As the world of reality TV has grown increasingly polished, The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City has effectively formed an island of its own where moral dilemmas go to die. It’s almost impossible to find a voice of reason, someone who truly embodies exemplary behavior, as even our most self-aware Housewives can’t fight the currents of this bizarre reality.
In Salt Lake City, everyone’s so wrong that they almost all flip around to being right. Now that Season 5 hits the halfway point, the entire cast have reached a devastating crossroads—and yet, they just keep driving into the unknown. It’s all gas, no brakes.
Of the many ways RHOSLC continues to defy gravity, consider this: Tonight’s episode is the first in series history with no appearance from Heather Gay. Our Bad Mormon is in hibernation, waiting in the wings to give another astute end-of-season monologue (if the midseason trailer’s any indication), while the screaming banshees continue their relentless battle.
While Mary opts out of the trip as well, we check in with her for a truly chilling solo scene. It’s been years since Bravo solo footage felt so invasive and harrowing, harkening back to the early days of Orange County. On paper, the scene of Robert Jr. and his wife eating pastry in bed isn’t that wild, but the actuality of it is more disturbing than anything I’ve ever seen.
Back in Palm Springs, Lisa is at war with the entire cast and all of their husbands, at this point embodying that one video of Meg from Family Guy successfully battling a dozen people in a cafeteria. While Heather’s takedown is a more slow-mo operation, Lisa simply spends every day in a constant fight for her life.
“It feels like it’s nonstop. It’s like: Lisa breathes; she did something wrong. Lisa sneezes; she did something wrong. What next? Whose turn is it to yell at Lisa?” knight in shining armor John Barlow says in a confessional, proving he’s a true sycophant for his nutty wife.
Having narrowly survived being ousted from the trip, Lisa enters lunch as brazen as ever, ready to remind the ladies exactly why they can’t kick her out. There would be no show! To be fair to Todd, though, that’s probably his ideal situation.
First, Lisa skewers Whitney for lying about her, not only doubling down, but throwing another jab at Justin, too. Then, she rebuffs Angie and Shawn’s attempt to scold her for her “abusive” behavior toward Angie. Lisa is not sorry for that, of course, nor does she offer a true apology. When faced with the wrath of three couples, Lisa simply radiates in the presence of their hate. Fear only makes her stronger.
That night, the ladies celebrate Bronwyn and Todd’s anniversary with a series of pot-stirring games and convoluted conversations. It’s not quite a vow renewal curse, but this trip celebrating their “love” feels an awful lot like a precursor to Bronwyn celebrating a divorce.
Nothing says love like “lucky for me, Todd travels a lot.” When your marriage is sparking red flags in Meredith Marks, renowned relationship expert of the now-defunct Hanging By a Thread podcast, it’s not a good sign. Maybe, the reason Bronwyn was so mad that Heather allegedly called her a gold-digger and clocked her lack of a prenup is because she doesn’t want to give Heather a win when the inevitable divorce hits. Or maybe Bronwyn loves her husband and just doesn’t know how to express human emotions. It could really be either.
While a silent straggler couple joins the group for dinner, they don’t get to participate in the Bravo-mandated games. Sorry to them. I’d love to know who their least favorite person is at the table.
That’s the best Bravo-based question since last season’s “Who would you throw off your wagon?,” allowing these stars to calmly and collectively announce who they plan to feud with in the final half of the season. It’s a little storyboarding session, really.
And, although Whitney somehow still hates Meredith more than Lisa, she opts for a second duel with Baby Gorgeous. Of course, Lisa doesn’t back down from another chance to serve, as her effervescent, wind-swept energy continues to stun so powerfully that she gets an apology out of Whitney’s husband through sheer stubbornness.
The husband drama continues amping up with the most random feud of all: Meredith vs. Shawn. As you may recall, Meredith allegedly implied that he may or may not be a closeted gay man with a plethora of boyfriends, although she’s as insistent as ever that that never happened.
Apparently, Shawn went on a podcast—the root of all evil—and claimed Meredith shielded herself from her homophobic behavior by pointing to her own gay son, Brooks. Maybe he has a point, as it’s hard to argue Meredith was acting with love and respect by throwing out those allegations last year.
