It’s the question on everyone’s lips week-after-week: What about Britani? The incomparable star of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City has made her grand return to the fold, blessing Mary “God” Cosby with her presence at an Aubrey Hepburn dinner party from hell. Except, no one cares that she’s there.
Like most icons, Britani Bateman simply won’t be appreciated in her time. When her work is excavated from the Bravo ruins in 2248, only then will people realize her majesty.
The ladies of RHOSLC are back from Palm Springs, nestled in the cozy winter snow of Salt Lake City. Finally, after four weeks of a divided cast, the group has gathered all together once again. But first, Lisa takes Heather to the infamous hat store/bar Kemosabe (of Kyle Richards fame). Who knew it was a chain?
Here, the duo discuss Heather’s absence from the trip, stewing over their growing disdain for Bronwyn. Heather may not have attended the diva convention, but she took at-home classes in the pursuit of “serving c---.” That’s something she and Bronwyn have in common: quoting gay Twitter. “This is not the Brat summer I hoped for” sends chills down my spine just to think about.
Meanwhile, Bronwyn sits down for a lecture from the school principal. Todd is disgusted by her immoral, haughty behavior on the trip, seeming entirely unaware she joined The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, not The Great British Baking Show. Bronwyn has championed herself as an alpha dog, but it’s clear that she fears the Toddfather, and that’s something that could greatly affect her Housewives journey.
It’s also the rare attribute to her that doesn’t feel entirely like smoke and mirrors. Todd’s presence is a grounding force to the unshakable girlboss Bronwyn looks to purport. We can’t just have the good. Give us the bad and ugly!
Next, Angie sits down with her actual father for some Greek salad, because of course. Angie is such a calming energy. Bravo could release four hours of footage of her vacuuming the home, and I’d slop it up like a good little piggy. I love her and her fluorescent house. In the sea of over-the-top plots and stories, it’s always nice to just get an unabashed, heartwarming solo scene like Angie’s, one that further pulls back the layers of our Greek spanakopita.
With the heartwarming display out of the way, RHOSLC goes back to doing what it does best: a themed party where everyone fights the entire time, and Meredith looks like she was run over on the way there. That’s the Housewives spirit.
Clip-on bangs at the ready, the ladies cozy up for a night of pure terror. The entire cast give their best Audrey Hepburn, although Lisa opts to channel a Bella Hadid/Mary Cosby homage, instead. Meanwhile, Britani shows up in Shania Twain cosplay, looking quite stunning… just not on theme. Here, she demands an apology from the entire group for not inviting her to their house for a routine playdate. What Britani is really saying is “How dare you all put my snowflake in jeopardy??” Little does she know that snowflake melted long before Palm Springs. Sadly.
Heather tees Britani up by thanking Mary for inviting the entire group to dinner, something Bronwyn neglected to do. Britani then hits them with, “So you guys look slightly tanner.” This girl definitely was left out of a sleepover in 7th grade and still has residual PTSD.
Britani further self-destructs by yelling at Angie for bringing wine to Mormon family night, despite the fact Britani’s a drinker, herself. And apparently, Britani has a third man named Hal on her roster. She’s building a very powerful rolodex of sweaty Mormon men whose love for fame outweighs their hatred for women.
Lisa’s excuse for not reaching out to Britani is “I wouldn’t have even thought to check in on you,” which, yeah, that’s probably true. Lisa buries this within a surprise defense of Bronwyn, which means the official “Who’s loyal to who?” counter finally got its first tick. Congrats Lisa, apparently you are the loyal friend here.
This only kicks off another round of Bronwyn vs. Heather, since Heather is still positively disturbed by Todd’s collection of Starbucks mugs. Oh, and the couple’s lack of a prenup given Bronwyn loves to joke about him dying from gout. Their duel is a constant fight of who can one-up the other, and the seething hatred always makes its way to the top.
Apparently, detective Bronwyn obtained Heather’s birthday—top-secret government information—to book her a first-class seat on the trip. And this is a huge deal given no one on earth knows her date of birth, seemingly. It’s the black eye all over again, except somehow even more convoluted. Oh Heather, you really are a glutton for fan punishment.
Heather doubles down, too, going after Bronwyn for the class war she launched when she booked herself in first class and the rest of the group in economy. It’s a fair point, really. Obviously Bronwyn didn’t want to fly economy either, and maybe she should have given the ladies a chance to book their own flights. And yet… it’s not exactly the argument you want to make when you’re trying to come across rationally. Maybe what’s cool about Heather is that she doesn’t care if she’s coming across rationally as long as she’s making good TV.
Against all odds, Bronwyn and Heather actually reach a point of neutrality. They are both such scary, cold creatures who are worthy adversaries. The only way to allow the rest of the cast any oxygen was to extinguish this argument until the next go around. This only further riles up Britani. She wants a sit down! She wants a kumbaya moment! She wants a snowflake! Please, give her one. Stop being anti-woman, Bravo. Let her voice be heard.
Unfortunately, she is silenced by the Greek mafia. Angie is still struggling with Meredith as a result of the Palm Springs podcast showdown, but Meredith is sick and tired of her “going backwards.” She just wants to move on and stop having to discuss the time she implied Angie’s husband is gay through a tilted head slur. Is that so hard?
The two get into a real battle of semantics before Angie steamrolls Meredith. Angie not only has the Greek mafia and the entire queer community on her side, but she has Whitney Drew, too. Dolled up like Dakota Fanning in Uptown Girls, Whitney snatches Meredith’s phone out her hand to “turn the volume up,” but instead, it turns up the heat.
Angie and Meredith launch into a full-on screaming match, leading Mary to demand they calm down or get out of her house. This is the last straw for Meredith, who breaks down in tears and leaves. And finally, we’ve entered the Mary vs. Meredith arc. This season is so fluid that every fight truly just segues into another, creating a perfect storm of chaos. From Whitney vs. Lisa kicking off Angie vs. Lisa, to Bronwyn vs. Heather launching Bronwyn vs. Lisa, and finally, Angie vs. Meredith setting the stage for this final battle, we’ve seen it all.
Of course, that can only leave us to wonder… What about Britani? Everyone hates the pretty girl.
