The Ultimatum: Queer Love is by no means a show that makes any sense. Netflix’s recently wrapped queer sequel to last year’s The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On has only proved that Netflix’s reality canon has gone too far, past the point of any realistic portrayal of modern dating and into a harsh, public-facing world of emotional terror and manipulation. Though the whole season was, to put it simply, a mess, there was one aspect that bugged me beyond all else: the show’s mistreatment of Vanessa Papa.
(Warning: Slight spoilers ahead for The Ultimatum: Queer Love.)
Vanessa appears with her partner, Xander Boger, who issues the ultimatum that all cast mates have ever given or received before appearing on the show. By the end of their time on the show, Vanessa needs to be ready to accept Xander’s marriage proposal or break up with her. That’s the basic premise of The Ultimatum: Several couples, where one person isn’t ready for marriage but the other one is, must briefly exit their current relationship and enter a new “trial marriage” with someone else participating from the show, in order to figure out if couples are ready to be together forever or need to carry on with someone new.
From the jump, Vanessa is attacked by her cast mates and accused of signing up for the show “for the wrong reasons.” (What are the “right reasons” for agreeing to be on The Ultimatum, a Netflix reality series that promises Instagram fame but no real relationship success?) This critique mainly comes from contestant Lexi Goldberg, who shows brief interest in matching up with Vanessa, until Vanessa says she is looking to date around and have fun during her trial period. Lexi immediately rejects Vanessa, due to their differing viewpoints of the experiment.
Because Vanessa left such a bad first impression, Lexi talks smack about her to nearly everyone else in the cast after this. Later, Lexi confronts her at a group dinner, where she encourages Xander to avoid staying with Vanessa at all costs. This is all before the second episode has come to a close—can we get some idea of what’s going through Vanessa’s head, please? Let her defend herself in a confessional, or show an extra scene from her POV! Instead, Lexi comes off as the hero for exposing this supposedly awful side of Vanessa. Which is what, exactly? That she wants to try new things and figure out her desires in her dating life? That’s the entire point of the show.
Lexi becomes even more peeved when Vanessa selects her partner for the trial marriage: Rae Cheung-Sutton, Lexi’s girlfriend. Lexi demands that Rae reconsider. She doesn’t, opting to match up with Vanessa. That’s okay! It’s Rae’s decision.
Xander’s new partner, Yoly, also continuously smears Vanessa’s name throughout the season, telling Xander she’s with the wrong partner and listing off all the reasons Vanessa stinks. But of course she does this! Yoly has fallen in love with Xander. Why are we supposed to hate Vanessa and not Yoly, when Yoly is technically the homewrecker in Xander and Vanessa’s relationship? (Again: I suppose homewrecking is the name of the game, when it comes to The Ultimatum.)
Fans of the show also voiced their strong, harsh opinions of Vanessa—though some have come to their defense since the season wrapped. My opinion: Don’t immediately believe the narrative that Vanessa is evil, because the Netflix show, along with Yoly and Lexi, characterized her as the season’s villain.
Later on in the season, we learn more about the reason behind Lexi’s aversion to Vanessa. In a chat with her trial marriage partner, Mal Wright (who was Yoly’s original partner) and some friends, Lexi states her belief that Vanessa is only participating in The Ultimatum to fulfill her dreams of becoming an actress. I must say: If these people truly only signed up for Netflix’s The Ultimatum to work out relationship kinks and come out the other side healthier than ever, with no ambitions of becoming famous, they’re lying to themselves.
It’s even more absurd when you consider Lexi’s social media in comparison to Vanessa’s following the show. Lexi has added her booking manager’s email in her Instagram bio, along with a quote comparing her to Pamela Anderson. Vanessa has no booking contact and almost no posts about the show, except for one that says being on The Ultimatum was “one of the lowest points in my life.”
None of this is to say that Lexi should be the villain of The Ultimatum instead—in fact, though she’s not my favorite, she’s nowhere near as bad as some of the other folks on the show. Yoly manipulates both Xander and Mal into having a relationship with her, while lying to both of them about her true feelings.
Then there’s fellow cast mate Mildred Woody. Don’t even get me started on Mildred, who reveals during the reunion special that she was arrested for domestic violence toward her partner, Tiff Der, following filming. Instead of owning up to her mistakes, she played offense and used the excuse of “being Latina” when accused of talking over Tiff.
But no matter who deserves the villain title, it shouldn’t be Vanessa. Vanessa wrote thoughtful love notes inside bar napkins to read to Xander, tried her best to manage damage control with Lexi, and broke Rae out of her shell. Even if her goal was to become an actress, good! She was an exciting and entertaining character to watch on my TV screen. She has some great on-screen charisma, and there’s no reason to derive hate from shining on screen.
Towards the middle of the season, Vanessa gets a lot of hate from her cast mates for engaging in sexual acts with Rae. Lexi is enraged by this, though Rae herself consented to the acts (as well as told Lexi about them herself, out of guilt). Though Lexi is right to feel jealous or upset, the name of The Ultimatum game is ending your current relationship to enter a trial marriage. Plenty of folks have done the deed. Even Xander and Yoly swap spit (and then some) quite a few times—which is even more disconcerting, when Yoly starts to take Lexi’s side. If you’re screwing around, you have no right to be a hypocrite, just because you don’t like who your girlfriend entered this experiment with!
At the reunion, despite all of this tension throughout filming, Vanessa remains nothing but respectful. Meanwhile, Lexi has cast Vanessa out of her life with Rae—though Rae and Vanessa appear to be hanging out following the Lexi/Rae break-up, per Vanessa’s Instagram stories—and Vanessa doesn’t begrudge her for it. She apologizes profusely for what was referred to by host JoAnna Garcia Swisher as “finger-gate”, then says she wishes Lexi and Rae will one day be able to forget the event. It’s a statement that’s nowhere near as kind and thoughtful as some of the other remarks made during the reunion, either toward Vanessa or the other cast mates.
Since the season wrapped, Vanessa has posted on Instagram that she needs “time to recoup” before she can open up about her experience. On that same post, her father (who appeared in the show and, can I just add, looks exactly like her) left a comment. “You spoke your truth and that scares a lot of people,” he wrote. “What is feared is often vilified. The fact that someone feared you so much that they had to gather others just to challenge you, speaks of your strength. You will come out of this stronger and better.” Vanessa must have a good head on her shoulders, if she’s learned any of the empathy her father has passed down to her—she can’t be as bad as The Ultimatum made her out to be.
One day soon, I hope Vanessa is able to share her experience about what she went through on The Ultimatum. Watching her become one of the most villainized, hated characters in Netflix’s reality universe was no treat. I love to watch soapy TV programs like The Ultimatum and hate on their villains—Bartise, you will be dealt with—but watching Vanessa become so maligned left an absolutely terrible taste in my mouth. Here’s hoping she finds the strength she deserves after going through this vulnerable experience—and that future stars of The Ultimatum do not face as much unwarranted vitriol online.
