These ‘Abbott Elementary’ Workplace Hookups Aren’t Going to End Well

This week’s episode of Abbott Elementary takes place after hours, giving the teachers an opportunity to be a little more PG-13—or even R-rated—on the show. We’re not talking about a little bit of cursing here. We’re talking about sex, violence… and death. (The death of CPR training mannequins, that is.)

Most of the Abbott teachers are participating in state-mandated CPR training this week, led by firefighter Captain Robinson (Mike O’Malley) and paramedic Avi (Karan Soni). Melissa (Lisa Ann Walter) and Barbara (Sheryl Lee Ralph) pair up, while Jacob (Chris Perfetti) and a visiting Janine (Quinta Brunson) also take a dummy together. This is pretty imperative knowledge for the teachers—naturally, they don’t really take it all that seriously.

It could be because Captain Robinson and Avi are participating in extracurricular activities with Melissa and Jacob, respectively. Melissa has been casually seeing Captain Robinson, which Jacob has heard all about, seeing as the two now (somewhat randomly) live together in Melissa’s home. Jacob is also hooking up with Avi, having recently broken up with Zach (Larry Owens)—although absolutely no one knows about Jacob’s private, new romantic life.

Even though the presence of some friends with benefits distracts Melissa and Jacob for a second, the real reason everyone falls out of line is because they all feel betrayed by each other. Barbara is so hurt that Melissa didn’t talk to her about her new boyfriend—but that’s exactly the point. Captain Robinson isn’t her boyfriend; he’s just her plaything. Melissa knew Barb, who is fairly conservative about sex and dating, wouldn’t approve, so she kept it a secret. Jacob only found out because the walls are thin.

Jacob, too, has been keeping his fling with Avi on the down low. Although Janine and Melissa are both peeved to find this out through Captain Robinson—who seems to have heard from Avi about the matter—Jacob didn’t see it as a big enough deal to share with his coworkers/roommate. So what? He’s just having a little casual fling.

Janine has a bit of an explosion at the CPR training when she also finds out that the district hasn’t approved funding for her librarian program. On top of the Melissa and Jacob revelations, a furious—but still hopeful, always hopeful—Janine attacks a mannequin and kicks it across the floor. We now have a new frantic scene that can be played side-by-side with The Office’s “Staying Alive” chaos.

Three Abbott folks get to miss the training due to the fact that they’re taking part in a panel for the school board led by new PTA president Tariq (Zack Fox). Ava (Janelle James) is participating in a conversation with Gregory (Tyler James Williams), winner of last year’s teacher of the year award, about leading a school. Mr. Johnson (William Stanford Davis) has been planted in the audience to ask questions that make Ava look intelligent in front of her sorority sister/rival Crystal (Tatyana Ali), a principal at another school in the district on the panel.

Ava, who has zero traits a principal actually needs to possess, and Gregory, who doesn’t perform well under pressure, fail to impress at the panel. Tariq literally keeps score, tallying who has the better answers, and the Abbott teachers come out at the bottom with a negative score. Apparently, you can lose while simply participating in a panel. Gregory and Ava are upset, but hey, at least they have this film crew following them around—if you forgot, that’s why the show is shot in mockumentary style—to shove in Crystal’s face.

It’s Mr. Johnson who comes out on top at the end of the episode. He may not know about any of the gossip of the teacher’s sexy after-school lives—although, knowing him, he sees all—but he is featured on a very successful panel about being a janitor after the principals leave the stage. The janitors are taking a stance against AI. Not sure how AI could take away jobs from…janitors…maybe Roombas? Alas, if there’s one person to convince us all about the dangers of technology, it’s Mr. Johnson.