This week:
- I love The Bear and I don’t care who knows it.
- The silliest part of the new Indiana Jones.
- Spinning the wheel on the big new host news.
- Fall Out Boy started the fire.
- When Tom Cruise met Barbie.
Indiana Jones vs. the Subway
There were a few things I knew before seeing Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny—and, after seeing it, can now confirm.
The CGI de-aging of Harrison Ford is spectacular. I question the more insidious implications of how well the effects team were able to pull off this digital approximation, but it has to be said: Harrison Ford, you will always be hot!
The movie is also endless (derogatory); the two-and-a-half-hour running time is offensive and unnecessary. But the ending is one of the silliest things I’ve had the pleasure of witnessing on a big screen. I was genuinely delighted at how ridiculous the time-travel finale is. I won’t spoil the specifics, but envisioning director James Mangold, Ford, and esteemed auteur/actress Phoebe Waller-Bridge filming it with a straight face recontextualized for me the shameless power of money, and for that I am grateful.
But there is one scene that early reviewers have not talked enough about, which I am here to shout about through any speaker phone on any platform I can: the subway horse scene.
This is not a spoiler, as it happens in the first act of the movie, but there is a SUBWAY HORSE SCENE IN INDIANA JONES that, by virtue of its unapologetic ridiculousness and commitment to seriousness, may just be the pinnacle of any action sequence we’ll see this year.
Ford, as Indiana Jones, is living in New York City in 1969 and just celebrated his retirement, when his connection to an artifact leads to him being kidnapped by Nazis. He escapes them, in the middle of a Manhattan parade celebrating the astronauts from the moon landing. In order to further evade the baddies, he has few options: He must steal a police horse, and he must take that police horse into the subway.
From there, Jones and said horse gallop through the tunnels, evading multiple trains that would surely hit and kill anyone not protected by John Williams’ Indiana Jones score. The whole sequence is thrilling, and yet hilarious. It ends perfectly, with Jones tossing off a grumpy one-liner. I don’t ever endorse going to see a movie of this length, but, for this scene, it is worth it.
Consonant Professional?
Listen: I don’t know if Vanna White wanted the job of replacing Pat Sajak as the host of Wheel of Fortune. I would hope that, if she did, execs would have given it to her. But in lieu of that, we’re left wondering whether or not Ryan Seacrest is the right choice to take over the institution. (And we’re also starting a rallying call to give Vanna a raise.)
The thing about Seacrest being hired to host anything is: yeah, sure. It’s obvious. Seacrest hosts things. Is there any way to be more imaginative in hiring?
But as someone who has watched Seacrest host things for over 20 years, and who has watched other people try and wildly fail at the same job, I think we take for granted how easy he makes it look.
Based on how many celebs have flopped harder trying to host a game show than Carrie Bradshaw working the runway at a fashion show, this is a more complicated job than it seems. I don’t love that someone as problematic as Sajak is being replaced with someone who also has skeletons in his closet. So it’s not like I’d cheer this news. But an obvious choice is sometimes a good choice, something that Jeopardy! favorite James Holzhauer elucidated in this tweet:
Fall Out Boy Started the Fire
Every time I write this sentence, I still don’t believe it’s real: Fall Out Boy wrote and recorded a sequel to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” updating the lyrics to account for the nearly 35 years since Joel released the original.
The song is atrocious, obviously. But it is my journalistic duty to point out some of the most hilarious (abhorrent) lyrics:
“Oklahoma City bomb / Kurt Cobain, Pokémon / Tiger Woods, MySpace / Monsanto, GMOs / Harry Potter, Twilight / Michael Jackson dies / Nuclear accident, Fukushima, Japan.”
There’s also:
“More war in Afghanistan / Cubs go all the way again /Obama, Spielberg / Explosion, Lebanon / Unabomber, Bobbitt, John / Bombing, Boston Marathon / Balloon Boy, War On Terror / QAnon / Trump gets impeached twice / Polar bears got no ice.”
But then there’s the height of songwriting, a moment in music (and history!) I will never forget:
“Self-driving electric cars / SSRIs / Prince and the Queen die / World Trade, second plane / What else do I have to say?”
What else do I have to say?
What Would Zenu Say?
I would truly love to hear all of Tom Cruise’s thoughts on the Barbie movie.
What to watch this week:
Nimona: The best animated film of the year so far. (Now on Netflix)
Rock Hudson: All That Heaven Allowed: This is must-see viewing, in my opinion. (Now on Max)
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny: It’s not good. But it’s Indiana Jones. You could do worse. (Now in theaters)
What to skip this week:
Is It Cake, Too?: Sometimes, it is cake. That’s it. That’s the show. (Now on Netflix)
Hijack: If you want to watch 24, just watch 24. (Now on Apple TV+)
