It must be so humiliating to be an actor in Hollywood who hasn’t been cast in a Knives Out movie yet.
As casting news for the upcoming third film in the trilogy, Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery, comes out this week at a dizzying clip, one can imagine the phone lines at the big Hollywood agencies jammed with clients fuming over the fact that they haven’t yet gotten a call. With the ensemble filling out quickly ahead of a production that’s expected to begin shortly, writer-director Rian Johnson likely has dual status as the industry’s most valued figure and greatest villain. Actors are either setting up a prayer altar with his headshot all over it or sticking needles into a voodoo doll in his likeness, depending on how their bids to join the film are going.
We are, of course, exaggerating (mostly), but it has been a thrill to see the roster of actors announced for the film in the past week: Josh O’Connor! Cailee Spaeny! Kerry Washington! Andrew Scott! Freaking Glenn Close!!! And, it was reported Thursday, Jeremy Renner will join the cast, in his first film role since his traumatic snowplow accident.
Whenever there’s a casting spree like this, social media becomes its own casting department, imagining and dreaming about who they would love to join the hot new film—especially when it’s a franchise like Knives Out, known for its sprawling ensembles of quirky characters.
Who else would we want to participate in the new murder mystery alongside Daniel Craig’s Benoit Blanc?
There was a rumor online that Lindsay Lohan was in talks; if that actually happens, I’ll be the titular dead man they’ll need to wake up.
With this week’s absolutely brilliant season finale of Hacks fresh on my mind, I have no trouble dreamcasting Jean Smart or Hannah Einbinder into the universe. More fun, though, could be Paul W. Downs and Meg Stalter, in character as bumbling—yet surprisingly effective—agents Jimmy and Kayla.
Speaking of groupings, what if talk show icons, who happen to also be fantastic actresses, Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg, and Rosie O’Donnell are cast as some sort of triumvirate. (I can’t think of a better way to kick off Pride Month than with that announcement.)
Regina Hall should be in the cast, because it is one of my strongest-held beliefs that Regina Hall should be in everything. Jonathan Bailey should be in the cast, too, because I want to ensure my husband stays booked and busy. And how about someone we haven’t heard from in a while like Bonnie Hunt? Bonnie Hunt, where have you been???
If Johnson wants to satisfy the straight audience, maybe he can do something silly like make Mr. and Mrs. Met characters, who are plotting the murder of Gritty.
What if, to appeal to millennials, Benoit Blanc enlists the help of nostalgic detectives to solve the case: Michelle Trachtenberg as Harriet the Spy, Kristen Bell as Veronica Mars, and the cast of the live-action Scooby-Doo?
This kind of dreamcasting is fun because it’s utterly pointless, save for the fleeting serotonin you get when thinking about actors you love. Who knows if there are even more parts left to cast in the film. Doesn’t matter! I’m over here smiling to myself for three to four seconds each while thinking about some of my favorite performers and then moving on with my day, which, as far as afternoons at work go, is pretty solid. Geena Davis! Colin Farrell! Rita Moreno! Ted Danson! Kristen Chenoweth! Sandra Oh! Ellen Burstyn! That’s about 27 consecutive seconds of happiness I just had while typing those names out—rare!
I could do this all day. Give me a call, Rian.
