No Real Housewives are in greater need of some superficial healing than the cast of Beverly Hills right now. Last season, which feels like it aired a lifetime ago, was maybe the most toxic season I’ve ever witnessed from these routinely low-down women.
Lisa Rinna facilitated another schism between Kyle Richards and her sister, Kathy Hilton. Hilton may have called a DJ in Colorado a gay slur. Erika Jayne cursed at a literal child and doubled-down on being the victim in her ex-husband’s embezzlement case. And Diana Jenkins spent her one-season flop stint terrorizing Garcelle Beauvais and Sutton Stracke (and the rest of the audience with her lip-licking). That’s not to mention the racist bot attacks against Garcelle’s’s teenage son, Jax, that sprung from her conflict with Diana.
Given all of that, Season 12 may have been the most unpleasant season to consume in RHOBH history—and this show has covered a lot of dark and boring territory. Presumably, Season 13 is arriving in the fall instead of its usual premiere date in the spring to make us all forget. But these women still need to recalibrate from last season’s yuckiness. Apparently, exorcising Rinna’s menacing spirit from the group isn’t enough. They have to go on a spiritual retreat in the mountains with a indigenous healer named Eaglewoman.
Dorit Kemsely, a reliable ray of sunshine on this dark cloud of show, is in charge of arranging this healing session. We open with her and PK, doing their usual sitcom-couple schtick. Dorit walks in on her diabetic husband eating not one but two bags of Lay’s Chips. Meanwhile, the other women are getting ready and expressing their confusion over the name Eaglewoman.
When the women arrive at this retreat center, where they ostensibly stay for a half-hour, everyone can’t help but notice Erika’s strikingly thin physique. I was already prepared for what Erika would look like this season based on her last Watch What Happens Live appearance. Dorit suspects that she’s taking Ozempic. But Jayne maintains that the body transformation is just owed to “hormones,” whatever this means.
Moving on, the women all sit in a circle where Eaglewoman gives them sage tea and allows them to air out their grievances. Dorit is pissed that Erika said she and PK were headed for splitsville during a shady game at BravoCon. Erika maintains that it wasn’t a big deal. She then asks Dorit if her marriage is strong. And Sutton, in a confessional, fills us in on a rumor that PK had another woman in his car when he was pulled over for suspicion of a DUI last year. However, Dorit says they’re just fine.
Erika then morphs into Joan Crawford and gives an Oscar-worthy apology for her behavior last season. And everyone mostly seems to accept it. Then it’s time for the world’s biggest victim, Kyle, to get some tears in. So she starts sobbing about how she didn’t feel supported during her ordeal with Kathy at the reunion.
As someone who actually believes Kathy and Kim Richards probably torment Kyle behind the scenes, I have to object. First of all, Kathy was the one in the hot seat fielding accusations during that entire segment. No one was really attacking Kyle for anything. It’s even more ridiculous that Kyle is saying this in front of Garcelle, who had no support while she was being taunted by Diana and Rinna. Kyle’s also shocked that Sutton didn’t defend her when she’s been a horrible friend to her that entire season. I can’t!
Everyone mostly just nods at Kyle, and Dorit gives her a hug. Garcelle asks Kyle why she was never mad at Rinna and Erika for their role in her fight with Kathy, and, of course, Kyle just goes back to blaming her older sister. They all decide to move on. And the rest of the episode is a lot less enthralling.
Sutton meets with her bestie, actress Jennifer Tilly, at her store. She talks about wanting financial freedom, even though she refuses to give up her rich ex-husband’s spousal support. And Erika meets with her therapist to discuss her regrets from last season and vows to “take the high road” moving forward now that she’s been absolved from any crimes involving her husband.
Then we watch Kyle and Dorit have dinner and compete for Last Season’s Most Traumatic Storyline Award. Kyle brings up her beef with Kathy again and how she didn’t deserve to be put in the middle of that. And Dorit quickly reminds her that she literally had a gun to her head when her home was invaded. She also says, following the robbery, that she felt disconnected from PK, who was spending a lot of time in London. She claims that they’ve moved out of the bad place they were in, but the trailer for this season tells another story.
Then Garcelle and her sons, Jax and Jaid, go to the beach where they complain about her lack of parenting over the past year. Jaid, in particular, seems to be fully over his mom being absent. One of my few hang-ups with Garcelle as a Housewife is that her personal life is way too normal and extremely uninteresting—aside from her eldest son, Oliver, who was causing trouble on the last season of Vanderpump Rules. If these producers knew any better, she’d be interrogating him about his marriage in this premiere.
Finally, we circle back to Kyle, who’s waiting for her now ex-husband Mauricio to get off of a very fake-sounding business call. She rushes him just so they can sit down and talk about how separate their lives are—although, it’s unclear whether they’re officially separated at this time. According to Kyle, Mo has been working non-stop, which probably includes filming his Netflix show Buying Beverly Hills. Meanwhile, Kyle’s in the gym all day, getting multiple tattoos, and, as we can probably guess, hanging out with a certain female country singer.
When Mo tells Kyle she shouldn’t get any more tattoos, Kyle snaps back at him like a defiant teenager. Apparently, she’s experienced some sort of vague awakening over the past year and isn’t taking anyone’s instruction. “I don’t know if it’s what happened with my sister or what,” she says. “But I just don’t feel like I have to answer to anybody.” Mo agrees but advises her not to be rebellious for the sake of being rebellious. Kyle says that she isn’t rebelling, she’s just “really clear.”
But the frantic look in her eyes reads “midlife crisis.” And honestly, it’s about time we see a woman experience one of those on this franchise. Even more than learning the exact details of her eventual split from Mo, I can’t wait to see Kyle fully unravel.
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