The Real Housewives ecosystem has grown so complex that the naked eye can no longer make sense of it. How could a plebe possibly understand the strategic undercurrent propagated by proxy wars, fanbase fights, and the 24/7 social media news cycle that has created a polarizing environment akin to that of modern politics?
Beverly Hills may consist of flashy parties and games of duck, duck, goose, but The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is an intricate world where no one’s honest about the real reason they’re fighting—until now. Dorit vs. Kyle has caused an imbalance in the biosphere, sending the entire environment into unknown territory. Suddenly, the fights aren’t buried beneath a load of subtext. They’re only hidden behind a normal amount of subtext.
The Beverly Hills ladies are off to Oceanside, California, for some fun in the sun planned by Kathy Hilton, redemption arc extraordinaire. First, she goes on a random drive by all the ladies to deliver them personalized suitcases, since invites are passé. She even brings a strange assistant in a huge hat along for the ride, just because she can.
Kathy also threatens the ladies with ugly bucket hats as a power play to check and see who’s the most sycophantic of the cast. No surprise, Dorit not only loves it, but she’s elated to wear it with her Chanel bathing suit! It’s so chic.
Before the ladies depart, Mauricio stops by his old house to see Kyle, where the two act like total strangers. Twelve years of marriage footage has completely dissipated, replaced by an awkward duo who have no chemistry or ties to one another. If this was my first time watching them, I’d wonder how they were ever together.
Apparently, though, PK has been sending Kyle “funny memes,” which is… interesting. What if they’re engaged in a torrid affair? Maybe PK is in a throuple with her and Morgan. That would make Scandoval seem like child’s play.
Kyle’s solo footage used to be slice-of-life scenes you can half-watch while folding the laundry or cooking in another room. Now, she gives us oddly haunting, quiet moments of a woman discovering her queer identity in her fifties as her status quo crashes around her. The Kyle Richards coming-of-age thriller will sweep the Oscars. Demi Moore, call your agent!
In Oceanside, the women are greeted by an off-brand Tom Cruise. We get not one, not two, but three separate confessionals about it, an excessive addition to a gag that’s barely fun enough to make the edit at all, but I digress. Remember when Camille Grammer hired a mermaid and all we got was a shot of her “really flapping around”? Slapstick humor talks, wit whispers.
Next, they have a beach lunch, where Kathy mistakes a stranger on a surfboard for a whale. Fatphobic maybe, but she didn’t use a slur this time. That’s growth.
Dorit is too busy trauma dumping on Bozoma to notice that slight, though. She loves her new emotional support coworker so much, making sure to inundate Boz with all the hardships going on in her life at the moment. Does Dorit know Bozoma’s last name? I’d err on the side of no. But she knows Boz’s heart. That’s all that matters.
The ladies follow lunch with a few beach games that are simply no fun. Whoever gave Bravo the idea that we want to see Housewives playing duck, duck, goose should be relieved of their duties. I don’t want to see that, nothing of the sort. If they’re going to play a game, it should be of the “Who would you throw off your wagon?” caliber. Otherwise, leave it on the cutting room floor.
It’s really the worst aspect of the Kathy return. After Paris in Love and the Season 12 slur incident in Aspen, kooky Kathy just doesn’t pack the same punch. Her character has entirely stagnated, unchallenged by a production team seemingly enchanted with her facade, and castmates who know better than to try her again. She is just a friend-of, of course, but at what point does she become more of an anchor than an asset?
Thankfully, past the beach games are moments of real substance, largely led by Dorit’s star turn. Even her getting lost in her anti-Kyle propaganda to try on some earrings is magnetic television. Dorit is the comic relief Kathy strives to be.
At dinner, Kyle makes a toast to Kathy, before the conversation segues back to Kyle vs. Dorit. It starts out in classic Beverly Hills fashion, utilizing a group setting to have a long-winded conversation full of subtle multitudes, before the facade totally unravels.
You see, Kyle isn’t just upset that Dorit said Kathy’s her favorite of the sisters at BravoCon, she’s also fuming that Dorit didn’t defend Teddi Mellencamp from a shady question at BravoCon. And suddenly, it all makes sense. From the Season 12 reunion moment where Dorit stood up for Kathy to the last reunion, where Kyle accused Dorit of pandering, Kyle has grown fed up with the RHOBH fanbase, taking it out on Dorit for caving to their cruel desires.
Maybe that makes this a proxy war of sorts, where Kyle’s truly feuding with accounts on Twitter with usernames like “kylesbangs” and “suttonsgrapefruitjuice.” That’s something kind of revolutionary, a true pushback against years of growing resentment against Kyle and the “Fox Force 5” (Dorit, Teddi, Lisa Rinna, and Erika), a group that formed in retaliation against Lisa Vanderpump and permanently shifted the Housewives ecosystem on its head.
What makes it even more interesting is Dorit’s insistence that it’s Kyle, not her, who lives in the comment section. As this alliance dissolves, years of strategy are being weaponized against each other. It’s all the more thrilling to see flashbacks to Season 10—when Dorit and Kyle bumped heads right away, then taking opposite sides in the FF5 vs. Denise war—and the glimmer of tension in Aspen, then-calmed by Mauricio.
The husbands are gone, Lisa Rinna is off doing Walmart voiceovers, and Teddi is busy having an affair with some horse trainer. All that’s left is the unfettered rage of two women who are finally in a place to make great TV as their lives fall apart around them. Kyle did say staying busy is healthy for her. Maybe a nasty feud is therapeutic.
That should leave Erika in a highly interesting situation, as she’s the only Housewife without an obvious team. She may be trying her hardest to stay neutral, but Dorit’s doing her best to make everyone give an all-star performance, informing Kyle that Erika doesn’t think the BravoCon slight is a big deal, either.
It’s a masterful move, not dissimilar from Dorit showing Erika Kyle’s text before the reunion. Unfortunately, Erika seems to be in a happy, healthy place far removed from her disastrous persona that emerged in Season 11, so it’s unlikely she’ll wade too far into the mud. On top of that, she filmed the after show with Kyle, where the two remain chummy.
Thankfully, upcoming episode descriptions promise that Boz will firmly plant her flag on Team Dorit, causing tension between her and Sutton, a proud member of the Kyle Richards alliance. These ladies are determined to give us a show, lest we start begging for the return of a real firestarter like Eileen Davidson.
