Behold, the Dumbest Feud in ‘The Bachelor’ History

(Warning: This post contains spoilers for The Bachelor Season 28, Episode 3.)

How do you solve a problem like Maria? If you happen to be Joey Graziadei, star of The Bachelor, the answer is evidently that you don’t—you just leave all the tension hanging in the air until next week.

On Monday night, Bachelor Nation bore witness to what might actually be the silliest conflict in the show’s history. Actually, if I’m being honest, this might be the most nonsensical feud of all time in reality television. At this point, we could all use a glass of champagne.

The drama started last week, when mental health therapist Madina (31) said she believed she was being sidelined because she’s older than our 28-year-old, tennis-playing Bachelor. It was then that the Canadian firecracker Maria dropped a comment that lit the whole place ablaze: She dared—no, deigned—to suggest that Madina is not, in fact, that old. Furthermore, she added that as a 29-year-old, she, too, would qualify as “old,” if all that means is being more advanced in years than our leading man.

Mind you, Madina was not present for any of Maria’s comments; it was another cast member, the vintage store owner Sydney, who heard them and subsequently decided that she just had to tell Madina about Maria’s supposedly insensitive words. Last week, Maria called this the “dumbest fight in Bachelor history,” and frankly, she’s absolutely right. Seriously, what are we even talking about here?

Unfortunately, this misunderstanding dominated much of Monday’s episode and already seems bound to come back next week, because our boy Joey doesn’t trust his instincts.

For the first few minutes, at least, this week’s episode felt like business as usual. We got a cringe-worthy pageant that at least brought back some Golden Bachelor alums, and Maria, to her credit, called Joey out for hosting a whole pageant only to pick the girl who made out with him as the winner. (I mean, well done, Lexi, I guess—sometimes the oldest maneuver in the book still works.) Ultimately, Kelsey A. took home the group date rose, which at least redeems Joey a little. These two have been vibing since last week, and she’s already looking like one of the frontrunners for this season.

Naturally, however, we couldn’t make it through the cocktail hour without this whole age debacle making its way to Joey.

Even though she was not there for the comments, and although Maria thought she’d already smoothed things over with the group, Madina decided that she needed to tell our Bachelor about the whole thing. Why? Because apparently, when Maria demanded to know who’d been gossiping about her, Madina felt “bullied.” I’m sorry, what?!

Of course, Madina has the right to her own feelings. If she believes that she’s getting less time than the other women this season because of her age, that’s valid. (Given that this show casts mostly early-to-mid twenty-somethings and still occasionally calls its contestants “girls,” that assumption would be pretty fair.) Furthermore, if Madina feels like Maria was being pushy in asking to know who was sharing her words behind her back, that’s equally understandable. Still, as Maria pointed out at the cocktail hour after Joey addressed the drama with the group, “bullying” is a strong word, and in this case, it’s just inaccurate.

Madina never named Maria, and she insisted that she never actually called her a bully; she only told Joey that she “felt” bullied. But even that felt like a fundamental misunderstanding of what bullying actually is. One could say that Maria was badgering Madina to name the interloper last week, or harassing her, or pestering her, but at no point did she belittle her—and in a place like the Bachelor Mansion, allegations like “bullying” might as well be poison.

Maria and Madina actually patched things up pretty quickly, but Sydney, the original instigator, was absolutely not done creating a rancid environment. When Maria tried to clarify things with Madina after Joey confronted the group, Sydney interjected to say she “also felt bullied as well,” prompting Maria to cut her off and point out that she started the whole thing. Sydney, in turn, acted offended and said she had to “walk away from this situation” that she herself created because she was “done feeling attacked tonight” and tired of “being in this negative environment.” Oh… kay…

In case we needed help sussing out who the real problem child is in this situation, multiple women in the house—including Edwina and Allison—denied that Maria was a bully. As Edwina put it, “To understand Maria, you just have to know she’s always going to come straightforward to you.” From your lips to Joey’s ears, Edwina!

After that disastrous group date, we dove into the week’s first one-on-one date, this time with the aspiring physician’s assistant Jenn. She and Joey enjoyed a wonderful, sun-soaked day of surfing and making out on the beach before an intimate dinner where she opened up about her difficult relationship with her father. Ultimately, the two enjoyed a lights show where the twinkling sky spelled out “Jenn, will you… accept this rose?”

Classic! Romantic! We love to see it!

Even better, the remaining women went on the second group date of the week—an inevitable tennis tournament. (Hey, at least it wasn’t pickleball again.) Special shout-out to “The Babies,” who played a whole game in giant diapers. Daisy, a 25-year-old account executive and children’s book author, still seemed to command a lot of Joey’s attention, but it was the radiochemist Catelyn who wound up winning the group date rose after telling Joey about her “family curse.” All of the women in Catelyn’s family, across multiple generations, are still single. With this rose, perhaps she’s one step closer to breaking that curse.

Nevertheless, Madina vs. Maria vs. Sydney managed to simmer in the background throughout the proceedings. The ongoing spat even ruined a KFC-catered pool party.

While Joey ditched this week’s final cocktail hour in favor of a finger-lickin’ good time with all the women—and plenty of good product placement for Col. Sanders—no one seemed to be having any fun. Instead the “bullying” feud sucked all the oxygen out of the room. (Or, in this case, off the patio.) Rachel, a 27-year-old ICU nurse, said it best as she observed that absolutely no one was even swimming: “This is the worst pool party I’ve ever been to in my life.”

For her part, Madina has played the whole thing pretty cool; ahe and Maria are fine again, and she mostly just seemed ready to drop the whole thing. Sydney, however, was a different story; she decided she simply had to “address” things with Joey, even though absolutely no one wanted her to do so.

According to Sydney, Maria “verbally attacked” her and called her “embarrassing, weird, and dumb.” When Joey confronted Maria about all this, she naturally denied all of it and did her best to explain what actually happened. “What I can say is this,” she said. “Sydney, if you like her, there is no way you can like me. Because we are completely different people.”

Joey seemed to have a sense of who was telling the truth and who was fudging the details, at least a little bit. As he observed, “How Maria was talking to me felt more real than how Sydney was talking to me.” Yes, Joey! Trust your instincts, Joey! All of Bachelor Nation is counting on you to get this right!

Meanwhile, Sydney kept on spouting off very normal comments about Maria. “I don’t know what she wants from me,” Sydney said of her reluctant nemesis. “Does she want me to give her a limb? Does she want me to cut off a limb? I don’t know!”

Sadly, Joey didn’t fully trust his instincts when it came time for the rose ceremony. Maria and Sydney both got roses, which means we’ll inevitably be dealing with this nonsense for at least another week. While Evalin, Chrissa, and Starr pack their bags for home, we must all now brace for a seemingly inevitable two-on-one date. Does anyone have more champagne? Something tells me we’re going to need it.