The actual quote’s a nothingburger, but Meredith didn’t listen to that podcast. No one has ever listened to a podcast or read an article on Bravo. There’s never a burden of proof.
Still, Meredith’s husband Seth pulls up an article from one of those random Housewives blogs that allegedly proves Shawn insulted Brooks—despite the actual quote showing how innocuous a comment he actually made. Seth then calls Whitney a “bi-otch,” which simply is sure to create heinous Housewives discourse for weeks to come. He’s got the receipts, proof, timelines, and screenshots—and with that has embodied the cast trip curse of Heather Gay. For 40 days and 40 nights, Seth must suffer the wrath of Twitter warriors.
This entire fight is so bizarre that it’s amazing. Something about Shawn’s relative normality contrasting against Meredith’s transatlantic slurring scratches a wonderful itch. Dare I say, they lowkey have chemistry, too. Like, I watched this whole scene wondering if they’re going to kiss. That’s 98 percent because I’m unwell, but there’s a sliver of reality to it all, if you just believe.
Next, Angie tries to offer an amuse bouche by bringing up how Bronwyn’s daughter has reconnected with her grandparents, only to learn that is not, in fact, the case. Todd immediately shuts the conversation down, interrupting Bronwyn’s ramble at least four times. The embarrassment on Bronwyn’s face is palpable, and it’s finally something real.
When Bronwyn cuts out those overlong confessionals about how kooky these ladies are and how silly she is, she’s actually interesting. Vulnerability is the key to longevity in any long standing Housewife—especially for those whose natural humor can’t compete with her castmates, as is the case for her. Bronwyn seems like she joined this show to shed herself of her current skin. I just know divorced Bronwyn is going to prove that every Braunwyn that comes Bravo’s way is destined for a sophomore psychosis.
The next day, Bronwyn and Lisa attempt to hash out their issues, once and for all, at the race tracks. The overstimulation of these cars zipping and zapping while the ladies try to talk feels like one of those TikTok videos where there’s a pimple popping video in one corner, presidential debate at the bottom, and Subway Surfers up top. It is simply too much.
So, they give up, waiting until they arrive home to fight with no distractions. By the pool, the duo continues to have the conversation they’ve had all season. Bronwyn begs for Lisa to support her unconditionally, while Lisa continues pulling back from Bronwyn knowing full-well that the friend she brought on this show has become a liability.
“I am open to the idea that in Lisa’s mind, I am the problem and she’s not just some crazy, vicious, two-faced b---h who’s awful to other women, right?” Bronwyn says in a smug confessional, kind of hitting the point home. She’s just too excited by Lisa being a bad friend. Bronwyn never wanted Lisa to be loyal to her, nor did she ever plan to be loyal to Lisa. She does not like her! And that’s okay—but it destroys her argument’s credibility.
At the end of the day, yeah, Lisa thinks Bronwyn’s two-faced. She likes Heather more and agrees with Heather’s interpretation. And it’s the kind of thing where, in the moment, Bronwyn is winning the battle, but she has to consider: Will she even have troops to fight the war? She’s coming from a much different angle than Monica, but it’s not hard to imagine her ending on her own, just the same.
After all, her eagerness to expose Lisa is hilarious when it’s abundantly clear Lisa will sabotage herself. Just look at the final five minutes, where Lisa short-circuits over flying economy on a 65-minute flight, “none of the accouterments.”
“Oh my God. I’m in 17C. Look. I am in 17C,” will reverberate through my mind for many moons to come. If this plane is actually that small, first class probably scores you three extra inches of chair and a free cookie, maybe, if you’re lucky. And yet, her meltdown is funny, while Bronwyn’s “this is not the Brat Summer I hoped we were headed toward” is not. It’s aggressively unfunny. We need a moratorium on Bronwyn confessionals until we can solve this ever-growing crisis.
Sorry to say, as the Heather takedown is well-timed and well-deserved, but not everyone has what it takes to be the show’s Greek chorus. That is Ms. Gay’s role, for better or for worse.
