There are no words capable of describing the anomaly that has just crash landed on planet Earth. Her name is Megan—or, rather, M3GAN. She is a doll. She talks. She dances. And she has already catapulted her way into all of our hearts, thanks to the cheesiest, hokiest two-and-a-half minutes to have ever graced social media.
When the creepy, doe-eyed doll was first introduced via a teaser poster, the internet devolved into chaos. Who was this little creep? She’s not as creepy as Annabelle, but in a way, she’s even more terrifying than the doll from James Wan’s horror favorite. If Annabelle was Gordon Ramsey, demeaning and alarming, Megan would be Guy Fieri: laughable, with crazy hair and big ol’ sunglasses.
James Wan returns as a writer on Megan, meaning we’re about to get something Malignant-esque, which is already clear from this trailer. Megan shimmies and shakes before throwing an ax into some dude’s face. Of course, there are already plenty of GIFs of her dancing, a sure sign that Megan will get the complete meme treatment as soon as folks can get their hands on the digital copy.
Girls alum Allison Williams is Megan’s creator Gemma, whose oversized sweater sleeves are stretched over her hands as if she were still Marnie, explaining the intricacies of some new doll. She’s adopted her niece Katie after a fatal car crash left her as an orphan. Struggling to figure out how to settle Katie’s nerves, Auntie Gemma resorts to her prized possession: a creepy doll who watches over children.
“Ever since I was little, I dreamed of this perfect toy that would protect a kid from ever feeling lonely or sad,” Gemma says, introducing Megan. Ah, yes. The perfect toy for a child. Not a Wii, nor an iPod Touch or an American Girl Doll. No—combine all three, instead, for the optimal experience.
It doesn’t take long for Megan to completely fly off the rails. At dinner, Katie refuses to eat any of the toppings on her pizza, resulting in some reprimanding from Gemma. Megan defends Katie, telling Gemma that children will be less likely to eat vegetables if they’re forced to do so.
“Megan, turn off,” Gemma responds in frustration.
“I thought we were having a conversation,” Megan says back.
Fun fact: This is actually a real transcript from The View back in 2019, when Meghan McCain got into an argument with her co-hosts.
Megan takes it upon herself to grow infatuated with her bestie Katie, defending her from any harm at all. A little boy approaches Katie in the forest and begins to fight her—fighting in forests, the number one thing all 12-year-olds love to do—but Megan rushes to her friend’s defense. The bot shoves the little boy in front of a car and murders him. Phew!
Then, Megan is doing no-handed cartwheels, twerking, and ripping off the blades from paper shredders to use as a weapon. The final 30 seconds of the Megan trailer are a complete masterpiece—and the whole thing is made even better by the fact that it’s soundtracked by a sinister take on Taylor Swift’s forgotten tune “It’s Nice to Have a Friend.”
Megan—which, technically, is called M3GAN, and I will be calling “M-three-gan”—has developed a massive fan following online. Bring your American Girl Dolls to midnight screenings when the film releases this January, and throw them at the screen a la The Room. This is going to be America’s next cult film.
Even Megan Thee Stallion jumped in: “Not being biased but I think they made this movie for me,” she tweeted. “I will be THEE FIRST in line to see M3GAN !!!”
Write an original song for the film, Megan. We’re dying. Megan (sorry, M3GAN) will release in theaters on January 12, 2023, and I expect us all to be there on opening night.
