To submit or not to submit? That was the question I asked myself before going in to read for the lead role of Ashley in Showtime’s new late-night series, Submission. I did my homework before meeting writer and director Jacky St. James, and was really fascinated by her because of how she started her career, rising to be one of the best writers and directors in the adult industry. Upon meeting Jacky, I felt a connection, and I really understood what her vision was for the series.
But I was still hesitant, to say the least.
I had so many questions, and honestly didn’t know if I could portray this woman and represent the BDSM culture correctly. Some of you may not know this, but I tend to do projects that have a controversial nature (i.e. The Human Centipede films), so it wasn’t the subject or nudity that scared me. As an actor, I would be going through this journey with my character into the world of BDSM and becoming a submissive—something I knew nothing about.
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This is where my balls of steel come into play. I love being challenged and stretching outside my comfort zone, so I said yes. This role is not what people think about when they think of a women diving into the world of BDSM. It is not about a woman doing it for a man; Ashley is doing it for herself. She wants to explore her sexuality. She may be quiet at first, or restrained (no pun intended) in the beginning, but when she discovers BDSM it opens up this part of her and she is never the same. Playing a sexually submissive character like Ashley was powerful.
I had to begin by asking: What is it to be a submissive? How can I play this without knowing what it’s like? This is where a lot of research became necessary, as well as a BDSM consultant on set. As most people know, it’s all smoke and mirrors when it comes to filming sex scenes, which are actually the most un-sexy scenes to shoot. They’re very technical with a lot of comments like, “Wait,” “Hold that… no to the left… my left,” and “okay and kiss… kiss less.” You get the picture.
Now add the BDSM element. In the series you will see me restrained, spanked, flogged, blindfolded, vibrated, tied up with ropes, and so much more. I don’t want to give too much away, but what I just listed is actually vanilla in comparison to the other things you will see in the later episodes.
How was it playing ‘Ashley,’ and how did it change me?
A lot. Especially in regards to what I thought or didn’t think BDSM was. BDSM is not how they portray it in 50 Shades. I realize most of you know that, but I still want to stress that it is really quite different. It’s less about sex and more about having a connection to someone, while giving yourself over with all five senses. I was fortunate enough to have been cast alongside Justin Berti, who I honesty can say made me so comfortable as an actor. I trusted him to be my guide/dom. He also had the help of BDSM guru Aiden Starr to teach him how to dominate me. As an actor you have to be disciplined in many areas of your life, so I think that being a very patient, disciplined person helped me to portray Ashley in a very honest and realistic way. Being a submissive is an act of discipline—to yourself and to the other person. Just as a dominant must train, so does the submissive, as it’s not something I or many people naturally gravitate towards.
I won’t sugarcoat it and say that I loved all parts of BDSM. I personally don’t like to be held down or restrained, but playing Ashley means she doesn’t feel the same as I do, so it was very interesting as an actor to give my body over completely while I was in character. The first time I was restrained I felt strong, sexy, and even though restrained, I was still very much in control. Ashlynn would want to squirm and freak out and say “untie me” but Ashley didn’t—instead she took deep breaths, sank into the feeling of being dominated, and waited patiently for what came next. As my arms were stretched above my head and the leather straps tightened around my wrists, I felt free as Ashley. This was her. It was in that moment I felt her guard drop. I learned that restraints are not bad, and I actually felt free in them while in character. For Ashley, it was a way to let someone else take the reins and guide her into things she never knew she might like. I learned a lot about my body and how much it can actually handle. There is a very heavy scene in Episode 6 where I endured a very physical act of restraint. When we were finished, Aiden was rubbing my feet and telling me I am stronger than I think I am. That was a surreal moment for me. I felt empowered as a woman and actor.
I played Ashley very tight in the beginning. She is guarded, and it isn’t until she meets Elliot (Justin Berti) when you see that guard come down. A lot of people are in relationships where the sex is bad or just so-so, and they may not know how to talk to their partner about what they need or want.
Ashley is fortunate in the fact that she meets Elliot and shares this connection with him. She is hesitant to enter the world of BDSM, but also curious, and so she submits. I am very much like her, in the sense that I was hesitant to play the role but said yes and submitted to becoming her. So in this bizarre twist I felt I became a submissive to ‘Ashley’ as she was becoming a submissive to ‘Elliot.’ As she was connecting deeper and deeper to Elliot, I was connecting deeper and deeper to her. BDSM may not be everyone’s cup of tea, and I get that people will always judge, thinking, “It’s for people who are sex addicts and taboo…,” but it’s not.
I hope our show, Submission, can shatter that glass ceiling of false belief and show the world what it truly means to trust, communicate, and finally feel free to talk about what you want and don’t want sexually in a consensual and healthy way. Be curious with me and go on this journey with Ashley, just as I did to see what happens when one truly submits.
