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This week:
- You won’t believe how The Crown handled Diana’s death.
- Dakota Johnson is memed again.
- The most exciting new project of the year.
- Countess Luann is a certified pop star.
- This photo gave me a heart attack.
The Line Reading of the Year
When a new movie trailer causes a stir, studios probably hope it’s because people are dazzled by it—not because they are making fun of it. In a strange way, the trailer for the new superhero film Madame Web sparked what could be considered both: mass enthusiasm, but over a moment that is incredibly silly.
The film stars Dakota Johnson as a woman with clairvoyant abilities. She enlists a group of other supernaturally talented girls to help her as she’s pursued by a villain connected to her mother’s past as a spider researcher. (Spider researcher… Superpowers… Do you see where this is going?)
It is that past, however, that is responsible for the now-iconic line reading in the exposition-heavy trailer. “I’ve seen that man before,” Johnson says. “He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders, right before she died.”
There is something about the matter-of-fact, monotone, almost listless way that Johnson says the line, juxtaposed with what a ludicrous (and specific!) piece of information this is, that ends up being hilarious. Johnson is a great actress and I think could be a refreshing lead in a superhero movie; here, however, she is delivering the “researching spiders” line with all the passion of an exhausted mom reading the grocery list to her husband over the phone. The flat cadence is like a SNL sketch making fun of podcast hosts, or the voiceover lady who reads the side effects in drug commercials.
The line was instantly memed, as one might expect, considering Johnson herself is a meme queen—the internet will not let anyone go more than two days without seeing a version of her “That’s not the truth, Ellen” moment. But this is the rare case where the memes have largely been very funny and haven’t gotten old. Here are a few of my favorites:
London Is So Lucky
It’s validating to know you have a brand, so thank you to the three- or four-dozen people who sent me a link to the news that there will be a musical opening in London based on the Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial. Genuinely, thank you. Several years were added to my life each and every time I read about it. It warmed my heart, like a jade egg in a vagina.
The musical will be called Gwyneth Goes Skiing, a man will be playing Paltrow in a blonde wig, and the original music will be written by RuPaul’s Drag Race songwriter and producer Leland. Here is the logline for the show, basically poetry that should win the next Nobel Prize:
“She’s the Goop-founding, Door-Sliding, Shakespeare-In-Loving, consciously-uncoupling Hollywood superstar. He’s a retired Optometrist from Utah. In 2016, they went skiing. On the slopes of Deer Valley, their worlds collided, and so did they—literally. Ouch. Seven years later in 2023, they went to court. Double ouch. This is their story. Kind of. Not really. But also, it’s at Christmas.”
More beautiful words haven’t been written.
I think it would be in service of our great nation for me to be sent to London to see this sure-to-be masterpiece. Who’s going to start the GoFundMe?
No, London Is, Like, Really Lucky
The lineup was announced for London’s Mighty Hoopla festival this week, featuring a delightful roster of current and nostalgic female acts that I would happily fork over money to see if lived in the U.K., actually had any money, and was young enough to last more than 30-40 minutes at a music festival.
The acts include Jessie Ware, Nelly Furtado, Rita Ora, Kim Petras, En Vogue, Eve, All Saints, B*Witched, Cher Lloyd, and…Countess Luann. You read that right. Real Housewives of New York alum Luann de Lesseps has legitimized her cabaret act to the point that she is now being booked for major music festivals. Next stop: Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Photos Need Context!
Am I the only one who saw this photo of the Modern Family cast reuniting and thought Ty Burrell had died?
What to watch this week:
Scott Pilgrim Takes Off: If you’re a Scott Pilgrim fan, you’ll love this! If you’re not a Scott Pilgrim fan, you’ll love this too! (Now on Netflix)
The Crown: Once you get over the Ghost Diana of it all (what a thing to have to type!), the episodes really are incredible. (Now on Netflix)
Saltburn: A movie that goes balls-to-the-wall. In fact, at one point, the balls go everywhere. (Now in theaters)
Thanksgiving: I learned this week just how many people apparently were dying for a Thanksgiving-themed slasher movie. (Now in theaters)
What to skip this week:
Best. Christmas. EVER!: C’mon. A title like that is just setting itself up for failure. (Now on Netflix)
Wish: Wish will have you wishing for a better Disney movie. Hey-o! (Nov. 22 in theaters)
