locked boys flying in from around the world to participate in the event, the channel has also become a place where users can share tips and tricks for staying locked longer and ask questions.

“Does morning wood ever get easier when locked up?” To which someone replied, “I don’t want it to… I need the reminder I’m a submissive f****t.” Then there are questions about cage sizes and materials, which can range from plastic to steel (CJ recommends resin), and what cage styles make it easier to pee. “Is it a problem that I got most of my cages through AliExpress?” one guy asked.

It’s easy to spot the new locked boys from the long-timers because the veterans mostly just like to relish in the attention and show off their locked packages. Posing with coffee cups, behind conference desks and poking out from seersucker suits, if you squint, their cages look like they are wearing football helmets on their heads

On X, formerly known as Twitter, fans of gay porn star and content creator Eli Shaw have come to know him as being a locked boy. He recently breached 500,000 followers and celebrated the occasion by granting free access to his OnlyFans for a day, where he regularly collabs and creates content full-time. He also has a JustFor.Fans page as it is considered by many content creators to be more BDSM friendly for videos that show fisting, double penetration, urethral sounding, watersports and other BDSM play. Shaw said he started experimenting with chastity at 18 but got more serious about it three years ago.

“It’s been an interest of mine from pretty early on when exploring my sexuality,” he said, adding that being locked has definitely made his sex life “kinkier.” “I feel like many guys see it as a sort of green light to be rougher or more experimental with kinks,” he said.

A cage says a lot without saying anything at all and immediately shifts the power dynamics, said Shaw. “It enhances sex without need for any kind of active participation during sex, it can be scaled to individual preference (duration of use), and it can be engaged with either alone or with a partner,” he explained. “I like the idea of giving up control of what most men associate as their source of primary pleasure and being completely reliant on pleasing my partner in order to experience pleasure myself.”

Being upfront about his sub position has only made dating easier, said Shaw. “I personally haven’t experienced difficulty because I make it a clear part of my sexual identity,” he said, “but I think whenever you get more specific about needs or wants in a relationship you potentially decrease your dating pool.”

Last year in February, a Chicagoan in his mid-30s who goes by HimBull decided to fully jump into chastity with a cage. So far, the experience, and wearing a cage, fits him like a glove.

“It has kept me much closer to my kink and submission,” he said, explaining that it has also made him a better bottom. “Often I think guys who I have sex with recognize that this experience (sex with me) is going to be an exchange of power. The degree of that exchange varies based on their desires. By eliminating my cock, my pleasure ultimately had to come from them getting a sensation or pleasure (from them).”

For HimBull, the power behind being a locked sub also hits skin deep. The cage removes the expectation of the mythical “BBC” that Black men are so often fetishized over and changes perspectives. “Most importantly for me, I was ready to grow past the narratives that porn has set for Black men—this idea that we’re supposed to be hulking, hole-demolishing, dominants,” he said. “I had my time in that field but quickly grew tired. I didn’t grow up seeing very much gay porn where Black men were bottoms/submissives, and there still isn’t very much.” He explained that sharing some of his sex-ventures on X is a way to “create what I felt was missing.”

“Turns out, a lot of other guys like me have the same desires—to be objectified as a submissive or to be viewed as a bottom instead of the initial stereotypes that plague the industry and American culture in general,” he said.

HimBull shared that he has no desire to date, but he does have a daddy. “I’ve been collared (owned in submission) since November of 2021 and that dynamic is plenty of romance for me,” he said.

As for why it might seem as though more people are exploring dom/sub relationships and other kinks, HimBull believes it might have something to do with the COVID-19 pandemic.

“The time we had as a queer species during lockdown drove many to find innovative ways to normalize or feel attached to the things that we enjoy, like being a sub,” he said. “If you can’t go out and serve a dom, you can at least show off on the internet that you’re inferior and get the exposure/humiliation validation. It’s a special feeling when someone acknowledges that you’re a locked toy for service. Even if no one is using you, the acknowledgement can go far.”

