Sul sul, Margot Robbie! I know you’re a busy woman, so I’ll cut straight to the point: I heard that you’re producing a movie adaptation of The Sims. I’ll readily admit that as a longtime Simmer who used to be pretty heavily involved in the Sims 2 machinima community, I was pretty devastated when I first read the news that Kate Herron (Loki) has already been hired over me to direct, and that she’ll co-write the screenplay alongside Briony Redman—once again, instead of me. At this point, however, I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones; as a show of good faith, I’ve already deleted the Cowplant I was planning on placing alongside their walk to work. Now that I’ve had a few days to grieve my own loss, I can happily say that I am ready, willing, and able to help your production for free, just for the satisfaction of a job well done.
On that note, please review my—again, totally free! you’re welcome!—casting suggestions for a Sims movie that’s sure to make fans say, “Ooh be gah!” (That means “very good” in Simlish. Does your crew know that? I’m just saying, if you need some help with this, you can find my X handle in my writer’s bio.) If you really want to make this project sing, I’d also suggest bringing back artists like Katy Perry and/or Aly & AJ for the most entertaining Best Original Song Oscars campaign this world has ever seen.
The Caliente Sisters
Assuming this Sims movie plans to feature existing Sims characters instead of making up its own, it’ll absolutely have to include the game’s hottest twins. As longtime players already know, Dina is the “fun,” kinda sloppy sister, while Nina is the very serious, less outgoing one. Depending on the age this movie is going for, I’ve got a couple suggestions.
If we want these characters in their mid-to-late-twenties, there’s no better pairing than Sophie Turner for Nina and Sydney Sweeney for Dina. Sophie is one of Instagram’s funniest celebrities and would absolutely know how to make a shtick out of Nina’s seriousness. Sydney, meanwhile, hardly needs explanation; she’s already proven her range as an actress, and besides, who better to play one of the Caliente sisters than someone whose mere existence as an undeniable hottie has caused weeks’ worth of discourse?
If we’d rather cast the sisters in their thirties, another hilarious option would be Emma Stone and Blake Lively. Stone, like Turner, has the finely tuned humor to make Nina’s seriousness funny, and Lively knows better than anyone how to play the annoyingly shiny blonde.
Given their different hair colors—Nina’s a redhead and Dina’s a blonde—the actresses who play these characters don’t really need to look identical. That said, if we want a stronger resemblance, there’s another fun play on the table: What about Margot Robbie herself as Dina, with Sex Education star Emma Mackey on board as Nina?
Bella Goth
Of course, no Sims movie would be complete without the most important Bella in pop culture. (Sorry, Ms. Swan.) Whoever plays this character must possess a strange, subtle blend of hotness and camp. She has to be sultry enough to seduce anyone, but also hammy enough to sell the character’s inherent absurdity. (I mean, come on—they named her “Bella Goth.”) Once again, the best choice for this role will mostly depend on the desired age, but Hollywood’s best options would be:
- Camila Mendes, whose shifty charisma helped anchor the absurd CW masterpiece that is Riverdale;
- Aubrey Plaza, who could take the role in a side-splittingly vampy direction;
- Salma Hayek, who is Salma Fucking Hayek;
- ... Or, hear me out: Vanessa Hudgens, whose ridiculous performance in Netflix’s Princess Switch movies is basically a master class in spinning comedic gold out of absolute nonsense. Imagine what she could do in an actually good movie!
Don Lothario
This one’s a toughie. Among the most reviled personalities in the Sims franchise, whoever plays Don Lothario has to be at least moderately good looking but also the biggest sleazeball to ever sleaze. He’s gotta be able to play the most odious slime puppy in the room who somehow still gets the girl(s). And although young hotties like Charles Melton or Victorious star Avan Jogia could absolutely pull off this character’s slightly off-putting swagger, for some reason, I am also convinced that this man should always be too old for the women he is dating.
For my money, there is absolutely no one who could play this role better than the one and only Bobby Cannavale.
Judith Ward
An aging actress with an absolutely rancid reputation, Judith Ward is both saucy and salty. She’s gotta be talented enough to play any role, but also demanding and self-centered enough to drive away pretty much anyone who has ever given a damn about her. She’s incredible, iconic, and, most importantly, insufferable.
For this crucial role, I have two suggestions: The obvious choice would be Jean Smart, who basically already plays this character in Hacks. Or, if you want to go a little more unexpected, you could go with Mad Men and Good Girls star Christina Hendricks, who would make an absolute meal out of this part.
Bob and Eliza Pancakes
This notoriously unhappy young couple must capture a clash of personalities. Bob, a slobbish loner who dreams of becoming a Master Chef, struggles to live up to the expectations of his perfectionist wife, Eliza, who wants nothing more than to become a Mansion Baron. There is only one option for this pairing, Margot: You must reunite Daniel Kaluuya and Allison Williams after their incredible turn in Get Out.
Mrs. Crumplebottom
Mrs. Crumplebottom was a crucial part of the nightlife landscape in The Sims 2. A prude with Victorian-era values, she would beat your Sims with her purse if she caught them kissing in public. She also loved to lecture anyone who dared to go out in public in their swimwear. No Sims movie would be complete without her.
Maggie Smith would be an obvious choice for this role—who wouldn’t want to see the Dowager Countess giving the local ne’er-do-wells what for?—but it could be equally fun to watch the former Mary Poppins, Julie Andrews, taking the local riff-raff to task. And then, there’s secret option “C,” which would be just as fun. Two words: Rita Moreno.
Count Vladislaus Straud IV
Christopher Walken would absolutely crush as this ancient, grey-skinned vampire, but if you’ve ever seen Underworld, then you know why Bill Nighy is my absolute favorite for it.
Lilith and Angela Pleasant
While the roles of Dina and Nina Caliente should absolutely go to two separate actors, it would be a lot more entertaining to watch one actress play both of the Pleasant twins. Lilith is the alt girl who aspires to be a Chief of Mischief, while Angela is a sunny, family-oriented good girl. Madelaine Petsch, queen of the bonkers character turns on Riverdale, is by far the most obvious pick here, but if she’s unavailable and Kat Dennings is willing to try on a red wig, something tells me she’d have an unforgettably hysterical time playing two sides of the same genetic coin.
Akira Kibo
Akira Kibo is the hottie of Sims 4—the townie you absolutely hope your Sim will hook up with. Sure, he’s at the very bottom of his career path, but he can sing! And also, have you looked at those cheekbones?! Game over!
Manny Jacinto is far and away the best option here. He already proved on The Good Place that he can play a dreamboat with just a whiff of fuckboy energy, and also, did you know he can also sing?!
Case closed! Send him the casting confirmation right now.
Goopy GilsCarbo
The man, the myth, the absolute fucking legend that Goopy was! Where do we even begin in explaining this freak? First of all, there’s the name: Who the hell names their son “Goopy”? Then, there’s his ridiculous outfit—the rodeo-core button-down shirt paired with those blue-and-green plaid shorts. (Shorts?!) And then, to top it all off, they made him a Romance Sim, which feels like a practical joke on both him and us. Goopy was every-god-damn-where in The Sims 2, and wherever he was, you couldn’t miss him.
For this kooky role, no one but Jason Mantzoukas will do. If you can’t lock him down, Margot, I strongly suggest you just cancel the entire movie before it’s too late.
…And on that note, it’s probably time to file this piece and beg my editor for forgiveness. Dag dag for now!
