After airing the second half of the never-ending Bachelor season finale on Tuesday evening, ABC should be paying our hospital bills for whiplash. Last night’s episode left off with lead Clayton Echard deciding that, despite begging finalists Rachel and Gabby to stay on the show during an excruciating Rose Ceremony from Hell, he still loved Susie most of all, for no apparent reason other than that she was the one that got away. You may recognize this logic if you have spent any time around small children, who famously always want the one toy they aren’t allowed to have.
Susie, meanwhile, was being held hostage in an airport Hilton in Reykjavík this whole time in anticipation of this moment. After an appeal from host Jesse Palmer, she reluctantly agreed to have a conversation with Clayton, in which she explained that their messy breakup left her humiliated and confused by his lack of empathy.
In response, our turtleneck-obsessed himbo apologized profusely, told her he would do anything to win her back, and said, “The second you walked out, I lost everything.” It’s an infuriating thing to hear him say when he spent the last episode tormenting the other women in his efforts to keep them in Iceland—after Susie had already walked out. Susie AKA Hannah Brown 2.0 did not definitively agree to give Clayton another chance, but nonetheless decided that it was finally time for him to develop a moral compass and send Rachel and Gabby packing. Because, you know, the very last thing he would want to do is lead them on.
Ever susceptible to producer meddling, Clayton did not consider that it might be a bad idea (read: horribly insensitive and disrespectful) to break up with the two women at the same time. “Through everything that I’ve done, I’ve done what I thought was best and followed my heart. But I realize that I’ve caused so much pain and I wish that I could take it all back,” he told Rachel and Gabby as they stared at him from a couch and mentally calculated how quickly they could be at the airport if they split an Uber. “You know I absolutely saw a future with you both and told you that I love you and I meant all of that. But I realized it’s not feasibly possible for me to be in love with three women like I said I was.” (You literally just said one sentence before that you loved them and meant it, Clayton, but OK, go off.)
Dry-eyed after telling them that his heart was no longer with them because it was with Susie back at the airport Hilton, he said that he HOPED THEY COULD FORGIVE HIM. Pardon the caps, but they are entirely warranted in this case.
Gabby once again eviscerated the ex-footballer within an inch of his life, telling him, “I’m pissed because I spent the last two days away from my family and my friends who actually give a shit about me and you don’t. I can’t believe anything you say, not one thing. You asked me to stay because you were pissed and your pride was hurt because Susie left.” Dumbfounded but true to form, Clayton asked if he could still walk her out, and she replied with a scathing “no” that sounded a lot like what she meant was, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Gabby for President!
Rachel’s reaction, however, was truly heartbreaking to watch. It was clear that the Florida-based pilot thought she would be the one walking out engaged, and for good reason. Mascara streaking down her face, she recounted how after the Fantasy Suite date when Clayton was shouting to the heavens that he loved her, she felt lucky to be experiencing such a rare, powerful love. How when she was the only one to stay by his side during the Rose Ceremony from Hell, she believed him when he said that fighting for each other would make them stronger. How the next day, heartbroken, she had to face his parents with a smile and tell them about how much she loved their son. “I promise when you look back at this, this is going to haunt you,” she told him. “The fact that you let me go.”
Proving himself to be a heartless narcissist once and for all, Clayton did not shed one single tear during Rachel’s Oscar-worthy monologue, essentially shutting the car door in her face as she tragically asked several times, “Are you really putting me in this car right now?”
But the episode wasn’t all bad. Gabby and Rachel were each given the opportunity to sit down in front of the live audience in LA and say their piece to Clayton having now watched the full season. The gist of the interviews was that there is no love lost between the women and their ex. Both were rightfully pissed that Clayton claimed to be Mr. Vulnerability, constantly throwing “honesty” around to justify telling all three women that he loved them while not being truthful about the fact that his feelings for Susie were always the strongest. Both got to have their respective “Fuck him! Girl power!” moments.
The episode could have and should have ended there, but the producers at ABC were apparently under the mistaken impression that anyone cares what happened to Clayton. Back in Iceland, an utterly remorseless Clayton prepared to propose to Susie, inviting her to “the countryside” in a Jane Austen-y letter that he, the man who used the phrase “feasibly possible” earlier in the episode, absolutely did not write.
He pleaded with her to give him another chance, and for one too-fleeting moment, it seemed as though all might be right in the world after all. Susie turned down his offer to try to make things work and told him it was officially over. In the words of Jesse Palmer, “For the first time in history, our Bachelor was rejected on the final day and he ends up alone…”
“...or does he?” Reader, he does not. In a depressingly predictable, tediously-teased twist during the 78th hour of this godforsaken finale, Susie materialized in the studio in LA to confirm that she slid into Clayton’s DMs after filming and the two are back together. She was only able to choke out the words “I love you” in a jokey accent, and she nearly fainted at Jesse’s suggestion that Clayton propose right then and there, but whatever, we wish them the best.
In the end, Jesse decided to leave us with some good news in the hope that it would make us forget everything Clayton and the producers put us through this season. In a historic move, both Gabby and Rachel will be the leads on the upcoming season of The Bachelorette. No, no need to question how it will possibly work to have two Bachelorettes dating the same pool of men at the same time—or start to panic that the producers are probably already plotting as we speak to pit these genuine friends against one another. Not right now. Let’s just enjoy watching these two lovely women hug it out and revel in the triumph of standing up to their mutual dumbass of an ex. Happy Women’s History Month, xoxo, the sadists at ABC!