He added, “I’m sure at some point the need for chastity will go away. As of now I don’t have an end in sight. Being locked helps to reinforce that I can still be desirable and have a very healthy sex life without conforming to what other people think I should be.”

With Great Power…

While there is some debate in kink circles about where the role of a dom can be donned and taken off like a mask, leather daddy Nathan, believes it is inherent.

“I’ve always had a tendency toward the ‘dominant’ side, but my practical experience with being a sir or daddy has really grown over the last 10 years,” said Nathan, who is West Coast-based and HimBull’s daddy and keyholder. “I think it’s important to point out that, like other expressions of sexuality, dominance or submission isn’t a decision I made. For me, it’s another aspect of my sexuality that’s inherent to my sexual identity.”

Nathan views the relationship between doms and subs like a math equation.

As HimBull’s daddy, he said his role is to facilitate, teach, and encourage submissives (boys) to be the “best possible version of themselves in the tradition of the leather subculture. “The better the boy, the better their service to me and to themselves,” he said. “One of the core principles in my leather family is to collar yourself first. It’s like putting on your oxygen mask before assisting others. No one can serve anyone else if they’re preoccupied with keeping their own shit together.”

His directives as a keyholder can range from giving them a daily routine to follow, helping them learn a new skill, to helping to navigate pain and pleasure. His goal is to always give orders with a purpose, he explained. “That means he trusts that I’m not giving him orders that might be dangerous or impossible to follow, and that I trust my orders will be followed to our mutual benefit,” he said. “Ultimately, he’s an extension of me; my training, my guidance, my care.”

When it comes to HimBull, “our dynamics are somewhat different than a more traditional dom/sub relationship since we live in different cities,” he explained. But the structure is there, he said. “When we’re together, he follows a set of protocols that we’ve set up for how he serves me in public (such as opening doors, getting drinks at the bar, etc.). When we’re apart, it’s a bit more relaxed, but he’s always in my service with projects or assignments I give him.”

He added, “There’s an intimate and loving component, and we are committed to each other, but not to the exclusion of anything else.”

Nathan said he doesn’t believe there is a rising interest in dom/sub relationships but more so a rise in acceptance, with the internet being a place to share ideas and show off. “‘Community’ is one of those red-button words that I try not to use very often, simply because I don’t necessarily believe that people who share a particular kink or fetish necessarily constitute a community,” he said.

Nathan said he feels a lot of exploration of kinks have been hindered by shame. “It takes a lot of self discovery and courage to challenge that shame,” he said. “I think chastity is probably more distinct because it sort of strikes at the heart of that shame by targeting the source of ‘maleness’ that society associates with power. It can be really scary to give someone control of your genitals. But from my experience, it can be even more rewarding to push that boundary. HimBull is a perfect example of that.”

Unlocking Misconceptions

A number of research studies have found that the old adage use it or lose it also applies to erections. Keeping your tool cooped up for long periods, like in a chastity cage, can lead to a weakening and shrinking of the muscles that help put the wind in your sails. And while that can turn some men off long-term chastity completely, others feel it brings them a step closer to being what they view as the ultimate sub: a woman.

In many male chastity forums, the words “cunt,” “nub,” “fag,” “fem” and “clit” are regularly used as terms of endearment to remark just how useless someone’s dick has become after wearing a cage for so long. Some express a desire to have their external genitalia removed so they can be “just a hole.” The implication is that anyone without a penis is weaker, but female identifying dominatrixes push back on that idea.

“I find people’s relationships with feminisation interesting, and I of course don’t agree with the statement,” said Charlotte Douleur, a London-based professional dominatrix. “The downside of patriarchy for men is a lack of space to be vulnerable. When men step into a feminine role within play I think it allows them to let go of patriarchy expectations of ‘being a man.’ But at the same time, within FemDom, women are seen as strong and superior. It’s quite the paradox. I think this is a huge question to be honest with a lot to unpack.”

Douleur views the keyholder role as transcendent over gender and sexuality.

