‘The Bachelor’ Recap: A Meltdown in Malta

(Warning: This post contains spoilers for The Bachelor Season 28, Episode 5.)

Some of us might be foolishly dedicated to the idea that words must have meaning, but for weeks on Joey Graziadei’s season of The Bachelor, certain cast members have been working to prove that wrong.

First, there was Madina Alam claiming she’d been “bullied” after Maria Georgas repeatedly asked her to share who’d been gossiping behind her back. Then, the gossiper herself, Sydney Gordon, told Joey that Maria had “verbally attacked” her when, in fact, all Maria had done was tell her to mind her business. Now, we have Lea Cayanan, who reacted to Maria leaving a room crying by scoffing that she’d “stormed” out. Why is it that when anyone in this season seems to be playing word games, Maria turns out to be the target?

This week, ABC commemorated Valentine’s Day with a two-night Bachelor drama extravaganza. On Monday, the eye of that storm was a dreaded, inevitable two-on-one date in which Joey weighed his feelings for both Sydney and Maria and ultimately (correctly) sent Sydney packing. One might’ve hoped that decision could let us all move on and enjoy the show’s journey to Malta, but alas, Sydney’s friends apparently had other plans. Now that she’s gone, her BFF’s—Lea and Night One villain Jess Edwards—have decided to make like we’re in middle school and carry on her vendettas in her honor. Oh, great...

It’s hard to overstate how awful this season has been for Maria, and unless we at home have missed some horrible scene, it seems like everyone’s been on her case for virtually no reason. For the record, the worst thing we’ve seen her do is... [checks notes] say that at age 31, Madina is not very old. Did we miss some moment when Maria told everyone off before setting the room on fire? Is that why Sydney wouldn’t stop talking about how she needed to take “accountability,” and why Lea now says she needs to answer for her conduct? Whatever the reason, the women’s treatment of her has been relentless, and this week, it brought her to tears as she told producers that she wanted to go home.

Maria already had a rose coming into our first rose ceremony on Tuesday, which sent home entrepreneur Edwina Dorbor and real estate agent Allison Hollinger. Afterward, to soothe the ensuing heartache, we got some good news: Already, it’s time for another trip, this time to the south of Spain. Lea, however, was not finished harping on Maria. “If you were so ready to leave after a little bit of conflict,” she sneered in a confessional conversation with producers, “are you really here for Joey?”

Once the group landed in Spain, Kelsey Anderson, a junior project manager from New Orleans, got the first one-on-one date. She and Joey wandered the streets of a small municipality called Ronda, discussed her love for art and wine nights at her place, and their shared desire to travel. They even found a supposedly magic fountain, which is really all anyone can ask for on a vacation. On a more serious note, Kelsey also opened up about losing her mother suddenly to cancer 10 years ago, and after getting to know her better, Joey gave her the date rose.

Meanwhile, another Kelsey—Kelsey Toussant, the “Kelsey T.” to Anderson’s “Kelsey A.”—has clearly started to feel the toll of her growing feelings for Joey. After winning the group date rose last week, it seems Kelsey T. wants to be the only Kelsey for Joey, which is an understandable aspiration. “It’s tough, because I feel something, and when I feel that—I haven’t felt that in God knows how long,” she told producers. “It’s just tough. It’s so tough.”

Next up, it was time for an artsy group date. The challenge was simple—each of the women had to think of a statement describing their feelings for Joey and then find a way to convey it through art. Whoever’s magnum opus got the message across clearest would win. Maria painted “The Storm Before the Calm,” alluding to her wretched two-on-one date, while Lea painted some genuinely gorgeous hibiscus flowers. But it was Jess who wound up taking the prize with a very straightforward painting of a pair of engagement rings. Sometimes, it’s best to just come out and say what you want.

“She will never end up with him,” Lea said as Joey and Jess ran off to paint one another’s bodies with their hands, “but one can be delusional.”

Imagine Lea’s shock when Maria—not her or Jess—got the group date rose. After spending half the episode complaining about Maria’s presence, that had to sting.

For all that bitterness, Joey’s next two-on-one date with 26-year-old ICU nurse Rachel Nance was utterly sweet. More delightful for all of us at home, it also featured Joey wearing high-heeled boots and shorts. (Word to the wise, gentlemen: If you’re going on a flamenco date, you might want to wear long pants, so as to avoid looking like a charming little lad in little boots. That said, Joey actually pulled the look off pretty well!) At dinner after their flamenco recital, the two discussed how complicated it can be for Rachel to date as a nurse, given her dedication to her job and the hours it demands.

Joey seems really into Rachel; even if she is, as she describes it, “a slow burn,” he says he’s “all in.” If anything, his problem this season might just be that he’s connecting too well with too many women, all of whom are going to be devastated when he inevitably must pick only one.

Sadly, we simply could not go out on a high note. Tuesday’s episode included two rose ceremonies, since the first was delayed from last week. During the lead-up to our second round of eliminations, Maria managed to make her nemeses in the house even angrier. Although she’d already won a rose during her group date, she decided to “steal” Joey for a second during the cocktail hour. Radiochemist Katelyn DeBacker didn’t seem too angry when Maria cut in on her time, but when Jess and Lea found out about it, all hell broke loose.

Jess descended into tears, shocked that Maria would steal time even though she already has a rose. Never mind that this is a person who pulled the “can I steal you for a second?” move not once but twice on Night One. ... Or that it was her who bragged to a room full of women that she’d already kissed the Bachelor when some of them had not yet shared one conversation with him. In her eyes, Maria is now the bad guy.

While Lea comforted the woman she’d described as “delusional” just minutes before, I couldn’t help but remember that moment on Monday when Lea called Madina out for being nice to Maria even though she was friends with Sydney. She called the kindness a “switch up” and tried to frame it as somehow manipulative, which, in the context of this moment, feels... interesting! Then again, Lea is probably just acting like a typical 23 year old in a stressful, hyper-competitive environment.

In the end, Madina and Autumn both went home, and with that, Joey announced yet another trip is on the horizon, this time to Montreal. Maybe Maria will have a better, friendlier time now that we’re headed back to her home and native land. If the season previews are any indication, however, the mayhem this season is just getting started.