I love The Bear for a growing number of reasons. Apart from the glorious shots of sizzling salted beef, Carmy’s (Jeremy Allen White) floppy brown tufts of hair, and the hoards of people talking about how good it is on Twitter, I love how authentic The Bear feels. Having served my own time in the trenches (aka, the New York restaurant industry) and grown up in Chicago-ish (the suburbs), I feel at home watching The Bear.
At times, The Bear doesn’t even feel like a TV show—it feels like my own memories in both Chicago and the restaurant industry. Brisk Autumn days in the Windy City, huddling under a puffer coat or in a dusty old car for warmth. Nasally midwestern accents. Getting the “no ketchup on hot dogs—not even if you’re a kid” rant. “Corner,” and “Behind, behind,” two of the most common phrases in any restaurant, only behind “Shit!” and “Fuck!” Burns and cuts. So, so many burns and cuts.
But I have a bone to pick—no pun intended—with The Bear. The show feels so realistic that one tiny failure has lingered in my brain. We have got to 86 (restaurant terminology for nix, get rid of, gone and long forgotten) those terrible family nicknames.
My vitriol towards these putrid word bombs came at the top of the first episode, when Rich (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) slammed his way into the restaurant. He and Chef Carmen already have nicknames—Richie and Carmy—so why tack on another? The worst part is that they use the same nickname for each other, “COUSIN!,” and their fake Chicago accents sound exactly alike, so there’s no way to tell who is shouting at who.
“COUSIN! We need to make spaaaaahghetti tonight!”
“COUSIN! Get out of my fahkin’ face!”
The faux Chicago accents, which often sound more like clogged olive oil in the throat than actual intonations, are another story. Why did they both pick the same nickname for one another? In the second episode, we find out they’re not even cousins. They’re close friends. I lost my mind. Who amongst us calls their close friend cousin. (Sorry if this is you, but please, no.)
They drop the “COUSIN!” bit as the show goes on, but more heinous nicknames rear their head in turn. There’s “Fak,” which I misheard as a slur at least 11 times throughout the series—could they have picked any other endearing nickname—and “Sugar,” a nickname Carmy has given his sister. Sugar. A nickname for his sister. Let’s sit with this for a minute.
I had to replay the scenes with Sugar (Abby Elliott) a few times to understand that, yes, this was Carmy’s sibling and not his ex-girlfriend. They speak to each other like exes might, obsessing over her new boyfriend as if he were the worst person in the world, and then, there’s “Sugar.” I must confess, I’m an only child, but I can promise you this: If I had a sibling, I would never nickname them anything as twisted as Sugar.
Which brings me to another point: Being from the outskirts of Chicago, and having worked in a restaurant, I can confirm that ballistic nicknames such as “COUSIN!” and “Sugar” have no place in either of these locales. As far as my knowledge goes, nicknames are twists on the person’s actual name or, in some cases, references to an inside joke. Not some random family tree-esque title.
Sugar’s real name is Natalie. Cousin’s real name is Richie or Carmy, depending on who you’re talking to. Let’s stick to those. Everyone yelling “Chef” is confusing enough.
Now, here I am ranting and raving about the nicknames of The Bear, a TV show which has perhaps topped High School Musical: The Musical: The Series in contenders for worst TV show names of all time. The nicknames are one thing, but they take after the biggest offender of all. I have yet to find out why The Bear is titled The Bear. The presence of one bear in Carmy’s dreams doesn’t cut it. Chicago being the home of the Bears and the Cubs can’t be the reason.
If I could go back in time, I would position myself to have the right level of power at FX. I would attach myself to an untitled Jeremy Allen White kitchen show. When the time came, I would shoot down the pitch to title this new show The Bear, instead recommending a double entendre like The Beef. While I was at it, I would also chop every use of the word “COUSIN!” and “Sugar” in the script.
Then, The Bear would be the perfect show. Or rather, The Beef would be the perfect show.
