When a fire starts, most people strive to put it out. In the treacherous world of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, however, a fire is most typically joined by a series of others, filling the entire room with inextinguishable flames. In layman’s terms, The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is an inferno, and it shows no signs of stopping.
Four episodes in, Season 5 of the series has served as victorious proof that the best show on TV will not be ceding its spot. Alliances have shifted so massively week-to-week that the only consistent expectation is to have no idea what happens next.
After a brawl that left friend-of Britani Bateman in shambles and Bronywn Newport on the outs with Lisa Barlow and Heather Gay, it’s a new day in Milwaukee.
Whitney Rose organizes a day that starts with a beer and cheese tour of the Miller Brewery caves, followed by a private dinner at the Harley Davidson museum, before a drag show at Trixie Mattel’s bar, This is It!
It’s the “best Milwaukee has to offer,” so she says, but Lisa has other ideas. Thanks to former bestie-turned-nemesis-turned-ally-for-now Meredith Marks, Lisa has learned that Angie K. and Whitney were conspiring to turn Meredith against her. She’s furious, so angry that she can’t stand the idea of touring a beer factory. She’s a tequila girl, anyway.
Instead, Lisa recruits the friends, Britani and Meili, to go curling. Whitney may have stolen Angie K., but Lisa has a woman in an on-again, off-again situationship with a Z-list Osmond on her side.
The passive aggressive conversation between Whitney and Lisa wonderfully exemplifies why they would never work as friends long term. It’s reminiscent of the Season 1 cast trip to Las Vegas, when Lisa refused to fly with the group and kept pretending she just happened to be there on business, simply because Whitney planned it. When Lisa’s demeanor isn’t fiery, she’s all ice.
Without Lisa on the brewery trip, the ladies are able to air out their grievances. Angie feels supremely upset with Lisa for icing her out amid her friendship with Whitney, while Bronwyn feels betrayed by the events of the previous night. Yeah, yeah, Lisa’s a bad friend. Same old song, join in if you know the words.
Yet, she’s arguably the Housewife who has had Britani’s back most throughout this Jared Osmond rollercoaster. Last week, Lisa drafted some great texts to give Britani the power in the relationship, and now, she’s helping talk Britani off the ledge after she received some master manipulator texts.
The little we know of Jared Osmond does not paint a good picture of him. It seems Mormon f-boys are the most evil breed of all. Next week’s preview teases that some Britani solo footage has made it into the final cut, which is such an exciting prospect.
Over at the brewery, Mary Cosby tries beer… for the first time, apparently. Every week, we learn a new fun fact about Mary. It was one of the conditions of her full-time contract, alongside her agreeing to attend events and stop despising her Earthly existence.
Meanwhile, Heather harkens back to the last time the ladies were in a cave, where they attempted a Meredith takedown. If you recall, before Monica self-destructed, the Bermuda trip was slated to be the end of the Meredith Marks experiment, and our resident backdoor gossip has found herself in hot water, once again.
Last week, Meredith let slip to Heather that there’s a rumor floating around that Whitney steals Alibaba designs and marks them up. Whitney is disgusted to learn this given she’s worked hard to uphold Prism for all three weeks it’s been in business, and she’s even more upset that Meredith hasn’t learned her lesson.
She’s right that Meredith’s M.O. to drop rumors and run is annoying. But it does seem like she marked up that Aliexpress item, and I don’t think anyone expected anything legitimate from MLM queen Whitney, regardless.
As the ladies head to the Harley Davidson museum, Whitney launches an attack on Meredith in the sprinter van, despite Heather’s pleading. The forces of the sprinter van are simply too powerful to withstand. Under the blue light of the van, Whitney scorches Meredith for going to everyone but her with this damaging rumor, which Meredith stands by.
Meredith has a jewelry company, and Whitney never asked for advice in starting her own. So how should Meredith be responsible for rumors she propagated and made sure would appear on camera? What was Meredith supposed to do, plead the fifth like all the New York Housewives did when asked about Rebecca Minkoff’s ties to Scientology? She has too much integrity for that.
All the discourse makes Whitney’s dinner gift of jewelry from her business a bit awkward. In fact, Lisa jumps in to air out her own grievances, cutting off Whitney’s little rant against Meredith, or “steamrolling” Whitney, as is the new therapy term. Whitney loves a buzzword.
“You feel steamrolled when I come to you with facts. Is that what you feel steamrolled by?” Lisa shoots back.
As is typical with a Salt Lake City fight, what started as a battle between Whitney and Meredith evolves into an all-out war between Lisa and Angie K. It’s time to scorch what’s left of their fallen friendship, otherwise the ladies would have to have a pleasant dinner. Nobody wants that.
Angie, protected by a gauche cross necklace and the evil eye, launches back at Lisa for expecting unconditional support. She is tired of being a sidekick, ready to go out on her own. But, in terms of The Substance, Lisa is the matrix and Angie is the other self. They are supposed to be one, and Angie’s resentment towards her has disrespected the balance.
Angie is the center snowflake. She no longer needs to silently blink and take Lisa’s “steamrolling.” Now that the two are on even ground, their friendship is shakier than ever.
Ultimately, Lisa is right that Angie’s been a fair weather friend in the context of the show, and maybe she should be more grateful to the person who brought her into the fold. Yet, in the context of reality, Angie has every right to feel disrespected by Lisa, who constantly pulls back at the first sight of friction. Their conflict resolution styles are so opposite, which has made things worse each and every week.
Thankfully, Britani offers the group a change from an endless night of fighting to announce she’s had an epiphany: She needs to end things with Jared. No one cares, because she’s delusional and will get back with him. They’re so rude to Britani, who has bled for this show in her four episodes as a friend. She’s one of those people who makes great TV but would be awful to be around in real life.
Tired of being the group’s punching bag, Britani shoots back at Bronwyn for continuously admonishing her. She wants to know if Bronwyn actually likes her elderly husband, or just married for his money and status. It’s probably not the best idea for Britani to keep burning her bridges with every cast member, but it’s also fair pushback, especially given how Bronwyn has inserted herself into Britani’s drama, time and time again.
And, despite Brownyn’s confessional that this is low-hanging fruit and she’d rather be insulted about her nose jobs, it’s clear it strikes a nerve. If you’re telling us which insults would actually be effective, clearly you’re bothered by the one that was actually said. Bronwyn has a bit of a problem where she’s studied the Housewives playbook inside and out, but doesn’t yet realize you can’t perfect such a spontaneous art.
Britani and Bronwyn are oil and water. They’re both approaching their newbie status in entirely different ways. They, like the rest of this cast, have major idiosyncrasies which make their ability to interact with others almost impossible. Every Real Housewife of Salt Lake City is an alien sent to Earth with the goal of making the best TV you’ve ever seen. They don’t have people skills. They don’t know how to dress normally. And they’ve never been able to put out a fire.
Sure, they end the night celebrating with a good old-fashioned drag show, but the damage is done. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City have burnt down Milwaukee. Soon, they’ll return to the icy womb of Utah, ready to continue setting the world ablaze with their wondrous presence. Next week promises further Lisa vs. Angie conflict, while Britani continues to pour gasoline on herself and scream fire.