“I think regardless of someone’s sexuality, what they get from kink can be similar,” she said. “To me, being a keyholder is symbolic of the control I have over that person. I own that person’s orgasms… not that I have any interest in ever allowing them to have one. To me it’s about taking away a source of pleasure from them, so they can focus on my own.”

For many of her locked subs, there is anal play. “Lots of men are open to anal play, and it’s a very common request,” she said. “I like to ask my subs about their sexuality. Most give a very unsure answer with a handful being straight.”

Douleur explained that becoming a dominatrix is something she has been imagining since she was a teen “but had shrugged it off as a silly or unattainable idea.” Then she met someone who was working as a domme and suggested she join a website that matches dommes with subs.

“I was on and off it for about two years before I met my first sub,” she said. “He was very generous and paid for my initial training, I’m still always taking further classes whenever I can, and at the time I didn’t really think I would launch into the professional world and was enjoying the lifestyle dynamic, but the job I was doing dissolved so I just went for it.”

From London, Douleur sees subs from all over the world, with many clients flying over from India and Sri Lanka and based in other parts of the U.K. “Currently all my clients are men and most are married or partnered,” she said. When they are interacting with her, she feels her job is to create spaces where people can explore their authentic self, sexuality, and deepest, darkest fantasies.

“Our sexuality is such a huge part of our identity and giving into our urges can come with a lot of shame and—vulnerability,” she said. “With this in mind, I guide people through exploring their kinks and have a particular interest in those seeking deeper psychological spaces through their submission, as well as devote themselves to me through servitude. It’s difficult to pigeonhole my style but my approach is about controlling and toying with a submissive’s mind, consensually of course.”

Dominatrix Rin describes her style as having more of an “edge” to it. She specializes in nurturing sadism with some blasphemy kink. Her dungeon, the Red Cathedral, is Catholic-themed. “I felt it would be very healing to have a place of feminine worship and self acceptance in a religious themed space,” she said. “Religion has done so much damage to so many.” She is even working on putting a class together on how to become a professional domme called “The 7 Steps of Domination.”

“I remember my first ever client looked like Donald Trump (but was of no relation I’m sure), and he wanted us to be a coven of witches who kidnapped him and put cigarettes out all over his body,” she said. “I remember wondering if I could do it, if I could hurt someone like that. But I’d never seen someone come alive in that way before. He was elated, and ignited (pun intended), and I experienced the deep release and intimacy of BDSM. That day I crossed the threshold and never looked back.”

Being Bay-Area based, Rin said a lot of her clients are what she calls “tech virgins.”

“No, not people who have never used tech; people who work in tech and have never had sex, or very little,” she explained. “I am the girl of their dreams and their wildest fantasy come to life.” And she is a keyholder with many, many keys.

“I have a little candy dish full of them that I have acquired over the years,” she said. “They experience so much arousal in my ownership and control of them. I always tell them to check in daily, to train their bodies to get used to it by increasing their locked up time slowly. I want pictures and tributes and they send this readily. In exchange I send pictures, videos and of course we session in person.”

Almost everyone is into anal play if they have a prostate and are coming to see a domme, or are at least curious about it, said Rin. In her experience, a lot of straight men revel in the thrill of being owned or being objectified because they are tired of being in charge all the time.

“In a way they feel cherished even if it’s combined with humiliation and degradation. They want to know I’m connected to them and they have a physical reminder wrapped around them at all moments.”

Rin has a theory about why more people might be turning on to kinks. “Yes, I think people are burnt out on sex, maybe a little afraid of it and want a unique experience with a professional,” she said. “Sex is a commodity that becomes so loaded once there’s a price tag on it, but it is the oldest profession. I don’t think humans will ever dislike having sex but I do believe it is a little disconnected nowadays, and people dont feel as intimate with each other when they do it. BDSM provides deep, emotional intimacy with attunement and limitless ways to experience that together.”

She added, “It’s like being facefucked, but in your soul.”